Wandering, spirits, eyes souless and cold Options

[Paradox of Life]

Wandering
The fog is dense,
Gravestones scattered,
Old and broken,
Chipped and battered,
A breeze across my ankles,
Sent the lost spirits sad and haunting,
Their eyes souless and cold,
This life they're always wanting,
While melancholy's all they hold,
Forever deep within,
Where once there was a heart, a soul,
Of which they can't retrieve again.

I don't think I did a particularly good job on this one, but I decided to put it up anyway. Critique and comments appreciated.

[racoons > you]

its great. it gave me shivers. really excellent in that you can easily imagine the scene.

i also like the mix of assonance with true rhyme, it fits well with the 'chipped and battered' description.

i would love to hear more from you!

[sikdragon]

where's the rest of it? how did they get that way, why are they that way, will they be that way forever?

om gosh... that needs work. If you wanted just a powerful description you shouldn't have been so mellow.

[racoons > you]

^
ever heard of subtlety?

your first line and a bit CLEARLY proves that you dont understand what peotry actually is, by the way

[sikdragon]

Apparently you're in no position to judge me. If that's your first impression, take a second look.

Secondly, if that's how it's going to be described, answers need to be presented, or else more questions need to be presented. This is half a fragment if that.

[Rachel]

^There is no CORRECT way to write poetry. You can leave it however you want it. This is not a story, it is a poem. This is where she choose to end, if she wanted to start a story/continue it she would. Stop trying to sound like you know what the hell you are talking about.

[loljuliana]

i like it =) "A breeze across my ankles," is a nice effect, gives you the feeling of a breeze on the ankles. <- did that make sense?

[sikdragon]

advice and suggestions are the sole reason anyone should post their poetry. That is what feedback is all about. i'm just merely stating my opinion about how it might sound better. om gosh! no reason for you to get hostile.

[Paradox of Life]

where's the rest of it?  how did they get that way, why are they that way, will they be that way forever?

om gosh... that needs work. If you wanted just a powerful description you shouldn't have been so mellow.

I probably should've posted earlier (gone Saturday, orchestra trip), but I know that perhaps I could've done better, but in a poem, you don't have to explain everything. Like xxcrazyjewxx said, there's no correct way to write a poem; it's just like an expression of feelings.. I've been told I'm not "aggressive" enough. I'll try to work on that. So I guess I can't always get positive feedback.

[*islandgirl4eva*]

I really like this piece. Again, you've done exceptionally well.

The description you gave this scene was fantastic. I felt like I was there, experiencing it all. I really admire your work. Good job.

[FoOd]

I like it. It makes me feel like I am in a grave yard.

A breeze across my ankles

::goosebumps::

[sikdragon]

^There is no CORRECT way to write poetry. You can leave it however you want it. This is not a story, it is a poem. This is where she choose to end, if she wanted to start a story/continue it she would. Stop trying to sound like you know what the hell you are talking about.

i've met no one who celebrates mediocrity the way that you guys do. Every singly poem can be better. There's no oh well this is good enough. What if every thing was like that? a doctor gets half way through an amputation, "oh well that's good." and leaves it to get infected. what if the US army decided to just decided to pull back and bring their troops home in the middle of a big confrontation in WW2? we could be living in the united empire of germany. I just gave something to build on. it's not a story, true. Everything still has a plot of some sort even if it is just to the writer. sometimes more of that plot needs to be revealed to give the reader a little more insight, so they can better empathize with the writer. note i said sometimes, all i did with my post was make what could be, more apparent. You dont have to question my authority, why because i have none. I know nothing. However. if i can help someone else hone their skill or make them better in even the tiniest fraction of a way, then that would make my life worth living.

"Poetry is the grandest of the fine arts, easiest to dabble in and hardest to master."

[akjsd]

------

[sikdragon]

she did do a good job.

i advise you to get off your high horse and quit being hostile. this not the time nor the place. any and all other attacks should be continued in PM, not in this poor girls post. This thread is for her poem.