createBlog Diary., Version 3. Options

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
I'm so overwhelmed right now. I'm completely stressed out and way in over my head. I can't do this. No matter how hard I try, I can't do it. I really don't think that I'm physically and mentally capable. I mean, maybe it's because I have this mindset that I'm not able to? Maybe if I was more optomistic. But sadly, I'm not. I've become so bitter, so cynical. The littlest things piss me off. Haha, I'm such a bitch lately. Or rather, it's just coming out now. All the shit that I dealt with, with people, is now coming out. I'm not able to hold it in any longer. I snap at almost everyone. Perfect examples today. This girl was reading something aloud in class and she was reading the beginning of a sentence that was a question and she stopped and said, "Wait..that doesn't make sense." without even finishing the sentence. Well, obviously it was a question which is why it was worded differently in the beginning so I basically yelled out, "IT'S A QUESTION!" And while it might not seem like a big deal, just little things like that piss me off nowadays. People are so annoying and ignorant. Granted, I can be both at times, but lately it just really pisses me off and I show it too. Haha, another example. Today during lunch we went to Taco Bell and these girls sitting next to us were talking really loud and it was annoying me. So, I stared to talk really loud so they would hear me, "Hey! Let's talk really, really loud like the people next to us so we can annoy everyone, okay? Like really loud. Because you know everyone gives a damn on what we're saying and wants to listen in. Etc" And then a few seconds later, they shut up. But anyways, the point is that I'm just turning into this really nasty, mean person. I want it to stop but now it seems as if it's gone so far that this is me now. This is who I truly am and who I'm going to be from now til forever. I don't want to be like this. I don't. And yet, I can't help it and it's so much fun to be this way. Anyways, school. Ah...I want to drop out. I have like no hope anymore. If anything, it's false hope that I have. False hope that my grades will get better, false hope that I won't get kicked out, false hope that I'll graduate with the IB Diploma, false hope that I'll get scholarships/grants/loans, false hope that I'll even be able to go to UNC. All of it is false hope. Why do I say that? Because I've been trying so damn hard and it's NOT working. It's NOT paying off. Why? Because I f**king screwed up too badly in the beginning. Because I was stupid and didn't think things through; that's why. Because I'm a moron. Yes, Teesa, you said that, "...hard work always pays off." But it's not in my case. It's not working. If anything, things are getting worse. The work is building up. omg. I want to shoot myself sometimes. I've never had such strong hatred before. I abhor school. I hate going there everyday. I hate having to see everyone with their fake smiles and telling their stupid lies. I hate failing at everything I do. Why couldn't I have been smarter? Why was I born as such a stupid person? The work is unbearable now. The amounts are crazy. Everything coming up is driving me insane. Now throw in that Tuesday nights for at least an hour or two I can't do homework because I'm meeting with Evan oppa, that Wednesday nights I can't do homework til after 9 because of night class, and that Thursday nights I can't do homework for two hours because I have ACT online classes. Oh f**king joy. When will I have time to ever do anything? I won't. I won't be able to do all the work and I won't be able to catch up so come May, I'm going to be not failling 2 classes, but instead all 7 and then I will f**k up the AP and IB tests. And I can't stand my emotions anymore. Like the way I fall so damn quickly for guys when I know I'm going to get rejected or hurt in the end. Or the way I cry every night. Just really, I hate it all. I hate me. Okay, it's getting late now, or rather, really early in the morning and I think I wrote enough. Bleh...none of this really makes much sense and since it was all a stream of conciousness it doesn't really flow. Kind of random. Oh well.
-Me.

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

i don't know whats wrong with me anymore. life has just gone shitty in the last little while in every aspect of life...usually it only happens in a couple spots, but its all just piling up everywhere i go and its slowly driving me crazy. school, family, friends, boyfriend, dance, even choir. its f**ked up. and i'm in class so i can't type as much as i want to right now and thats just even more upsetting.
why do i feel so lost?

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

today was so great. in first period, all we did was nothing and watch the news. speech is such a blowoff class but the material is soooo boring!
english was really easy too because all we had to do was a romeo and juliet test and i knew everything on there so i am sure that i got all of those right but whenever i thought i was done and felt about my score, she told us that we had to do a one page essay that counted for 50 points of my test grade. i did really good on it and i think i will at least get an A.
in spanish, we did pretty much nothing and i am passing that so good for me!
during lunch, it was boring because i was ignored but whatever i really don't care.
in world geography, we just learned about christianity and it was kind easy for me becuase i knew the basics! tomorrow is friday and i couldn't be happier. i am ready for the week to be over and i hope that i win my doubles tournament!

--Frankie

[*jooleeah*]

Dear createblog diary,
Why do people need to make my life so f**king shitty? Alex needs to stfu and learn to stop being a bitch. Today, I walked out of school happy, and then I come up to Cody and he goes " Alex just called you an inconsiderate and rude person." I was like wtf? Just because me and alex don't talk to each other and dislike each other doesn't mean she need to say mean and rude things about me. After Cody told me that crap, I look up and there's the oh-so-wonderful Alex. She's standing there, smiling with a dumbfounded look on her face. I got all defensive, calling her an inconsiderate bitch. Then she just looked at me, and smiled again. I can't stand her. She was already out of my life already, and now she just has to come back in. It seems like she likes to bitch about me every single time she can. She thinks my life is so goddamn perfect, that she has to make it worse. She has no idea.

Right now I'm scared, cause I just might be failing math. This is unbelievably stupid...I've never failed math, except that one time in seventh grade ( -_-"). Our new teacher ( yes, I still consider her a new teacher) can't teach very well. If I come out of this stupid school not getting at least a high B, I am going to die.

I miss my real friends so much. I feel like I don't have anyone. Everyone's so busy with their life. Uhg, I just feel like shit.

-Julia.

[inthemudhole]

Hi.
I got my tickets yesterday....Finally, might I add.
Ten days..
Yeah, it's my mom's birthday today.
I got a shitty GPA for the last quarter.
I literally am a f*ck up. ><

Joe's gone until Sunday night or so...I missed him the second I signed off. :[

Argh, I really need a new screenname...

Hm...
So yeah. I'm going to go now.
Sorry for such a useless and pointless entry.
Meh.

Ten days,

Brie

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

okay i'm home and able to actually type out what i wanna say...
there's been such an enormous amount of crap going on recently and i swear i'm going crazy. just so much pressure, stress, and strain...i'm falling apart. and you know what? i'm gonna spill it all here because i really don't care anymore who reads it, i doubt anyone does anyways.

school has been so shitty...and its mostly my own godamn fault. i've just been slacking and falling behind ever since i missed that week of school due to my vacation...damn. i hate most of my teachers too since they can't teach for shit all. my spanish teacher is a complete moron...and i'm not just saying that. yeah it makes for a slack class, but in such an unenjoyable way. then there's my chem/physics teacher...she can teach chem, but not physics. f**k...i hate her. i've never failed ANYTHING until her classes...she can't teach physics at all...she's never there either. f**k. i hate her. and she hates me. so whatever. then my school in general is just stupid...i'm sick of it.

heh...today i did something new though...i actually skipped and left the school. i've skipped before but stayed at the school...me, adrian, and katie and alex ran across the street to meet james and jamie and we went to a&w during our last block, which is just a study block anyways. we didn't get caught but it was fun and exciting at the same time, as retarded as that sounds. meh. but yeah...i had ANOTHER godamn breakdown, and this time in the car with my mom and rudy...not f**king cool. just leave me the f**k alone.

then my friends...some of them seem so sincere, and some of them not so much...i don't know. i'm so close with my 2 best girlfriends, yet at the same time i'm so afraid to talk to them about some stuff in my life. i don't get it. same with some other close friends in general...its weird...the people i should worry about telling stuff the least, i do the most because i'm worried what they'll think of me i think...i don't even know. then i take comments so damn personally and stupidly...i wore just a little makeup yesterday for the first time in awhile and a close guy friend of mine said to me later on, "you should wear makeup more often." i asked why. "you look really pretty with makeup." i said thanks and didn't give him shit for it, since i know he didn't mean it badly but the way it came out...it really bugged me. i know i look better with makeup but i don't see the point in wearing makeup other than for special occasions and stuff and i'm fine with that, and its nice when people say i look really pretty today or something and that i don't mind, but the way he said it...do i look that plain and unnoticable otherwise? huh? what the hell.

then there's my fucktards of parents. ugh. don't get me started...i could go on forever...lets just say they're hypocritical fools.

one good point...dance (mostly). last night i had dance, and when i'm emotional i dance better...i just pour it all into my dancing, so that was fun. plus, my dance teacher, lindsey, is amazing. she's such an inspiration and mentor to me.

then there's my "heart vs. mind" shit going through my head too...i'm getting too attached to one of my guy friend's and i know it and i shouldn't...i still love mark so it's all good, but i just have this nagging shit going on in the back of my mind that pisses me off...i care so much what he thinks of me too (not mark, the other one) and i care so much for him, as he does for me and its just....blah. timing sucks. not just in that perspective either. in everything....my parents arguing about moving, school shit, dance, everything...its all just piling up.

i miss being happy. i feel so lost right now...and i hate that feeling. i'm only truly happy when with 2 different people...but...then there's conflicts over that too.

screw it all. i quit life.

//edit//
ew. i just realized how emo i sound. oh well. whatever.
anyways, already thought of more to add, so i will.
its funny how happy i get when i'm sincerely called "pretty" or something like that...i guess its cause my self-esteem is still climbing. i used to be one of those little girls who looked in the mirror and saw "ugly" and "fat" and etc. i actually like how i look mostly right now, so its nice when people sincerely compliment me, and not just to get a compliment back or something. you can always tell.
and yeah, i love cb. it always makes me feel better.

This post has been edited by stephinika: Apr 14 2005, 06:15 PM

[tmauze]

Heyy!

Oh goody! Actually, today has been a rather good day. Nothing extrodinarily exciting happened, I've just been in a good mood. Anyways, I got my report card back today and this is the first time EVER not to get a ribbon. I'm rather sad, however I understand because I haven't been trying all that hard in my classes but grades don't matter until highschool anywyas, so seriously, why bother. Oh and math is going well, I've always hated the subject, it's that right or wrong thing, but you sort of learn to love it.

My mom is trying to persuade me to play tennis again and the thing is that I love the sport and I hate being so lazy ( i just eat more ) and I love the sport, it's just somewhat awkward because everyone that plays is really close so I'm rather secluded. I need to work on being more outgoing anways, to add to the list.

Summer is actually like somewhat close to here! YAY! Only 5 more weeks after tommorrow so wow I'm ECSTATIC! I have so many plans and it's going to be the best summer ever. Oh and I get my braces off in 12 DAYS! Yeah baby. I've been waiting for that day for almost 15 months by golly!

Hmm, tommorrow night is a local festival, and it's my favorite of the year! So I'm really looking foreward to that! Camille and Amanda are coming home with me and then we're going to the festival, and finally they'll come back home with me only to do our stupid Spanish project Saturday. However, that's ok with me because this chapter is a fashion show, so it should be rather amusing. PLUS, I already know all the words! I'm so happy my mommy made me speak the darn thing.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm out*

[yukichan]

dear cB diary..

right now things are like hell...everything is driving me crazy..i cant find any peace..i cant find anything...im just lost...

i cant believe she is still after him..she should give up b/c its useless..even if he breaks up with ***** hes not going to go back to her..she needs to c that he was hurt when she dumped him the first week...gosh..

my parents r getting on my case again...gosh...they dont understand what its like to be me..they only c the surface..they dont c anything beneath it...

tomorrow is the field trip..i think ill write poems instead of playing v-ball...i feel so depressed...

crap..theres only 36 days of school left before the school year is over..that means only 36 days of seeing him...i still cant say it..

the only way im able to express myself is writing..its strange because i suck at writing..but when i am writing, i have thoughts and emotions that im able to express through it...

ok well thats it...can say some things here...
*~*~Nancy~*~*

[*wind&fire*]

dear cB diary

some one should rip you up and burn you then create a new one as you have reached 20 pages... *looks towards some one else*

ive also waxed off half my eyebrow yesterday

[soulless727]

Dear cB Diary:

I'm wondering if this is all worth it....I stand by for a year and a half and just watch her boyfriends come and go...but it is discouraging...everytime a new boyfriend goes it feels like part of my heart is as well...She knows how I feel But she doesn't want to ruin our friendship...maybe I should be happy that I get to keep my friendship but I just dont know....I'm so confused....yesterday I caught her staring at my friends nipples which were poking out more than normal because how tight his shirt was and she turned around and licked her lips....it hurts so much right now......and then my mom went through all my shyt looking for pictures that I don't want her to have of me....school pictures...sux _Ss.....and then she goes up and asks me to forgive her less than a minute after I find out....like she phucking did it knowing that she could just ask for forgivness....im out....

-race

[Looow]

Dear Createblog Diary,
Hmm. I'm feeling really confused..

[Nicolatofu]

Dear cB diary,

Wow, something weird actually happened at our school. Apparently, a note was found on the ground with a list of people that some person didn't like. Well, within two days, (today) the note thing was twisted into a hit list. These people were 'supposed' to be shot yesterday. But all it was was a silly note that someone had listed the people they didn't like. The news people and police were there.

Yes, it's finally friday. It's going to be so nice this weekend weather-wise, but I already know what entails for my weekend. Kissing that sweet spyder goodbye. And just in time for summer, too. Hopefully we'll have a car by then. I've managed to control myself and my emotions, but I can't say the same for the anger that I hold towards my brother and how he's managed to hurt our family multiple times recently. He even took a day off of work and came into the house to get all the rest of his belongings while my mom was at work, and while I was at school so that he didn't have to face us. please.

I guess it's not much to complain about, I mean I could have much worse. But whatever. It helps me to vent anyways. I guess I should do the dishes.

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
This week was hell. And the upcoming weeks/month will be hell too. I'm not sure I can go through it all; that I'm capable. Hopefully I'll be able to perservere. I think I just kind of feel like no one is there for me, even if some people are. I still feel abandoned and alone. Stupid, yeah? Oh well. Anyways, today I actually did well on a Spanish test. Maybe this means things are turning around? Or it just means it was really easy. Today I also got my blood drawn again. It hurt like a bitch. They had to poke both arms because they couldn't find my veins in one of them. They're going to be bruised for a month like last time. Oh yay. Well, I'm not sure what else I really have to say...well I actually do have more to add but for the sake of sounding extremely emo as I do in most posts, I'll refrain from doing so.
-Me.

[yukichan]

dear cB diary..
i went to the field trip..it was ok...i took a picture of ed...yes!now i have a picture of him..hehe..

talked to arina today..shes kind of sad..i hope she feels better...i never saw **ke at the field trip..i guess he decided not to come..sigh...

im so confused..i like **ke but i still care a lot about ed...so confused..

overall today was ok..
...Nancy...

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

i've been so frustrated all week..i have such short, happy moments and then its gone just like that. every little thing has been getting to me since my nerves are just fried and i'm at my wit's end as it is...and i've been taking everything so personally...its ridiculous. this is what happens when i feel so shitty. argh. i'm going nuts. everything just goes wrong...then when something goes well, it just gets ruined again. i need an escape, and cb has become that except now the drama and some of the idiocy is annoying but whatever...i applied for a mod. no clue if i'll get it...some people wished me good luck and that was nice. i'd love to get it though...its weird. it seems like such an oddly big deal. its just the internet, yet its so important. huh. there i go rambling again and taking more shit personally. ugh. i hate how i am sometimes.

[*mzkandi*]

Dear CB!!
School is great! I love college! ahhhh.....The classes are getting a little stressful because starting next week week only have two weeks left of this semester. I want to go out with a bang on my exams. I know I can do it.

kiera

[soulless727]

Dear cB Diary:

I'm so happy right now! I went over to Lindsay's house to just bug her because she said she was going to have a family night to Alana and then I got there and her sister said she wasn't home. And I asked her little brother who was outside why she wasn't home and she said they were picking up pizza and 'an Alix.' So I just sat on their stairs waiting for Lindsay to come home so she could explain herself and I still dont get it....But they left me outside all by my lonesome and then her brother came back outside and said they were going to watch a movie but they wouldn't invite me in so I made a deal with her little brother that if I played tag with him He'd invite me in. I'm so rude....lol I'm 14 and I was playing tag with a 1st grader so He'd invite me in to watch the movie with them. Well...it worked....we watched 'A Cinderella Story.' (yes i watch chick flicks). Lindsay and Alix kept saying stuff about how beautiful Hilary Duff is...that was making me paranoid. I just wanted to turn to Alix and tell her how much more she is....but I couldn't do it....I'm a loser like that....I feel stupid now....I shouldn't be so hard on myself...shes taken...shes always taken.....

-race

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

today i have to go to some wedding thing. i am so excited...

--Frankie

[dreamerOi]

dear diary,

andy told me he had feelings for me but justin his bud does too. but id rather not have a boy at all at this moment. they just burden and slow you down. for now. anywho ive played pool for the first time in my life. i went after i helped out at the retirement home. tomorrow i have to finish history .

[*wind&fire*]

Dear cB diary....

i really hope i get mod...

[nhj_2006]

dear cb diary,

he got mad at something that i dont even kno what i did. i apologized. sincerely.. first time, this is crazy, apologizing for something that i didnt do, anyway, he IS still mad. maybe...its really over....

-edit.

he calls and tells me his fone is broke but he is still using his fone now. wat the?...ionno... we'll take it slow from here...

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

the reception was alright. the food was good. everyone there was latino. for once i wasn't a minority! i can't until i find out whether i am a mod or not!

--Frankie

[whywasisostupid]

Dear Cb Diary,
People make me laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha. Funny what the internet does.

[ichiban]

dear cb diary,

it feels like everything in my life is messed up. i still remember when i was in fourth grade, and everyday i'd be so happy and jumpy for no reason. that time was when i first converted to christianity, and i felt so blessed by God. my aunt had gotten me a childrens edition bible and i finished it in a couple of days. it was the time when my two grandmas were staying over, so the house was never lonely. it was the christmas when i was simply happy .. when all my aunts, uncles, and cousins were iinvited over for a huge christmas celebration. i had the coolest friends in the world. i had the best grades in the class. three years ago, i had everything i could ever want.

i feel so empty now. the house is always quiet and lonely, and i've lost so many friends. i'm always depressed, and i often cannot figure out why. it sometimes feels like God has left me. i know He's there, but it's like I've done something horrible and .. I don't know. I'm so confused. Hey, even last year was pretty cool. there were times in january when i was so happy i could scream. there were times in april/may when i couldn't wait to get to school to meet my friends. but now, i don't even know what i want. i just want to lie in bed forever and leave it at that. i don't have any real friends that care. there's no prince charming to be by my side. my family isn't real. All I have is God, and I really do love God, but I always feel like my prayers aren't heard.

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Diary,
I feel bad for her. She doesn't deserve any of the crap she's given. The sad thing is, I can't do anything to help her with her problems either. Bleh.

I went to study at my grandma's today. ( My cousin lives there.) I'm happy, cause I actually finished my math homework. And, I understood it. Exciting, no?

The other day, after reading The Notebook, I was thinking about everything. My past, the present, and what my future will be like. I'm worried for both my brothers. They're getting the wrong start in things. Funny how I hate one of them. He knows there's something wrong, but he won't fix it. Lazyass. And the other one....he annoys the hell out of me, but I do love him dearly. He's so young. I want his future to be perfect. Even though I don't want him to, he looks up to me. It's really weird, actually. I don't want him to grow up like me.

Blaaaaaaah. I need a break. I want summer freaking now.