Needs Improvement, How? Options

[lojay]

Okay, so, I wrote this poem to let go of my past. How can I improve it, I'm not satisfied with it. My mom went into that whole there were they go "It's Beautiful..." But you're like um... sure.... So.. help?

Here it is:

They’re There

I shant not remember,
The memory I had once,
Hardcore winds;
Chilling power with fierce rage.
Such power is a whistle in the wind.
The brisk, arctic breeze creates cold shivers,
Hair raising shivers that freeze your soul…

The cold wasn’t the only aspect,
The sound was hard too.
The whipping air gust shrieked loudly.
Leaves rustled across the bare sidewalk.
Was it harsh?
Or was it just the wind’s role?

The memory flashing in my head,
The faint cries from the past,
The delicate tears shed from bloodshot eyes.
Eyes that were crying pieces of the heart....
Pieces of the heart shed in time.
Time spent crying.
Was this healthy?
The crying is beyond my control.

The service was so fast.
The ending was so near.
That’s when the wind came.
That’s when the chills haunted me.
The chills were security, they were telling me.
Everything is okay; it’s all right.
They’re in a better place now…
And to recover is my only goal.

I shant not remember.
I will never forget.
I loved them; they’ll always be with me.
When the goose bumps form,
When the hair stands straight,
They’re there for me
Blowing love my way,
On their daily stroll.


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Eh?

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*** Edit***

Advice: Tear it apart, critisize it, whatever, tell me what you think needs to be done for it to be a stronger poem. I want adive. Be as harsh as you want. Honest.

[ryfitaDF]

well, off the bat, "shan't not" is a double negative. i don't know if it was intentional or not.

the second verse/stanza seemed like you were just describing the weather. toss somthing in about what you miss in there and make it metaphorical.

and if it's sbout moving on, you should end it on a positive note. what it says now is "i'm sad". what it should say is "i'm sad, but i'm getting better".

[lojay]

Yes, the double negative was intentional. And thanks, I'll work on that.