noahs ark, 2004 Options

[*chaneun*]

It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United States...

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one
year I am going to make it rain and
cover the whole earth with water until
all is destroyed. But I want you to
save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore,
I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered
the specifications for an Ark. Fearful
and trembling, Noah took the plans and
agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must
complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm
cloud covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The
Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard
weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I
did my best but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction
and your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw
the plans.

"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and floatation devices.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I
was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I
had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.

"I had problems getting enough wood for
the Ark, because there was a ban on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S.Forest Service
that I needed the wood to save the owls.

"However, the Fish and Wildlife Service
won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went
out on strike.

"I had to negotiate a settlement with the
National Labor Union. Now I have 16
carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other
animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me only taking
two of each kind aboard.

"Just when I got the suit dismissed, the
EPA notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very
kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the
Creator of the universe.

"Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded
a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent
them a globe.

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a
complaint filed with the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking
godless, unbelieving people aboard!

"The IRS has seized all my assets,
claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid
paying taxes.

"I just got a notice from the State that
I owe some kind of user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a recreational
water craft.

"Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue
an injunction against further construction of
the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it is a religious event and therefore
unconstitutional.

"I really don't think I can finish the
Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to
shine and the seas began to calm. A
rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you
are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has."