The Lonely Child, a poem |
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 Apr 21 2005, 08:06 PM
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#1
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B-rex  Group: Member Posts: 149 Joined: Apr 2005 Member No: 128,689  |
theres a kid at my school that is just like this
Broken is the heart of the lonely child Solid on the surface, tender and mild Fallin to pieces inside, fallin apart bless this lonely child with his lonely heart The deepest of sadness, lurks behinds his eyes Hides behind his fake smile, and little white lies And keeps a brave face, and his world falls apart Bless this lonely child with his lonely heart Bullied, beaten, and teased by all of his peers His everyday reality, is our deepest of fears Outcasted at school, his family fallin apart Bless this lonely child with his lonely heart Hard to get up in the morning, why should he try? No reasons to live, gives him more reasons to die The world doesnt know, hes irrevirsably scarred Bless this lonely child, with his lonely heart Wallowing in pity, drowning in sorrow Crying in bed, awaiting tommorow For another day worthless living to partake Bless this lonely child, whos ready to break He's only happy, as he's dreaming away Oblivious to the torture, he endured that day A smile spreads, as he pictures life without sorrow Bless this lonely child, who dreams of a better tommorow! He's tired of praying, to God all in vain He slits open his wrists, and lets out the pain A sick twisted smile, curls onto his face Whats wrong with the lonely child, who cant find his place? Every single tear he ever shed He replaces it with blood--and so he bled So He layed dying, in a pool of crimson hate It was his own doing, not a matter of fate The blood flowed freely, as his pain shows He feels dizzy, as his breathing slows He took his last agonizing breath, and closed his eyes And was cleansed of the hate and the lies He Layed Dead, Still With A Sick Smile On His Face Finally at Peace, Bless This Lonely Child, Who Now Found His Place |
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Apr 21 2005, 08:08 PM
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#2
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 Do you miss your little girl? Group: Member Posts: 181 Joined: Dec 2004 Member No: 68,851 |
that was, like, wow. Amazing. You're really talented.
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Apr 21 2005, 08:11 PM
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#3
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B-rex Group: Member Posts: 149 Joined: Apr 2005 Member No: 128,689 |
thank you very much. i appreciate it, anyone else?
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Apr 21 2005, 11:33 PM
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#4
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 .bubblicious inspirations. @ www.bubbliciousoul.com Group: Member Posts: 466 Joined: Mar 2005 Member No: 112,228 |
wow... this is awsome...
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Apr 22 2005, 12:18 AM
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#5
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B-rex Group: Member Posts: 149 Joined: Apr 2005 Member No: 128,689 |
thank you very much i do try hard when it comes to things like this. anyone else? feedback is what keeps me going.
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Apr 22 2005, 06:27 PM
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#6
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 ticktock. Group: Member Posts: 1,138 Joined: Mar 2005 Member No: 118,235 |
WOW; that's amazing. i think maybe you should write another one; in someone else's point of view. maybe one of his teachers?
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Apr 22 2005, 06:29 PM
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#7
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 live life to the fullest <3 Group: Member Posts: 97 Joined: Feb 2005 Member No: 101,474 |
you should have that published. im serious
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Apr 22 2005, 06:36 PM
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#8
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 Change Gon Come Group: Member Posts: 2,286 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 18,822 |
I like it a lot. Powerful. The repetition was a good idea. Its very good, a few punctuation errors here and there, but that's ok.
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Apr 22 2005, 09:50 PM
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#9
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 242 Joined: Mar 2005 Member No: 118,283 |
i really like it
its one of the bst ive heard |
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Apr 23 2005, 01:43 AM
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#10
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 I'd rather make mistakes than break. Group: Member Posts: 121 Joined: Mar 2005 Member No: 117,869 |
Wow. Just wow.
That was really powerful. Like DaToNeViEtBoI916, the use of repetition gave it a lasting affect, the flow and rhyme of each stanza was perfect and smooth, and just the message and heartwrenching emotion it has is what makes it memorable. QUOTE Hard to get up in the morning, why should he try? Twas` my favorite line.No reasons to live, gives him more reasons to die Mucho love, Alyson |
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Apr 23 2005, 08:59 AM
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#11
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 weird Sarah. yes,me... Group: Member Posts: 714 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 93,023 |
QUOTE The deepest of sadness, lurks behinds his eyes Hides behind his fake smile, and little white lies your poem is wonderful, fantastic.. and...... could i ask what's the meaning of 'white lies' ^^" i've heard many ppl mentioned it, but i'm just not sure.. a beautiful lie?? |
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Apr 23 2005, 12:36 PM
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#12
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 whatever d00de Group: Member Posts: 1,349 Joined: Nov 2004 Member No: 63,060 |
omg.. that was amazing. i love it.
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| *stephinika* |
Apr 23 2005, 04:46 PM
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#13
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Guest |
wonderful. it was so powerful and emotional with the flow and choice of words...amazingly written.
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Apr 23 2005, 06:07 PM
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#14
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 Senior Member Group: Posts: 8,274 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 8,001 |
omg, he killed himself ? the ending was interesting but it's overall, its sad.
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Apr 23 2005, 08:46 PM
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#15
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 I'll never be who I was again.. Group: Member Posts: 2,886 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 77,981 |
wow...
i really like it.. its so sad.. u should get this published... |
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Apr 23 2005, 09:29 PM
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#16
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 SCHGEB!SCHGEB! Group: Member Posts: 1,786 Joined: Nov 2004 Member No: 66,217 |
thats freaking good.. keep up the good work
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Apr 23 2005, 09:44 PM
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#17
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B-rex Group: Member Posts: 149 Joined: Apr 2005 Member No: 128,689 |
thank you so much everyone, really i appreciate it. and by little white lies i mean like, someone would ask him why he has cuts all over or something and he would just say he tripped and got scratched. so he hides his true emotions to the world, while dying inside.
thank you everyone. any more comments? edit: oh yeah, you guys really think this should get published? |
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Apr 25 2005, 12:23 AM
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#18
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 boo Group: Member Posts: 5,512 Joined: Dec 2004 Member No: 71,765 |
That's awesome, you obviously have some talent. ^^
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| *nightmare4taki* |
Apr 25 2005, 05:16 PM
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#19
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Guest |
Wow all I have to say is splendid. Honestly I must say you have the gift for poetry.
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Apr 26 2005, 02:04 PM
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#20
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Newbie Group: Member Posts: 9 Joined: Mar 2005 Member No: 119,651 |
I think the reason the story is so good is because that it was a true event. You have more control over it then if you're writing about something you have no idea about. I hope that makes sense in a way...
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Apr 26 2005, 05:53 PM
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#21
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 1,220 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 81,808 |
OH SH*T! -- thats really sad/depressing --- good job!
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