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 Jan 19 2005, 06:48 PM
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#1
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 Canadian Boyfriend, I think it's time  Group: Member Posts: 450 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 40,705  |
Who are you to judge me from my artificial self
You don't even know half of the story of my life And you don't understand what it's like to wake everyday With nothing to hope for;nothing joyous in this lifetime Only an imitation of the true person in the core of my disguise My depression is asscending further than ever Preforming for this crowd of critics;I am a puppet on a string It's so difficult to make it through And I'm not quite sure what to do But I know for a supported fact that I am ugly inside like you The souveniers of this long journey are the Scars on my wrist and a black hole for a heart All I want in the end is victory of our never-ending war But this disease I have is excessive And I will be defeated...alone My depression is asscending further than ever Preforming for this crowd of critics;I am a puppet on a string. It's so difficult to make it through And I'm not quite sure what to do But I know for a supported fact that I am ugly inside like you As my last thoughts and words linger in my mind As I confide these unknown secrets with pen and paper As this competition has finally died down As I lie here motionless in a body whose soul was rejected And heart broken. |
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| *stephinika* |
Jan 20 2005, 01:34 AM
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well done. i like the word choice and style. good job.
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Jan 20 2005, 10:56 AM
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Canadian Boyfriend, I think it's time Group: Member Posts: 450 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 40,705 |
QUOTE(stephinika @ Jan 20 2005, 1:34 AM) well done. i like the word choice and style. good job.  Thank you 
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Jan 22 2005, 05:10 PM
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#4
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 Yawn Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 9,530 Joined: Nov 2004 Member No: 65,772 |
wow....i felt this way about a year ago. You really know how to capture emotions and write them down. wonderful job! This could def be a song...if you know how to write music then i suggest you writing some to accompany this! keep it up!
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Jan 22 2005, 05:20 PM
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 Senior Member Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 7,025 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 4,051 |
very well written. Descriptive with great imagery. i feel like I can relate
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Jan 22 2005, 05:24 PM
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#6
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 2,746 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 17,125 |
Wow... that was amazing. Finally, a poem that tells the reality of it all. Well there might be more but i haven't found them yet. Great job on the poem. Awesome job on the poem. I suggest you copywrite it. Lol
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Jan 22 2005, 06:03 PM
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#7
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Canadian Boyfriend, I think it's time Group: Member Posts: 450 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 40,705 |
QUOTE(KissMe2408 @ Jan 22 2005, 5:10 PM) wow....i felt this way about a year ago. You really know how to capture emotions and write them down. wonderful job! This could def be a song...if you know how to write music then i suggest you writing some to accompany this! keep it up! Thanks. ^^ I guess this is one of the only ways I know how to express myself. QUOTE(Gypsy Eyes @ Jan 22 2005, 5:20 PM) very well written. Descriptive with great imagery. i feel like I can relate It's nice to know someone else feels like I do. QUOTE(ermfermoo @ Jan 22 2005, 5:24 PM) Wow... that was amazing. Finally, a poem that tells the reality of it all. Well there might be more but i haven't found them yet. Great job on the poem. Awesome job on the poem. I suggest you copywrite it. Lol  I think THAT is the best compliment I have ever recieved for..well...anything! Haha. Thanks a lot! You guys are the ones that keep my writing. I appreciate it all. ^^ |
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Jan 22 2005, 06:56 PM
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 LunchboxXx Group: Member Posts: 1,789 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,810 |
it's good, but i'm kind of confused. the first verse is kind of open to anyone, but the second and third narrow it down to some kind of ex. kind of like you went off on a tangent.
and a piece of advice, if you're willing to take it: metaphores are better than similies. like this. which sounds better? "Preforming for this crowd of critics like I'm a puppet on a string" or "Preforming for this crowd of critics. I am a puppet on a string"? i personally would pick the second. |
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Jan 22 2005, 07:04 PM
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#9
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Canadian Boyfriend, I think it's time Group: Member Posts: 450 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 40,705 |
QUOTE(ryfitaDF @ Jan 22 2005, 6:56 PM) it's good, but i'm kind of confused. the first verse is kind of open to anyone, but the second and third narrow it down to some kind of ex. kind of like you went off on a tangent. and a piece of advice, if you're willing to take it: metaphores are better than similies. like this. which sounds better? "Preforming for this crowd of critics like I'm a puppet on a string" or "Preforming for this crowd of critics. I am a puppet on a string"? i personally would pick the second. Ah. Yes, I am not very good at staying on topic. Every song I write drifts off to a certain person.....*cough* Anywho. Yes, I do like the second one. I'll change it right now. |
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Jan 24 2005, 03:12 PM
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#10
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 2,746 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 17,125 |
QUOTE(TreesTurnMeOn @ Jan 22 2005, 6:03 PM) I think THAT is the best compliment I have ever recieved for..well...anything! Haha. Thanks a lot! Haha no problem!! 
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