what do you make of this? Options

[kae]

I need some advice, this is a long read but i would appreciate if you could take the time out and read it and give me your feedback.

cheers


Hey love,

I don’t know if we will get a chance to continue our convo before I go, so I want to share these thoughts with you before I forget about them.

ABCDE, the main reason I wanted to talk about this stuff is because I have no clue what you are thinking – which is what harbors my doubts. To be honest, I’ve felt that you’ve gone more distant after we’ve made love and I wasn’t prepared for that. But anyways…

I really appreciate it when you do share your thoughts, fears and hopes with me. It makes me feel like I am someone you are close to, who you can share anything without the fear of feeling stupid or being judged – or this is what I hope to be one day. Telling someone that they are all that is very different from them really being all that.

Its also one of the reasons why I am so open with you. I want you to know each and every thought of mine, on serious matters at least, (some thoughts I admit I’d rather keep to myself **grins**) I hope you don’t misunderstand me. I want to be able to share each and every thing with you without the fear of feeling stupid or being judged too. And I must admit at times you do make me feel stupid and you do unfairly judge me, and yes it does hurt but call me an idealist - you don’t feel love without being vulnerable and unfortunately once you are vulnerable chances are you will get hurt too. You have learned the true lesson the hard way, and maybe I’ll learn mine the hard way too!

However, I think both of us make an excellent effort to be frank with one another most of the time, the only issue is timing. We talk about making love i.e what we like and didn’t like after 2 months! I would appreciate it if you could be more open in your views about sensitive things, without the fear of hurting me…. yes at times I will be hurt by what you say but at the same time it is what you are thinking (regardless of if you are right or not) and I have to listen to you. but keep in mind how you say something will affect how I react and vice versa. There is no reason to be mean when you know something you are going to say will hurt the other person, infact if you say it with sensitivity the other person will hurt less and will be more likely to really listen to you.

(this is a low blow I cant stop myself) You can go on your tirades and say stuff that you supposedly don’t mean when you are upset, why not make an effort to say things you do mean when you aren’t upset, especially when you don’t explain why you say what you did say? To be honest, even though you always say you don’t mean it, I cant help but feel that you did really mean what you say when you are upset. When you’re upset, you just lash out. Yes most of the time it is just to spite and hurt me but I am sure you really do feel some of those sentiments. It would be nice to know which ones those were cos then we’d be able to talk about them and build on our relationship in a constructive manner cos once u say I don’t mean it, I cant pick up on whats wrong.

Another note:

You said that if you had acted more decisively in the past you would have been married to 123456 by now and had several kiddos but you wanted to do things the right way.

Although I understand why you may feel bitter, you don’t know how much that says about your character ABCDE. The right way to do things is almost always the hardest. I must admit I have never had to face such an intense dilemma before but from the little things that I have experienced to date… somewhere along the line it feels good to know that one did the right thing, it is always rewarding in some form in the future.

Anyways, getting back to the topic of the email.

I agree with you that there are no guarantees when it comes to marriages… its all a gamble. All you can do is, arm yourself with good relationship building skills, good communication skills, honest and sincere intentions, a lot of patience and understanding, a sprinkle of affection, and hope for the best - - - whether you love the person at the time of marriage or not.

However, considering how much both of us have at stake here we should give it extra thought, granted nothing really goes as planned, but at least the thought process will make both of us think about what each of us wants out of life and if we can achieve it with one another. And I don’t think that is selfish. ABCDE, you have to watch out for what YOU want and how YOU will be happy, yes I am here for you and love you and you are dear to me and I try my best to make you happy to the best of my understanding and capabilities… but your happiness does not lie in my efforts alone. It is first and foremost dependent on what you want and how you feel…. So when you express ideas and your concerns about wanting to get married asap. I don’t think you are being selfish – that is the way it should be.

From our brief conversation, what I partially understand of your situation is: You would like to get married and start a family, and the sooner the better cos hey you do want to spend time with your kids before you feel you may be too old.

Option 1) If you want to get married to me: IF I get accepted to XYZ uni, I will be moving to your town, but that can be anytime between May and August. Then we have to figure out the logistics of you meeting my parents and what not. You cannot just hop on a plane and go to meet them, and my dad cant do that either. I will be going back once every year in my winter vacations. So that brings us to December/January. As of now, not having gone over various other options with you, and not knowing your thoughts completely, I am making MANY ASSUMPTIONS here: - It is going to be 12 months before we even tell my parents. After that it could take 1 month, 6 months, a year, 2 years, how ever long it takes for them to soften their stance. The other side is, after making all the possible efforts maybe my parents don’t agree after all. However lets say if by some miracle we did get married within 12 months, we still cannot start a family until I finish school, and after all the ifs and buts that is roughly going to be 3 years.

However, to be honest I would like to tell my parents about you and have you meet them as soon as possible. I hate hiding this from them and I have expressed this to you before. Especially now since I might be moving to your town, ideally I would like for them to know about you and have met you in person before I move. Yes it will make things difficult for me but at the same time if I wait and tell them after I reach your town I don’t want them to feel like I fooled them – that will be a killer for me.

Option 2) Go to 9876: get married within your community without any hassles. Lets say if you are going in Feb, you get married and within the next 6 months your wife can be with you and you will be able to start a family whenever you want. So by September you could be happily married where as with me there are a ton of ifs and buts. So this way you will definitely be able to start a family within 3 years if you and your wife agree.

In simple terms the reality is: for things you work out between us…it will take time and lots of effort and will hurt a lot of people, atleast in the immediate short term (only!! I hope). There are many other short term problems and other issues, some of which also have a positive side to them. We have talked at length about them and then there are going to be many more complications in the future that we cant even begin to plan for.

ABCDE, in all honesty.. if you were a friend of mine and came to me and told me your predicament… as a third person I’d very honestly tell you that you really have no practical reason to go for it.

Looking at the (possible) emotional reasons to go for it:

- You like my hair and nose piercing: long story short, I aint the only one. Plus I’m going bald (ok this was my sad attempt at humour).
- You want to marry out of your community: even though I don’t understand exactly why that is your preference there is no reason to think you may not be able to find someone else through the arranged marriage system who could just as well meet this preference.
- Yes you love me, but there is no reason to think you may not be able to love someone else, who knows you may even love her more! Hey theres s good chance that she may have more than just one asset – she may have a better bum, she may be super fantastic looking, have amazing boobies, be intelligent, articulate, and sophisticated and all those things you want in a wife that you don’t perceive me to be or I am not and may never be.
- Yes I can put up with your mood swings but with enough love, understanding and effort your wife will too. And for all we know, maybe my patience will prove to be short lived – however being realistic you need to get your act together on that scene its unhealthy for you and for those of you who will be around you.

And finally:

- We’ve had sex. (I’ve noticed you get uncomfortable when we talk abt it – that’s weird). If things don’t work out between us, yes its true that I will be judged in the future for it but that will not be your problem- you are only responsible for your part alone you just got lucky that our society favours men! But likewise, I will be accountable for my part. At the same time I am confident that I will be able to be perceived more than ‘used goods’ as the term goes – but if I am then its my responsibility to deal with it.
- You made a commitment to me - - - ABCDE I have said many times before that I don’t expect anything from you that you are not willing to give. At this stage we only have a moral commitment to one another. We are not engaged, and I don’t have a ring with your name on it or anything. In all honesty, the only thing that I expect from you, as I told you in the very beginning, is to be honest to your self.


My personal opinion and advice:

If you want to go for a love marriage the only reason you should marry me is because you believe firmly that you will not find anyone better than me. You firmly believe in your ability to love me as I am, and in my ability to love you as you are. You want to have kids with me and want to raise them with me (for that we need to share some common values) and you can see yourself growing old with me.

Because trust me, if you marry me for any other reason it is going to fall short extremely fast when the going gets stuff – and we both know marriages are hard. More over I know I don’t want that. I am not willing to risk the things I have to unless I know and feel in my guts that you believe + absolutely know + feel in your guts that **I AM THE ONE**. (I will fall on my face if I settle for anything less then that given our situation.)

So ultimately you will not be doing anyone any good if you decide to go along with it for any other reason besides the one above. If you do so you will be only cheating yourself.

So maybe the question is not ‘how things are going to work out?’ or ‘If things will work out?’. There is no doubt that you love/care for me, hey this is why we’re having this conversation. Maybe the real question is ‘Do you love me **enough** to make things work?’

Lastly:

Now I am not trying to make any decisions for you. This is a decision that you alone have to make but please be honest to yourself keeping your goals and needs in mind. If you think that is selfish then please be selfish right now. As your happiness is dependent on the fulfillment of your needs. If your needs are not met you wont really be happy. And if you are not happy how can you expect to keep someone else happy?

So love, please be honest to yourself, and yes there is a possibility that the answer you come up with will hurt both of us immensely right now, but this hurt will be better than living a life of regrets and misery forever. On a more optimistic note maybe the answer you come up with might be the first foundation step to making this work.

Now, I will get out of your face and give you time to think things through. I will make an effort not to write to you so as to not affect your feelings. But please know that I will be missing you and will be thinking of you.

*Hugz*