createBlog Diary., Version 3. Options

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

i'm so glad its sorted out. i talked to mark and things seem to be much better now. i care for adrian but only as a friend and i'm sure of that now. thanks to both of you for everything. i love you both...differently though of course. thank you mark for understanding...i think i'm starting to come to terms with my feelings and why i'm feeling them.
finally.
still upset with that certain someone though..

[yukichan]

dear cB diary,
I should be working on my science..hehe..Procrastinaters united!

Omg..Theres this guy that idk that says he likes me..but i think u cant like a guy that doesnt know u...so ya...idk what to do...

im still thinking about him..idk hu to like..so confused...

ok well thats it..my gosh..its relieves so much stress writing in here...
<3 Nancy

[Looow]

Dear Createblog Diary,
I think this thread is getting wayy too longggggggg.
Anyways I had a rough weekend especially when my sister told me what the f**k she is going to do.
Ughhh. I don't know what I'm going to do when she's not there. We've always been so close.=[

[wounded]

dear cbd,

I want to kill myself.

[*jooleeah*]

^
I hope you're okay.

Dear createblog diary,

School sucked. Math sucks. My parents are going to kill me. I have one C, 2 B's, and one A. I can already imagine my mom blaming me being on the computer too much. What BS.

Ahskfhsdkhsdkfksdhfs.

[miss barnes]

Dear CB diary.

today was about to be a horrible hair day...until advisory. then brittany hooked it up. thank you girl. you saved me from torture! anyways..i dont like him anymore. well, i dont think so. Tiera thinks i still do but, we'll see. Freddy is looking very interesting to me now....

reekah

[Chii]

dear createBlog diary,

my oh my, i never thought that my school would be invoved in so much scandal. i didn't really like ms. ellis to being with, she always had such a sharp tongue. i did wonder who's baby it was because she was ms. ellis and not mrs so and so. i heard that some teacher was pregnant with a student's baby about a month ago but i didn't think it was ms. ellis... oh well, i knew it was a lie from mr. martin (i think) that ms. ellis was reading our homework and assigning our crap when she's actually on unpaid medical leave, why would you do crap for your students if you're not going to be paid for it? geez, cesar isn't even that good looking why would you want to have sex with that dude? ugh, in motel rooms and once at her place, ms. ellis you are one nasty ho...a lying ho too you told my parents that while you were talking to me i walked away, f**king bitch, i would never do that. oh well...i shouldn't hold grudges, after all you're already deep in hot water...althought i didn't like you i hope for the best for you.

sigh, maybe this is a lesson, i should definately go to school now, if i did i would know all the gossip and crap. oh well, i'm transferring out of here at the end of the year anyway, i hate this monotonous crap of writing essays all the livelong day in umm, writer's workshop. sure i turn out a great essay but come on i can't write this shit every damn day i hate it. especially when my teacher is some weirdo who seems like he's in a cult. he said that he doesn't classify people by race because that's the government's way of hurting people pr somehing or other...i forget what he said exactly but it was a really long sentence that he spit out really fast. the kinds of things that sound suspicious because it's said so fast, kind of like after some commercials when they say something about the product really fast so they get it out but you don't really know what they said.

i love johnny more than anything...i hate it how i'm such a bitch when other people's relationships are falling apart...that's terrible.

for some reason...my heart has gotten so much softer, i don't understand why... like normally i'd look past the person who digs in the garbage but now it hurts...because no one deserves to have to do that... i saw this homeless man awhile ago...he was drinking this cheap storebrand soda from a 2 liter bottle...that upset me so bad...so johnny and i gave him some food. no matter what he's done, no one deserves to be homelss forever, to have no helping hand... plus that night when johnny wanted to run...when he told me what his dad did to him while he was just trying to get some sleep, i was bawling inside. especially when he called me from payphones that night...it was so late and i was so scared for him and upset at hau for not picking up his phone, he was supposed to keep johnny company...galen wasn't online so i couldn't ask him if johnny could stay over in his dorm... i mean like, it didn't hit hard until the next day when i got to see him again...but the night before and that morning i prayed so hard continuosly for god to watch over him and protect him. it hit me when i saw that johnny purchased a 2 liter bottle of soda that night because he was thirsty...it was in his room and when i saw that i broke down...it still makes me tear up. i know i care about johnny a hell of a lot and have cried for him because of the shit he has to go through but what about the others that i see on the street? why do i have sympathy for them...?

why must i be so sensitive...? i just wish i was rich up my ass so i could give my money to these people...i should give to charity but giving these real people something means more because i know where my money is going...

i love you johnny, i love that your heart is as big as mine for these people.

much love,
M.L. x3

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

yeh i'm not pissed off at her anymore...still annoyed, but whatever. now apparently she's mad at me but to be honest, i don't really give a shit anymore. i really don't care if she hates me. *shrug* meh.
haha read an interesting article in the cosmo i bought today at lunch...had to do exactly with what i was/am dealing with. how amusing.
and yeah...at lunch i walked to saveon and starbucks myself right after class since i had my purse with me...it was kinda nice going around by myself. sat in starbucks reading my cosmo...it was relaxing.
i've had way too much caffiene today though. oh well.

[yukichan]

dear cB diary..
i think i got my feelings mixed up..i mean im pretty sure i dont like as in love ****...still confused..like edmund said, maybe my horomones are raging..lol..ok well ya..thats it..
<3 Nancy

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

cici is being so stupid. she is like a mental retard that has been hit in the head. i don't now why she is trying to work things out with francis. i know that whatever happens, she will just go back to him. i don't like the fact that he is at our house right now and i have a feeling that he will be over here everyday until we have to take the taks. i just don't like him because he has don't nothing to make me like him or for me to even think of liking him. i just want him to be out of her life because all he has done is caused drama. mom is stupid too.

--Frankie

[Looow]

Ugh the day is getting closer closer =/ I'm blehh

[wounded]

Dear CBD,

As if to add to my bad mood, the school went into lockdown mode for two f**king hours.

[to-devastate]

Dear cB diary,

I need time to adjust my life. I don't even know what the fcuk i want in life. I need time to find myself. And unfortunately, no one can help me. Not anyone. Not even the ones I love.

-Eileen.

[inthemudhole]

Well, well, well.

This just fucking sucks.

I didn't think this day could get any worse, but apparently, it could.
...And it did.

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
Wow. Crappy day. Crappy week. Crappy month. And guess what? Crappy year! I fcuking hate things right now. They're so difficult. It's really hard to hold on to the tiniest amount of hope I have right now and it's hard to perservere. Especially when it seems like most of the time no one is there for me. And my future right now looks really bleak. Not at all bright like those stupid cliches. Ugh... I want to write more but because I don't have time, I'm going. Goodbye.
-Me.

Dear cB Diary,
I didn't want to write in here again. I didn't want to come back online or anything but I just had to pull myself from my homework because it's driving me insane. I have so much to say but how come there is no one to tell it to? Why is it that I have to resort to saying everything in an online forum's topic? I feel like shit. I want this to go away. If anything I want to repeat this year over again. Start from last summer. Why? Because last summer I was actually happy for once in my whole entire life. God, it seems so far away...I can't even remember how it exactly feels like to be happy, just that it felt good. Better than the way I feel now. I want to fix my life. It really feels like everything is falling apart. Someone should have really written a handbook on how to life your life at this age. A book specific for my needs in the hope that I might learn something from reading it. That I wouldn't have had to make all these mistakes in the process. Sure these hard times make me who I am, but who I am right now is not someone I want to be. I hate everything about me. Not one thing about me is good. No wonder why I have few good friends or why no guy is interested in me. I wouldn't even be my own friend. Ugh, I'm horrible. I want things to get better so badly...no scratch that. I need things to get better. For my sanity. For my wellbeing. For my health. It's not healthy to be the way I am. This is why I have to have to go and get my blood drawn every three months. It's just not healthy. But I can't control it. I want to stop crying. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop being angry with myself and with the world. But I can't stop it. I can't be the person I have tried so desperately to be. I'm stuck with me. This "me" I've created. Oh God. What the hell is wrong with me? I want to continue but I can't. I can't see the screen clearly because I'm being so pathetic and lame that I'm crying. Ugh. Seriously I hate myself. Whatever. Man, I sound so f**king emo. That makes me even more pathetic.
-Me.

This post has been edited by M1SSxCHR1SSY: Apr 19 2005, 10:02 PM

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

today was actually bearable. math was okay. i didn't fail my physics assignment, thank god. my dad wasn't too late picking me up. the weather is gorgeous. i feel gorgeous. and i've admitted to being a slight tease. lunch was fun. adrian - you rock.
i wonder if i'll ever show you what i wrote about you. hm.
i miss mark. i get to see him tomorrow though.
i'm actually not dreading the retreat, like a great number of people are for some reason. meh.
anyways, took some interesting pics today that i find to be rather...artsy but perhaps a bit daring to post on my xanga. i'm still deciding whether i will or not. we'll see.

[wounded]

dear cbd,

cos of the bomb threat yesterday, i had to stand out side the school for twenty minutes. Then I had to go thru the metal detector. It went off on me. And the guy behind me. They wanded me, but they didn't wand him. He was a preppy ish guy, and there I stood, in all my black. Isn't that discrimination?

I suppose that I should call S later tonight. The last thing I said to her was, "I should go f**king kill myself tonight". Of course, she yelled after me, but I didn't listen. I never do. But I never call her until 7:30 any ways, so she can wait that long to find out if I'm dead or not. She says that she has a long ass note for me; I wrote her a 4 or 5 page note last night out of despiration. I just needed to let it out.

She says that she has a cure for my depression, and that its in her note. I want to know what it is, but at the same time, I am scared. What if she wants me to get help? I've tried that once before, remember? Oh, Lord, I did. It just led me to actually try to kill myself.

Speaking of which, today is the second month anniversary of my suicide attempt (call it what you wish). Also today is the anniversay of the Columbine Shooting, Hilter's Birthday, and national pot day. Whatever.

We had one of those carreer class thingers today. It sucked ass - I don't need the school telling me what to do for a living. They're mother f**king idiots, any ways.

Ick, I can't believe I've let this all out in here. Au revior.

[*jooleeah*]

Dear CB diary,

I miss camp. Camp is the place where I feel loved. Even though most of the time I feel like I don't belong, I still feel loved. It's a great feeling when you have so many people around you that care about you.

I don't feel like typing anymore. I'll do this later--

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

This week has been soooo boring because we have literally don't nothing due to shortened schedule. but tomorrow i have my first test...algebra. wish me luck even though i am sure i will do great.

--Frankie

[yummy_delight]

dear cb diary.

it's not getting any better. i'm head over heels and i'm getting dizzy.

i want to do something wild and crazy and unexpected. but f*ck me if i know what that something is.

xoxo- laur

[Mireh]

Dear CB diary,

stress is taking it's toll on me

and the heat isn't helping either.

[inthemudhole]

*major sigh of relief*
The concert most likely won't be cancelled.
Tonight's show wasn't.
Now let's just hope Corey doesn't wreck his voice tonight. He's been sick the whole tour, and I guess it just finally caught up to him.

I'm feeling extremely emo at the moment.
Everything's going wrong.
Even with Joe. I think he still likes one of his exes a little bit. Meh. He sounds different. Different in a bad way. I fear I've done wrong. I fear he's lost interest in me. I fear it's going to end soon.

Whatever.

No sense in whining about it.

Four days,

Brie

[whywasisostupid]

Dear Createblog,

I think i should move on. forget him. just be friends. but then again, i want to hold on to him so he can keep treating me like s h i t.
god damn it.

[Looow]

Dear Createblog Diary,
I can't help it. I'm crying right now because a "silly" and "normal" thing is making me CRY like crazy

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

our grade 11 retreat is tomorrow...some people seem to be dreading it ever so much...i don't think it'll be that bad, mind you i love leaving my house overnight since i tend to hate my home at times.
i'm actually gonna show him tomorrow since i still "owe" him something...i'm kinda scared but i want to at the same time...we'll see how that goes over...hopefully well.
i feel kinda bleh and happy at the same time oddly enough. it feels like he just doesn't care sometimes...and i tend to wonder if there's any real feeling behind the the kind words other than obligation.

oh how i wonder so many things.