createBlog Diary., Version 3. Options

[yummy_delight]

dear cb diary:

it's great that you're here. there are some things i just can't say on my lj. it's too public. this offers a little bit more privacy. even though more people can see this... if that makes any sense at all.

i hate to do this. but it's another emo girl diary entry. haven't you had enough of these? but i just can't help it. unfortunately, emo is me. so anyways. on with the emotion!

this week was just great. fabulously awesome. i didn't expect it to be since it's the week we get back from spring break. but it WAS. and it's all thanks to him. wonderful amazing him. i used to think it was just a crush because of my fickle history. but the thing is, i think this might be something more. here's why.

a crush is TEMPORARY. it shouldn't last for more than a week. a month tops. under no circumstances do crushes last for 10 months. 10 months is either an elephant's gestation period or love. that's just a fact of life. so since i don't have a trunk, huge floppy ears, or weigh 10,000 tons, i'm going to have to categorize this feeling i have for him as love. the REAL thing and nothing less.

it kills me. feeling this way and not saying anything about it. but what can i do? he's talented. he's intelligent. he's hilarious. he's hot. he's out of my league.

and i am officially pathetic. i want it to stop.

xoxo- lauren.

[whyohsokind443]

Dear cb diary,
i like him. does he like me? soooo hope my life will be good the next couple of years.

<3,
someone

[xXirockhardXx]

Dear cb diary,

Im in spring break right now and i have a ton of homework. Bad thing about that is that i havent even started it..... Well, lifes been really boring. Ive done nothing except go to the movies with my cousin. [once] Other than that i stay home and go online. Im kinda glad were going back to school but then again no im not. To much stress especially since were almost going to start testing. I freaking hate those stupid state test.... I just realized that ive been whining but eh im gonna keep going. Shoot! my cousin just told me shes coming to my house. Ugh i cant wait. Gosh i dont want to keep whining so im leaving.

love,

>me

[wounded]

dear CBD,

I have that kenny chesney song, "Anything but mine", on. It reminds me a lot of T. Even though I've made horrible mistakes with what I did with him, I still feel like a whore. I don't know. If my friends saw I felt like that, they would a] kill me or b] make me turn my life over completely to God. I'm not really up to either of those at the moment.

In better news, I'm turning 15 on sunday. It's weird, though. I feel like i'm too old to be 15. Like I should be turning older. I'm not too sure that I am just 14 right now.

[to-devastate]

Dear cB diary,
YES! I'm sitting next to him in science!! WHOOOO. YES. I love it. Haahaha. Too bad he ignores me. But oh well. I should feel happy. I love my best friends. <3
- Gleeee xD

[yukichan]

dear cb diary,
another day of frustrating emotions..

i hate the way my english is hard to understand..i stutter a lot when i talk..

today i felt like killing jared..what he did was so mean..seriously..doesnt he see that i dont like him?my gosh..he is so annoying...

i hate feeling so uncertain about things..argh..idk if i like him or not..i do, but i know so little about him..well i know more than most ppl, i think..hes so shy and quiet..well thats how i used to be..sigh..im glad he is going kaiser...

the solar car project is so fun..the car goes super fast now..its so fun..lol...

taking apart the table was so fun...saw ***ar..hes ok i guess...hes just a normal person now..he used to be much more..i guess it just died out..kinda feel sad thinking about it..

thats it i guess..
<3 Nancy..

[Nicolatofu]

CB diary,

Oh my, I'm approaching the last weekend of spring break. I despise going to school. The people there just drive me nuts. I really wanted to go to to the zoo this weekend. poo. Well, Felicia and I should be setting my dates for my vacation once again this summer to California. I can't wait to see everyone. Hopefully my mom will agree to let me stay a month. that's how long i plan to stay. hmm.. never watched the Jay Leno show before.. it's kinda funny. Apparently some movie star bought a house in Lexintong, KY. Who would've known? the day i decide to watch it out of all, the state i reside in is mentioned.

edit// oh my f**king god I hate my brother with a flaming passion at the moment. He's filing for bankrupcy(sp?) and since he was supposed to be helping my mom with the payments because 10 thousand dollars of it is money he owed, now he decided to include it which means that they are reposessing our spyder eclipse. My mom has been paying the payments fine, but now he's not willing to pay 10 thousand dollars, so they are taking the car. We can't even get an old junky car. My mom will lose her job with no transportation. She can't pay the house payment with out a job, and so on. He feels no sympathy for us at all. He even said flat out he doesn't care if my mom loses her job and we have no money. He's so cold hearted after all my mom has done for him. He's such an a-hole, he thinks i had a bad attitude towards him before, but he better not think about coming anywhere near our family again. I will never talk to him again for doing this to us. If we end up losing our house and live on the streets, it will be because of him. I doubt it will come to that but if it does, he said "That's just life." Because he has to do what's good for him. He doesn't think of anyone else except himself that selfish bastard.

[wounded]

Dear CBD,

Tonight is the military ball, and I should be getting ready for it right now. But I don't want to think about going. Not right now. My emotions have gone awol and there is nothing that can make me want to go. Maybe seeing B at my door tonight, ready to take me, will make it happy. It's funny, B agreed to go with me. I mean, I asked him and all, but... it's weird. B and I are just friends, and that's all I want with him.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow is also the concert with B and her youth group. I'm not even the slightest bit excieted for that.

There is something seriously wrong with me, and it's eating me alive. I asked S yesterday in school if I was allowed to die. She told me "no", as always. But it doesn't stop me from hurting.

Why is everything in this life so confusing? Mum has my birth-grandfathers address sitting on her desk. Are they seriously going to write him a note? Oh, dear Lord.

I'm such a mess up.

[inthemudhole]

Hello.

Yet another boring Saturday.
Meh. Oh well. I shouldn't complain....It's better than going to school, that's for sure.

Joe's camping for the weekend...He'll be back tomorrow in the late afternoon, I think.
*sighs*
I'm really worried about him....We didn't...er, exactly have the best conversation before he was getting ready to leave for camping.
I certainly wish we could've had a better talk before he left for camping...Now I feel like the most horrible person right now, because I'm sure I did something wrong, and I'm sure I contributed to the issue.
I sent him a nice, little e-mail that I wrote up in history on Friday morning....Hopefully he reads it and e-mails me back.
I sincerely hope I didn't do anything wrong.
But, knowing him, he is a bit moody...So I guess that could be part of the issue. I just hope I didn't contribute to it.

He's so sweet, though...
He's so protective of me. He's always looking out for me.
He's always telling me things that my parents should be telling me to do. That sounds strange, I guess, but to me...It's incredibly sweet.
He always tells me to get more sleep and to do my homework. He also tells me to stop cutting. No one that knows about my habit has ever told me to stop. This all sounds strange to another person, but I like it. I like the feeling that someone actually cares for me and cares about me enough to try and get me to stop that horrible habit of mine.

It's a hideous habit, I do admit, but I can't control it.
I'm seriously starting to go even more insane than I already thought I was.
Seriously. I'm not being one of those "LOLZ!1!! I`m sh0 fuqqed up in da hed!1! I lyk 2 drink blOod lOlZ!!!" kinds of teenagers. I reallly think I am wrong in the head.

I don't even know why I started cutting. Just one night last summer...I was in a horrible mental state. I broke down. I took a knife out of the drawer. I lowered it to my arm and just....Well, "dug in," I guess. It didn't hurt, and that is what brought me to liking it, I guess.
I feel really weird saying all this, but it's almost relieving. None of my local friends are going to see this, and that is comforting. They'd basically cut off all contact with me if they figured out how I really am. Literally.
I guess maybe I should attempt to be more positive...Maybe they'd try and help me. I don't know.
All I know is....No one (local) must ever find out.
I'm so paranoid....So paranoid that my parents are either going to catch me in the act, or see my scars.
When I first started, my mom saw some of my pathetic scratches one day when I was swimming. I told her I fell. She bought it. I don't think she'd buy it anymore, seeing that they're not teeny scratches anymore. I couldn't lie and say that I was playing with my dog Becky, and we got a little rough and she ended up scratching me.
She would not buy that.

Anyway, I feel really weird talking about this...Now I fear that someone here is going to read it and change their opinions on me....But I really felt like I should let that out. I'm sick of keeping everything inside of me. I don't have ANYONE to talk to. None of my friends listen to me. They just direct the subject back on them and THEIR problems. It seems like they don't even give a shit about me anymore and that their boyfriends are the most important things in their lives at the moment.
Just ignore the f**king fact that I've been friends with you for over ten years and that you've only known this guy for six months. JUST IGNORE THAT. JUST PRETEND I BARELY EVEN KNOW YOU. JUST PRETEND THAT I DON'T EVEN MATTER. JUST PRETEND THAT I DON'T CARE.
*sighs deeply*
I've known my best friend for over ten years. She's known her boyfriend for half of a year. Yet she seems to make HIM her priority. HE is the only thing that matters to her anymore, and it REALLY shows. Her schoolwork sucks this year, I'll be quite frank. She's bringing home D's like she used to bring home A's. I can't stand to watch her schoolwork suffer like that. I've told her to do her work and do it well, but she doesn't listen to me. Only Bob matters to her now.

I'm sick of faking all of these smiles. That sounds so incredibly cliche, I'm sorry, but it's true. I fake EVERYTHING. I haven't been truly happy in a long time. Sure, knowing that I'm going to an awesome concert makes me smile, but I haven't been truly happy since I was a little kid. I wasn't even truly happy when I was dating Alec, and at the time, I thought we were THE perfect couple and that we were going to stay together for a long time.

It seems like all my friends and people my age are obsessed with pairing up. It's sickening. Save that until high school when you can actually manage to keep a steady relationship and still do your schoolwork well. As you get older, you manage your time better. I guess it comes with maturity.

I admit...I would like a boyfriend right now. I had one when I was younger. It was a bad choice. I liked him a lot, but now I feel like a doofus when I say I had my first boyfriend and my first kiss at age twelve. I sound like a little whore. Hey, at least I didn't go past first base though. A lot of people in my school probably aren't even virgins anymore.

I think I'm starting to possess the traits of an anorexic. I don't look like one, that's for sure, but I have started to not eat and throw up the little that I do eat. I didn't even realize I did this until a few days ago. I was sitting in class and all of a sudden realized that I hadn't eaten in a few days and that I threw up what I had eaten prior to that. I do a lot of things without realizing I'm doing them. Goddamn, I sound like a whiny attention-whore, but I'm really not. No one knows about my problems. I don't make them known. I do that on purpose. I don't want to be accused of being an attention-seeking whore. I really don't want that. I'd rather have no one know the "true me," than have everyone know about what I do and how I really am.

Nothing I do is right anymore...
If I bring home a B to my parents, that isn't good enough. They want an A.
If I do bring home an A to them, they want it to be a higher A and they want me to manage that A from here-on-in. I realize they want me to succeed in life, but do they have to be so damn strict? Do they have to IGNORE the good marks I make and focus solely on the "unnacceptable" marks that I make? I don't care if they talk about my bad marks. That's very reasonable, but anytime I get a good grade on something and I tell them, they're just like, "that's good. Now what did you get in math?" because they know math is my weak point. They don't even smile at me anymore. When I was younger...Hell, even LAST YEAR, they would at least ACKNOWLEDGE my good marks. Now they just look past them and focus on the few bad ones I do make. I don't mean to sound cocky when I say, "the few bad marks that I make," because my parents require so much.

Wow. I've whined enough for one day.
This is probably the longest entry I've made here.
Hm.
I like it.
I like saying what's on my mind without the fear of someone I personally know coming across all of this, because none of my friends really get into message boards and the internet as much as I do.
I guess one of my friends that used to post here could find this, but I don't think she's going to seek out every cB diary post I make.

People really annoy me.
I'm listening to the perfect song for my "people annoy me" mood.
Yes. That would be "People = Shit" by Slipknot. <3
I got my friend Jason into Slipknot a bit last night. It's a good feeling. ;P

Anyway...I think I'm going to go do something.
15 days.

Thanks,

Brie

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

well, i am at home watching nicolas. tomorrow we have to all go over the hell whole, aka the grandparents house because it is katie's and aunt lori's birthday. it might be fun even though i highly doubt it. i am so happy that monday is a "B" day because i love b days and the weekends before a b day. we get report cards on friday and i asked aunt paula if i got a printout of my spanish grade if i could get on the computer again but she said no. i guess i deserve it because i did slack very badly this six weeks but i am hope and praying to god that i got a b even though i doubt it. speaking of god, i am starting to read the bible...well, kinda. i am going to be getting thig little booklet that will have little lessons that will let me read it and then take a quiz over it and after i am done with all the questions and lessons, i send it back to the people and if i passed the little quiz thing, they send me the next booklet in the series. i am kinda excited because i am not very close to god even though i know that i should be and want to be. i need to start believing.

--Frankie

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

i am so sick of this. i hate being so unsure and thinking 'what if'. godammit. its driving me crazy...to the point of tears every night. i hate this. i hate living my life like this. f**k it. i need to know.

[*mishyerr*]

Dear Createblog diary,
The word to describe today was hell. Even if I do not believe in hell, it was what Christians and all those types describe as hell. As if Satan was winding his fingers around my mother. [Wait, than again, she always is Satan] From the second I wake up and step into the shower, she yelled at me nonstop. Banging on my bathroom door to hurry up b/c she'd miss her yoga class. She forces me to sit near her yoga class [when she could've just left me at home in peace] and do nothing. That son of a whore. And than takes me to her office and yells at me some more. And than takes me to art lessons and yells at me more. Wtf is her problem? I'm so stressed out about her and school and life, I don't even know what to do anymore. I talked to a dealer about hooking me up with something to relieve my pain. It was my last resort. I never thought I'd ever have to talk to her about it. I can't believe how low I have sunk to be happy. It's disgusting. I'm pathetic. I wish I could kill someone.

~Michelle.

[*Azarel*]

I hate this feeling of neediness. It makes me feel so empty. I hate it.
-Me.

[xTINAA]

dear cb diary,

i am so sick of this. i hate being so unsure and thinking 'what if'. godammit. its driving me crazy...to the point of tears every night. i hate this. i hate living my life like this. f**k it. i need to know.

Wow Steph. Again, exactly what I would write and how I feel. We should talk sometime =]

[soulless727]

Dear cB Diary:

I dunno why I write in here. I honestly think that no one reads it. I wouldnt say its a waste of time though. I cant exactly write in my private entries on my xanga anymore because I decided to give her my password so she reads them and then Id feel bad about writing all this stuff on how i feel because I know she is going to read it and it just isnt the same as it used to. So If anyone is actualy reading this give me an IM or something because I'm new here and I'd like to talk to some of you people, especialy if you actualy read these.

Anyways, I was talking to her this morning and I feel that we are becoming closer, sadly we are still just friends, as it will probably always be. We were talking and talking and I eventualy got her to tell me about a dream she had last week with me in it. I think back now and instead of asking if its nasty I shouldve asked if its something that could ever happen in real life. Apparently a bunch of our friends were in her bedrom on her bed except I was on the floor just laying there. Then she told me she was on top of me and we were making out. I feel like this should mean something special to me...but it doesnt. I am just happy that she felt that she could tell me it. I guess I just dont love her like that...like wanting all that physical contact...thats still love? This doesnt make me gay does it? Not wanting to make out or have sex or anything like that with here? Is that still love? Im so confused right now....I keep telling myself its a greater type of love...that I love her too much to ruin things now. I found last night that I couldnt think of her face...that broke my heart. it was like my body refused to let me think about her...maybe in fear of picturing things in my mind? Thats probably why I can only think of faces anyways. Ive never been like other guys....I know Im not gay...but this really makes you wonder....is it possible to be gay and not know it? ive never found a guy attractive...maybe im asexual...but i still (love?) her. I was so frustrated last night when I couldnt picture her face (i could but not like instantly like i could with other peoples)....I feel so bad about it even now....I could only start with the imperfections...I am questioning it all right now....One of my friends is telling me how they are trying to move on....should I move on? or should i just give up hope....its sad to see all you write about how much you hate life....I hope Im not that type of guy to make other girls hate their lives. But when is it time to move on? This feeling i have towards her is the strongest thing ive ever felt...stronger than what i feel towards my parents. I am tempted to call it love although almost everyone thinks a 14 year old cannot love. I have tried moving on b4....when she started going out with another guy....it was the first guy after i told her how i felt....that broke my heart and i was jealous of him until i realized that i should be happy...i wasnt able to move on....and now she is with another guy and it kind of breaks your heart a little more everytime a new person comes along. if it wasnt for how many times they have gone out already it would hurt me a lot more, but i know this is their 3rd time going out and I just keep thinking they must like each other a lot. im phucking crying right now....like wtf....life is shyt.....i wear this phucking mask on all day and i keep all these feelings inside..1.....2....3......why do i have to wear this mask.....4.....why do we need to hide.......5.....cant believe im telling people im crying....ive always been emotional since i was a lil boy....i thought i got through that........apparently i was wrong, cuz im writing here to myself probably about how im crying.....5...tears with 2 more drying up on the side.....ugh.....im just going to stop here b4 i embarass myself anyfurther......im wondering where the light is in my tunnel....where is my fairy tale ending....?

-race

[*tweeak*]

dear cb diary,

i am a bitter old maid at the age of 15. someone get me a[n entirely new] life NOW

[*stephinika*]

chrissy: hmm i don't see why not... i added you on msn. i'm sure we'll talk.

dear cb diary:

so...yeah. this is stupid. ah well...not much i can do except think some more and assume and hope and i don't know what. bleah. i just haven't figured myself out yet.

[wounded]

Dear CBD,

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me.

Yeah, actually it is a happy birthday. My parents found those letters and pictures from my birth mum in my attic. So they gave them to me. Maybe now I'm one step closer to meeting her. I actually cried when I read the note. About how much she loved me. How she wants me to write her. Call her. Drop her a line some how. That was 15 years ago today (well, she wrote the note on the 12th). Does she still want all of that?

[x LUV x ALWAYS x]

Dear CB Diary,

Things haven't been going amazingly with my friends. I really truly love them all, but between some of us the relationship is getting very shaky.

I really love him. I just can't stand how sometimes he finds it funny to tease me always and expect me to not get pissed off. I haven't asked him out yet. I may never. Our friendship is shaky enough as it is.

School has been crazy. There's been too much work, and this is the final trimester. I pray this will be over soon.

love always. xox
sierra.

[*tweeak*]

dear cb diary,

i fail to see any particular reason why he subscribed to a few people and not me. first he only had 2, and i assumed he just didnt care anymore, but now theres a few more. i wouldnt really care, but i consider him a friend and i had a ridiculous crush on him all last year. i find this annoying. grr.

[heyyfrankie]

Dear Createblog Diary,

nicolas has been the worst boy lately, he is really pissing me off! the reason why i am writing about him i here is because he is being really bad...but enough about him...
we all have to go over to the grands house because we have to eat dinner for aunt lori's and katie's birthday. it will be boring, i already know it. =/
i am so excited about monday because i know it is going to be easy. i love easy days.
not much has happened since yesterday so yeah.

--Frankie

[lilconfusedbabii...]

dear cb diary,
i hate change. i mean i`m glad im away from my old youth group & my old church. but the feeling of 'not fitting in' or being just a 'newbie' or w/e just doesn't suit me. all my memories are gonna be washed away. i dont know if i should be happy or sad.

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

still confused as hell. but on another note...i want to write so badly and i know what i want to write...if only it'd come out in the right words.

//edit// adding on..
well i wrote a sort-of monologue thing but i thought too much about it. i like writing spontaneously, but those sometimes just don't turn out as well, but i suppose they do sometimes. now then...i want to write more! grr...but no proper words are coming out. this is driving me nuts. or well...to be more specific, there are proper words that i can say...but i'm too scared to say them or write them on actual paper in fear of someone actually reading it. bleah.
i hate my mind.

[xXirockhardXx]

Dear cb diary,

I regret telling my cousin that theres a Cb diary. Now she can read what i write about which is ok but it feels sorta weird.

Friday was good. My cousin slept over and we had a blast. It was cool because we were making fun of Ciera [or Ciara im not sure & i dont really care] and how she talked when she wasent singing. lol it was hilarious. Then we were being really loud that and my dad got up and asked us when we were going to bed and i say we didnt know. lol. I think he got pist. Yeiihhh hahaha jk. N.e ways Today my mom and my sisters went to LA with my uncle and his kids. I didnt go because i didnt fell like it. My mom was telling me to wake up and im like NO! leave me alone! So she asked me if i wanted to stay and im like yeah and shes like ok well be back later. It is now 10:32 pm and they are not back yet. I dont mind them being gone because i want it to be silent in the house. The only people that are home are my dad and Janeth [sisters friend] I think she feels like an outcast in the house. lmfao. Yup she got kicked out of her house. Thats sad.

I have one more week to finish my spring break homework. But i keep putting it on the side which i have to stop doing. Ugh i dont want to go back to school now. Ok.... ill be leaving now. Bye.

me

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
Wow. Just wow. I wrote so much today. Even though, to me, most of it completely sucks and each is repetitive with the other, I still am just amazed that I was able to write so much. I've almost been in writer's block for a while and just to be able to get everything out felt so good. I love writting. It's such a relief to me. I just wish that sometimes people would appreciate it more. Because honestly, although it may have been written quickly and sloppily put together, I put so much emotion into it. And when I share it with people I consider to be my closest friends, they totally disregard that. Oh well. Anyways, today was an alright day I guess. At least it snowed a whole bunch. SNOW DAY! Yes. Such excitement; no school. I hate that hell hole. Okay, well g'bye. I'm off to write more and maybe get some sleep in.
-Me.