Pull the trigger |
 Apr 29 2005, 08:08 PM
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#1
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Senior Member  Group: Member Posts: 512 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 9,682  |
two plus two
doesnt always equal four theres more than meets the eye, 5 different types of sighs . one more way to die . drop the knife pull the trigger kiss my lips hold me closer . close my eyes, count to three, four more seconds till i die . walk around me once not twice now once more, make it thrice take your aim make it precise bang bang . my heart stops, the very one you broke . bang bang now i'm dead . you kno what? f**k what they said . yu should have told me you loved me instead. nine more f**king lives to live, one last heart to break . |
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Apr 29 2005, 10:09 PM
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#2
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 dripping destruction Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 7,282 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 21,929 |
very nice. it captures emotion nicely.
good job |
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Apr 29 2005, 10:55 PM
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#3
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 Bardic Nation Group: Member Posts: 1,113 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 38,059 |
could've flowed better, seemed choppy.
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Apr 30 2005, 01:06 AM
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#4
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 512 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 9,682 |
QUOTE(sikdragon @ Apr 29 2005, 10:55 PM) could've flowed better, seemed choppy.  the point was to make is seem choppy . so the people reading the poem would be able to feel the rush that the narrator was feeling . |
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Apr 30 2005, 07:36 AM
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#5
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Bardic Nation Group: Member Posts: 1,113 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 38,059 |
then why not make it like the sea in the building of a storm and go all the way with this?
an example. "f**k what they said . yu should have told me you loved me instead. nine more f**king lives to live, " parts like that could be reworded, and no im not talking about the f-word. |
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Apr 30 2005, 11:14 AM
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#6
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 ticktock. Group: Member Posts: 1,138 Joined: Mar 2005 Member No: 118,235 |
QUOTE "sea in the building of a storm and go all the way with this" ^wth? anyways, i like it, with all the emotion; and yeah, i like the way you made it seem choppy so that you can feel the rush. <- sorry, i didnt know how else to explain it |
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Apr 30 2005, 11:22 AM
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#7
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Bardic Nation Group: Member Posts: 1,113 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 38,059 |
the sea gets choppier.
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| *iNyCxShoRT* |
Apr 30 2005, 11:36 AM
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#8
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Guest |
oh one word: wow
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Apr 30 2005, 04:05 PM
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#9
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 512 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 9,682 |
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Apr 30 2005, 11:12 PM
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#10
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 lick me Group: Member Posts: 3,044 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 44,013 |
well done, i like it
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May 1 2005, 12:53 AM
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#11
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 it was just my imagination... Group: Member Posts: 36 Joined: Apr 2005 Member No: 132,842 |
wow! :].. speachless
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May 1 2005, 01:50 AM
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#12
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Bardic Nation Group: Member Posts: 1,113 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 38,059 |
I write poems all the time and post them on here and my xanga. no one ever reads. you did do a good job, i dont think i mentioned that before.
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May 1 2005, 02:38 AM
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#13
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 I'll never be who I was again.. Group: Member Posts: 2,886 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 77,981 |
wow..that was really good..
nice job.. |
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| *islandgirl4eva* |
May 1 2005, 10:15 AM
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#14
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Guest |
The "choppiness" of the poem adds to the edgy effect, in my opinion. It moves erractically...perhaps like you thoughts at that moment? You did really well. I quite enjoyed it. WRITE MORE!
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