I am so confused, dreams and such Options

[runforfun529]

Well I'll take this from my xanga because I don't feel like retyping it all:

Yep its early, or late, whichever you want to call it. But I just woke up from a really bad or good dream, depending on how you look at it. I bet from just reading this much you can tell that I am pretty much confused about everything right now.

The dream was about my ex-boyfriend. I have been wondering if I still have feelings about him. I think its pretty much apparent now that I do and I can't help them. We went out for 2 months and he dumped me pretty hard and out of no where. We were "friends" before we went out, if you want to call it that. We sat at the same lunch table and talked sometimes, but never really were what most people consider friends.

About the last 2-3 days of our relationship I began to realize that something was wrong. He didn't come to see me in the morning or after school at all and didn't want to do anything after school when I had asked. So one night I called him because he had told me to. The first thing he said was, "What took you so long?" It was about 6:15 pm or so when I called, and I had had track practice until 5, baritone lessons until 5:30 and then I came home, took a shower, and got dressed. He said, "whatever" when I told him that. We talked for about 30 minutes about nothing at all. After that I started crying and I said I think I need to tell you something, but I couldn't think of a way to word it.

So he spent about 5-10 minutes or so trying to get it out of me, but I was crying badly by then and I couldn't even get it out. So he said, "Well if you don't tell me then I will have to tell you something tomorrow, because I don't think it would be right to do it over the phone." That wasn't good and I finally got up enough courage to say "You seem like you don't like me at all anymore." He said it was true, that he really didn't like me. I asked for how long, and he said since about the time when he was grounded, which was 2-3 weeks before. I asked him why he was breaking up with me and he said that he still thought I was really pretty and he liked me as a person, but it was just him and he didn't like me as a girlfriend. Bullshit.

The confirmation of it stunk even more than believing it. So he said that he didn't want to see me anymore. Little did I know that would mean see as in, talk to. I spent the next week in major depression, I couldn't help that. I wanted to be with him again, but he did everything possible not to see me.

So finally the Friday after he broke up with me (he broke up with me on a Monday) I called him. He said I was annoying as hell and that he couldn't stand to be with me. I asked if we could be friends and he said no. The last thing I remember saying was, "Have a nice life" he said, "I will now."

After that I just began to stop talking about him at all, but when I saw him in the hall I would get the urge to cry. It was tearing me up inside and it still is. I couldn't help that I still liked him, possibly even more than I did before. I think it was that I knew I couldn't get him that did it for me.

Then I met a great guy. His name was also Kevin, like my ex-boyfriend, but that didn't matter. He was nice to me and treated me like he actually cared. I met him through a couple of friends and I realized that I liked him. On March 4th, not even a month after the first Kevin broke up with me, Kevin asked me out. I said yes, of course, because I really liked him. But I still had the other Kevin in the back of my mind.

When we went to Florida this past week for band, our paths crossed a lot. He was rooming with some people who had remained my friends. His room was also conjoined with my boyfriend's room. He hung out with my friends because his one friend is going out with one of my really good friends. Needless to say, this brought back some odd feelings, especially since I was with my boyfriend on the trip.

I came home from the trip on Monday, and I realized that I still really did like him, no matter what I told myself otherwise. I like my boyfriend more, of course, but I still had some sort of feelings for the other Kevin, yet no idea what the feelings were.

So last night I was exhausted from everything that has been going on, and I went to bed at 6:30 pm or so. I didn't wake up after 3-4 hours like I usually did, and I slept about until 3:45 am. Right before I woke up I had the dream.

I don't even remember how it started off, but from what I remember it went like this:

We were I was walking in the front door of the school. As I was walking in the door, I noticed Kevin (my ex) in front of me. Then I noticed that there was a girl with him. Immediatly I thought he was going out with her. That was confirmed when they kissed before he went straight, and she turned right.

Then it skipped to what I think was after band class. I was going down the hallway and I saw him alone this time. For some reason I had enough courage to ask him "How's the new girlfriend?" I said it in a sincere tone though, even though it sounds like it may be mean. He said "She's great, we are very happy together. But how did you know?" I said, "I saw you two together. She used to be friends with my sister. Shes into all the ice-skating and stuff like that." Then he pulled me over to a corner and told me this:

"Tori, I know you still like me. And I know that it hurts you that we aren't still together. I really like you as a person and I know that your boyfriend is a really lucky guy. I also know that you really like your boyfriend. And I know that you are confused more than anything right now. Rachelle and I have been friends for about a year now and we have been pretty much together for over 2 months. Shes a great girl and I am really happy with her. I was happy with you too, and as I said you are a great girl too but.."

After that I asked, "But what?" He said, "I don't think we would be able to be friends ever again, it just wouldn't work out." After that I woke up and started crying.

Some things in the dream don't really make sense. For examples:

1. I don't even go in the front door to get to school, I go in the back. He also gets to school at about 7:05 and I get there at 6:45 or 6:50, so I wouldn't be seeing him in the morning there anyway.

2. I wouldn't have seen him after band going that way anyway. Band is 1° for me and he has french 1°. That means that he would be coming from across the school.

3. I wouldn't have the courage to go up to him and just start talking.

4. How would he think my boyfriend is a lucky guy?

5. It hasn't even been 2 months since he broke up with me, so how could he have been with Rachelle for over 2 months?

6. Why couldn't we be friends?

7. Rachelle doesn't seem like one that would have a boyfriend right now, let alone go out with Kevin. I don't know why, but they wouldn't be a good match.

Yea, so more or less, the dream confused me even more than it helped me. It was bad, yet good. It was confusing, yet informative. It seemed real, yet fake.

What am I to do?