Seminar admission essay, not sure where to put this Options

[runforfun529]

I need to write an essay on "Why I would like to attend this seminar" Its a gifted seminar about Chemistry. I would like to possibly go into chemical engineering or medicine and I am also taking a chemistry class at high school next year. Well anyway, I'm having trouble starting it. Any tips on a good attention grabbing intro or such?

[innovation]

start out with a descriptive anecdote that displays your pure curiosity and passion for chemistry/science. also, while writing the essay, keep in mind that since it's a "gifted seminar," they are most likely looking for kids who are genuinely passionate about science, not just good at it or aspiring toward a career in science.

[runforfun529]

start out with a descriptive anecdote that displays your pure curiosity and passion for chemistry/science. also, while writing the essay, keep in mind that since it's a "gifted seminar," they are most likely looking for kids who are genuinely passionate about science, not just good at it or aspiring toward a career in science.

Its actually just like a gifted seminar because the only people that can get in are people who are identified gifted in the state of Ohio.

[innovation]

er... isn't that what i noted?

[runforfun529]

er... isn't that what i noted?

no I mean, you don't have to be passionate about the sciences, like, the only reason its called a gifted seminar is because you have to pass a test that says you are gifted in order to get in.

[innovation]

ah, well i am sorely disappointed! just when i thought it was one of those truly beneficial seminars, it turns out to be another tool of the education system. i certainly hope this isn't one of those scams where they actually make you pay for the seminar. but anyway, sorry, i misunderstood; i thought that by writing an essay, you were applying to the seminar.

[runforfun529]

Alright, this is what I have so far, I dont' know what to put next, its only like 275 words, it needs to be 500

I am always on a quest for new knowledge, whether I believe so or not. When my mom asked me if I wanted to apply for this seminar, I can’t say that I was entranced by the idea, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I would like to attend it. It’s not the fact that it gets me away from my parents for a week (but hey, I’m not complaining); it is because I want to have a fun time this summer while learning new information and hopefully being challenged. I won’t complain if I make a couple of great friends there either.
I began to notice back in Kindergarten that I was different from a lot the other children. They all told me that they had fun playing with dolls or action figures. But for me I have always enjoyed reading or exploring for new information. Life has changed since then, but I am still on a quest for broadening my knowledge, and now I believe I would like to zero in on a single subject and explore that topic this summer.
As I began to seriously think about this seminar, I quickly realized which subject I wanted to study, Chemistry: Forensics. I am always thinking out side the box and I have a genuine passion for science and mathematics. Every time we have done a chemistry unit in a science class during middle school, or even the couple that we have done this year during biology, I am always very intrigued to learn about the subject, even more than I am regularly.

ah, well i am sorely disappointed! just when i thought it was one of those truly beneficial seminars, it turns out to be another tool of the education system. i certainly hope this isn't one of those scams where they actually make you pay for the seminar. but anyway, sorry, i misunderstood; i thought that by writing an essay, you were applying to the seminar.

yea, they make us pay for it, and we do have to apply, its kind of confusing.

We have to be gifted in order to apply, but they judge by recomendations and essays on who gets in from that. Then you pay like 200 dollars for lunch and room and board in order to go.

[innovation]

meh, well $200 isn't bad for a seminar.

[innovation]

hm.. honestly, it doesn't seem to be super-competitive, since it's in-state and costs money. however, here's some critique on the essay. (i numbered the areas on which i commented.)

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I am always on a quest for new knowledge, whether I believe so or not. When my mom asked me if I wanted to apply for this seminar, I can’t say that I was entranced by the idea, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I would like to attend it. 1) It’s not the fact that it gets me away from my parents for a week (but hey, I’m not complaining); 2)it is because I want to have a fun time this summer while learning new information and hopefully being challenged. I won’t complain if I make a couple of great friends there either.

3)I began to notice back in Kindergarten that I was different from a lot the other children. They all told me that they had fun playing with dolls or action figures. But for me I have always enjoyed reading or exploring for new information. Life has changed since then, but I am still on a quest for broadening my knowledge, and now I believe I would like to zero in on a single subject and explore that topic this summer.

As I began to seriously think about this seminar, I quickly realized which subject I wanted to study, Chemistry: Forensics. I am always thinking out side the box and I have a genuine passion for science and mathematics. 4) Every time we have done a chemistry unit in a science class during middle school, or even the couple that we have done this year during biology, I am always very intrigued to learn about the subject, even more than I am regularly.

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1) eliminate.

2) explain much more about this; afterall, this is the central topic of your essay. include stuff about how you want the opportunity to associate with students your age who have similar interests, passions, and priorities as you. and replace the word "fun" with something more descriptive.. stimulating? inspiring?

erase the word "hopefully"... you will be challenged.

mention feel-good stuff about how the seminar offers intellectual opportunities that allow you to explore rather than staying inside the rigid limits of your school's science courses, which force you to learn through tests and bookwork. afterall, gifted children learn best through interaction and exploration, no?

3) meh, i personally don't like this statement... it sounds like you're trying to make yourself sound superior to the doll and action figure kids.

4) cite a specific example; highlight your awe. if you do a good job at pinpointing the description of your genuine curiosity, you could use this anecdote as a very strong and unique lead-in.

in addition, perhaps it's not the best idea to mention your mom, since it sounds very suburban-asian-brainwashed-by-parents-ish. you know?

meh, i wouldn't worry too much about admission; it seems like they'd have a pretty high admissions rate.

[runforfun529]

Alright, I actually reread it and thought about those things before coming here to see what you had to say. I know there isn't a very low admission rate which is probably why I'm not concentrating too much on this.

I'm not Asian by the way.