untitled, damnit i suck at titles Options

[Gypsy Eyes]

ok so it's cliche and long. Deal with it. It kind of hits home for me so yeah.
----------------------
She sits in her cold hard desk
while her teacher drones on about congruency
But she is not listening, she never does
Her physical body might be there
But her mind remains elsewhere
Wandering through other worlds
Places where loved one's suffer
Places where the water is blood
And All the books are of torment
The sunlight never reaches this place
Instead it is damp, cold and dismal
The pavements are dark and dirty
Even the plants are wilting
When she visits this strange world
People walk past her without a second glance
But she never expected them too
Sometimes she sat that and wondered;
"How might life be like if I did things differently?"
For she wasn't always like this
Her world was once filled with joy
Full candy-coated dreams, childhood fantasies
But all of this was long ago
She barely remembers that time now
The sugared plums and lollipops have been replaced
With moonshine and painkillers-- her sources of "nutrition"
The clear blue eyes that once saw the world
With such wonder and amazement
Are now dull, cloudy and gray
Not wanting to view the world and any more of it's horrors
The bell rings and she emerges
From this world that has been created for her
She will go home tonight like always
And sit there in her room with the door locked
Fingering through her box of old photographs and letters
Her vision will become blurred by tears
As she slowly increases the scars that engulf her tiny wrists
She searches under her pillow for her good old trusty friend
Cold, Hard plastic-- the only thing she can rely on
She pours the contents of the container into her mouth
And pictures the events soon to come
The ambulance would arrive-- flashing lights and rushing her off
She would lie there in the hospital bed-- frail and lifeless
"We couldn't save her" the doctors would say
Her teachers would call her name out over and over again
Expecting her to be in class
It would be weeks before anyone realized she wasn't coming back
And for the first time in her life, she would be free

[*stephinika*]

wow. that was great. created such a picture in my mind...lovely.

[inthemudhole]

Sometimes she sat that and wondered;
"How might life be like if I did things differently?"
For she wasn't always like this
Her world was once filled with joy
Full candy-coated dreams, childhood fantasies
But all of this was long ago
She barely remembers that time now
The sugared plums and lollipops have been replaced
With moonshine and painkillers-- her sources of "nutrition"
The clear blue eyes that once saw the world
With such wonder and amazement
Are now dull, cloudy and gray
Not wanting to view the world and any more of it's horrors

I loved that whole part as well as the rest of it.

Wonderful job, Jackie!

I like it a lot.

[Gypsy Eyes]

thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoy it

[nightsong]

Her teachers would call her name out over and over again
Expecting her to be in class
It would be weeks before anyone realized she wasn't coming back
And for the first time in her life, she would be free

Wow. I really liked this.

xo, Pauline

[xXMomoBubbleTeaX...]

That seems to deep for me...I like deep poems but not that deep... ...but they're are different veiws about everything and you express it in a way I've neevr heard b4..that's unique

[rOckThISshYt]

I thought it was great, too. But, as a critic (not professionally, considering I'm thirteen, but.. yeah....), I would also like to say a few other things.

This is just my opinion but, I personally like poems that flow more. Not necissarily rhyming poems. Sometimes they piss me off because people focus on the rhyming and get away from the emotion. But... yeah....

Also, I love the ending but... one problem. By that point, the girl is dead and you said....

And for the first time in her life, she would be free

At that point, her life was over... So, technicly, it wasn't the first time in her life. I just thought you might want to touch that up.

But, it kind of reminds me of my girl. How she is... Except, she doesn't cut (or so she tells me. it's kind of a long distance thing so... i wouldn't know and she has a tendancy to lie so i don't worry). But... yeah... Just thought I should let you know some of that.