Don't know what to do. Options

[x3chrissyx3]

Today, or...yesterday...July 3rd was my three and a half year anniversary with my fiance, Micah. I'm very deeply in love with him and I know that he's in love with me too. However, a lot has happened in our relationship to make me not trust him, one of the most significant being he cheated on me twice, and one, after a year or so, I found out about in May, though I had previous suspicions. Anyway, the cheating and lies made me mistrust him, a lot and I've turned into this person who doesn't want him to have distractions and just to focus on us and getting our relationship back on track. But for the past few weeks, he's changed from being a sweet, caring, helpful person and also a very good listener (yes, even when he was cheating on me) into a person who does things to spite me and says things that will hurt me, mocks me , invalidates me, and says "I don't want to deal with it" and walks away whenever I need him the most. I've been getting really psycho when he goes on AIM and all that stuff and I get so pissed off because if you have priorities I'm sure that your fiance would rank pretty high on that list, but now it's like he's putting me, my feelings, my concerns, our relationship on the back burner. He doesn't listen to me anymore and he doesn't show he cares anymore. I forgave him for every wrong thing he's done, including cheating on me twice and nowadays he won't give me 5 minutes when I gave him a F*ing year to CHEAT ON ME. I want it to be him and I, and I want him to be the person that he was, and start treating me right again. I don't trust that he's going to do this, and I don't know how to put it so he'll want to do what I ask him to. He doesn't like when I give ultimatums. I don't even know if it's worth it anymore if I can't trust him and he's going to treat me this way.

Maybe I should let him be and have his space, but it's not wrong to want him with me and just focusing on me is it? I'm not asking him to give up his job or anything, I'm just asking for him to listen and to make me a priority again.



I don't know what to do about us anymore. We've been together for a pretty long time, but I can't handle him anymore. I love him though...

I don't know what to do.

[*mipadi*]

Sometimes, I think, part of loving someone is knowing when to let go.

Maybe that sounds like a cheesey movie line, but look: there's a point where you have to stop letting people walk all over you. You think you should "let him have his space?" You are engaged to be married, yes? Well, at one point in a relationship do you stop letting someone have their own space, and start sharing it? Sure, letting your partner have some room to breathe is great if you've just started dating, but when you're married, you're going to be sharing your lives together--sharing your space. Sure, even married couples take a night apart from each other, yes, but if you're relationship is so serious that you two are contemplating marriage, not letting someone have their space should not be an issue.

Honestly, the guy doesn't seem that caring or trustworthy. Now, I'm making the assessment based on what you have told us, and maybe that's unfair, but that's all I have to go on. He cheated on you--not once, but twice. You've already said you have mistrust for him, and relationships are never built on mistrust. Maybe he feels that he is undeserving of such mistrust, which is why he takes an uncaring attitude, but let's face it: he deserves the reputation he has. Until he can prove he deserves your trust, he doesn't deserve it.

Frankly, it seems as though you take too much of the guilt in the relationship. You seem to let a lot of his flaws pass by (you noted that you forgave him "for every wrong thing he does"), yet the forgiveness is not a mutual thing.

I'm not sure what I would do, but remember this: no one deserves to be a doormat, and as his fiancee, you deserve attention. If he doesn't give it to you now, how's he going to act when you are his wife?

[technicolour]

Sometimes, I think, part of loving someone is knowing when to let go.

Maybe that sounds like a cheesey movie line, but look: there's a point where you have to stop letting people walk all over you. You think you should "let him have his space?" You are engaged to be married, yes? Well, at one point in a relationship do you stop letting someone have their own space, and start sharing it? Sure, letting your partner have some room to breathe is great if you've just started dating, but when you're married, you're going to be sharing your lives together--sharing your space. Sure, even married couples take a night apart from each other, yes, but if you're relationship is so serious that you two are contemplating marriage, not letting someone have their space should not be an issue.

Honestly, the guy doesn't seem that caring or trustworthy. Now, I'm making the assessment based on what you have told us, and maybe that's unfair, but that's all I have to go on. He cheated on you--not once, but twice. You've already said you have mistrust for him, and relationships are never built on mistrust. Maybe he feels that he is undeserving of such mistrust, which is why he takes an uncaring attitude, but let's face it: he deserves the reputation he has. Until he can prove he deserves your trust, he doesn't deserve it.

Frankly, it seems as though you take too much of the guilt in the relationship. You seem to let a lot of his flaws pass by (you noted that you forgave him "for every wrong thing he does"), yet the forgiveness is not a mutual thing.

It does seem like you're taking too much of the guilt when you shouldn't. He cheated on you twice, and he's being, well, a bastard, to you, AND YOUR HIS FIANCE! Like what mipadi said, he doesn't seem to care much about you [from what you've told us] .

Relationships are built on communication, trust, and compassion. It seems that you're lacking in some of these.

If you can't talk to him about your relationship with him, honestly, are you still going to marry him?

[angelrevelation]

couple counseling? and if that doesnt work... dump him. you don't want to marry a guy like that do you? opr maybe he's just feeling awkward, having second thoughts about being married, is nervous about it, etc.

[Chii]

sorry if i repeat anything but i just skimmed the other replies...

okay, in the beginning of most relationships it's all flowers, butterflies and rays of sunshine...but sometimes after awhile...the flowers die, the butterflies fly away and it pours rain...

i'd love to tell you that it's going to work out but i doubt it...he's supposed to be more caring after he cheated to show you how much you mean to him but he's not. he doesn't see it as a big deal when it is. getting married is a big step and it causes stress but it shouldn't be like this. you're supposed to be husband and wife, couples don't function like that.

you were only dating when he cheated on you, you're only engaged and he's treating you like crap...it doesn't look like he's going to shape up if you get married...

i know it's hard to let go because you've been together so long...and you're so close to being a bride...but enough is enough. don't let any man treat you like sh*t repeatedly. he's had his chance... you two have been talking but he's just being so immature. he's just a child in a grown up's body.

i think you should just break off the engagement and leave him...the sooner the better, it's going to hurt like hell...but down the road when you find a real man who will care about you, it's going to be worth it.

[Ilaem]

And you are planning on marrying the guy who cheated on you?
Oh, dear
And especially if he doesn't listen to you
You marriage is not going to be exactly the pretty picture if you can't
Communicate now
And, yeah, couple counseling
Good idea
Or there is always the back up plan
DUMP HIS ASS

HAHAHA

Well, good luck

[XtasyHigh]

i agree with what chii said.

[shortiiex]

couple counseling?

that's a very good idea
and it also seems like you can do MUCH better than him..are you sure he is the ONE that you want to spend the REST of your life with?If he isn't there for you do you think that he will be there if you had children?