boys,friends,problems., just listen.. Options

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READ THiS//--* if your just gonna complain to me about oh get over it, please dont post. i have nobody else to talk to and i really need to let people know how im feeling. i have a lot of friends, and im supposedely popular but i have nobody close to me to talk to, so just listen. i see no point in giving me advice. i just want someone to know how i feel, to know someone cares about me cos right now it feels like nobody cares for me.

lately, all my ``friends`` have seemed to have paired in little groups of 2 ot 3, but still form together to be one big group. iwhenever i think ive found a friend i can be `best friends` with they drop me and leave me like i never meant anything. the only time i feel happy is when im with this one person, but shes soooo popular and i know she cares about me, but i only see her 55 minutes day. i know i mean a lot to her, cos im the only person she trusts and everything but im only happy and content when im with her, which is one period out of 7 periods day. other than that, lately im all alone in class [ becos im in accelerated classes and shes in shelter ] and all my other ``friends`` are partnered up with their best friends. some of them i dont think even care bout me. when i cry they just look at me and go off and have a bunch of laughs seriously, with everyone else. some of them ask me whats wrong , then leave. its like they just wanted to ask me whats wrong so they have a feeling of proudness of themselves because they tried to help me. before this , i was happy and i actually had friends who wanted to always be with me, then just drop me. they still talk to me and call me and yenno, things like that. but thats only when i go to them cos im lonely. i really do have a LOT of friends, but nobody im CLOSE to. nobody i can talk to and call a best friend because ever since 3 grade ive never trusted anybody in my whole life. i just want to move onto grade 9 and find that buddy that will always be by my side. because im always,always there for everybody. if i see osmeone crying i stay by their side, i dont tell them to tell me whats wrong i always always ALWAYS ask `do you want to talk about it? or not, kosz if you dont thats cool` if they want to talk about it, ok im all ears and my shoulders available for their crying, if they dont i stay by them for as long as i can. i never leave them alone, i wipe away their tears and im tired of it. i always want to be tiere for them im just tirted of having to wipe my own tears away. i dont want to stop being ther person mt friends run to, but i want.. i want someone i can run to. everybody always thinks i have the PERFECT LiFE because i never complain about everything. i have some bruises from a fight with the mom,dad or brother? i blame my clumsiness becos im SO clumsy. i just say i bumped into something. im crying? oh no, just my contact got dried out. i look sad, huh? what are you talking about? im happy *smiles* ive never told anybody about any of problems so everyone assumes im happy and have a perfect life, despite my fatness. i guess thats why im ``popular`` im always so positive and im never cynical or pessimistic towards anything. only to this opne girl i dont like. im so mean to her, i can hardly believe im that mean as i am to her. i shove her into walls sinks lckers i put her down so bad she starts to cry i just step all over her. but anyways

and with boys, omgosh. i never get the kind of boy i want. the only relationship that i ever had that i was so truly happy and so elated. i felt like i could float away from his love. my heart would just jump around and it felt like it was somewhere doing backflips all around my chest and i would just smile thinking of him or anything about him. but he died. and he took part of my heart with him and it just seems like everytime i TRY to like someone else, no one can ever compare to him. im always trying to make myself like another person the way i like george [ his name ] but its like my heart wont let me like anyone. ive had soo many boyfriends since him, but im so out of it. i never really put myself into the relationship no matter how hard i try. and the guys i do end up liking, i make the mistakes of telling people and they start to like them to and flirt with them and it just .. gets me mad. but i cant do anything about it. theyll just flirt with him and flirt and flirt and be so.. attractive that i never think im good enough to compare to what their doing. i am a big flirt i already kno that, i just never admit it but i feel so inadequit to these other girls that flock around the boy i like, trying to reel him in with ther seduction. becos, seroiuly i am fat. im not one of those skinny girls with a little tummy flab who cry that their fat to everyone. i seriously am fat. my mom calls me a pig and my doctor is seriosuly worried about my health. my dad tries to force me to go to the gym and i dont know. im 90 pounds overweight for a girl my age. i dont want to let anyone know how old i am becos even if you dont know me i feel too embarrased, becos nobody should be 90 pounds overweight.

i dont even want to get started on my family life. my mom kicked me out of the house. we got in a fight because my music was loud then she just dragged in all these other problems. after about an hour or two of nonstop screaming at eachother and her beating the shit out of me, with her yelling i never listen to her and i better start. she tells me to get ouf the house. so i grab some money, a sweater and pull on my shoes, then leave, planning to go to my friends acrossa the street then go to other friends about 10 minutes car drive away the next day so im halfway down the road to my friend accross the street and she screams at me to come back. so i come back and she yells that im challenging her. WTF, i was just listening to her commands. i dont want to stay and have her beat me with whatever she can find. shes broken a broomstick on me, countless hanger, shes beat her fists down upon me too much, kicks me and slaps me and pulls my hair. my dad... i hate him. he causes me so much stress and anxiety. this happned about 3 4 maybe 5 weeks ago. he got into a fight with my mom and started beating on her and i rushed into the room and started hitting him screamign `you dont ever hit any woman, ever!` [ i didnt really care that it was my mom, im just really really into womens rights ] and i started getting short of breath because when im mad i start to cry and my breath gets hard and sharp. so i blacked out and was unconscious for a while. all my dad cares bout is his family, back in his homeland. he stashes all this money we could use for his children and sends it to his mother and his brothers and their children. i just hate him i feel a bubbling loathe for him from the very pits of my heart.

having a boyfriend isnt even a matter to me right now, because i already know it wont help. i know some girls out there think, if only i had a boyfriend things would be better. no, no they wouldnt. cos with me, at least all i did was stress more about how i looked what i did and if i was pleasining my boyfriends.

i dont really want advice, i dont see how you could even have any for me. but i just want someone to listen.or in this case read and i dont know. i just feel better knowing anyone knows how im feeling and can try to comfort me...

sorry, its reallllyyyy long.