Torn Options

[*mSz_dOrk_anGeL*]

Okay so yeah .. This isnt really a poem or a song or anything. It's just writing.


There once was a girl who lived a fairy tale dream. She had a dog, three cats and her mom and dad. Both who she loved with all her heart. Then one day her father left her, soon after she moved away from her dog, her three cats and her perfect brick house on Stestson Road. She moved to a new place and had to go to a new school, everyone there seemed to like her and she was happy. But then a few years later, again she had to leave, and move an hour away when her mother re-married. This new school wasnt so nice. Her first day everyone hated her. As the years went by she knew that she wasnt wanted there. They called her a lesbian, they made fun of her because of her lack of designer handbags and once they even took her down and beat her. She came home and cried everyday alone in her room, knowing that the next day she would have to return to that place she called 'hell'. In the 6th grade she had found out her father had cheated on her stepmom who she loved dearly. Her father left, never to be heard from again. After that she went into a more deep depression. Sorrow filled every day. She then found she didn't want to live. She grabbed the pills and took as many as she could, but never once did she not wake up. She cried herself to sleep on Christmas never wanting to wake up to the presents around the glittery tree. As time when on she found Self Injury, no more killing herslef the fast and easy way, she wanted to do it slowly and suffer so much pain. Everynight she would light a candle and use the flame or the hot wax to burn her soft smooth skin and watch as redness formed. She smoked now too. She was 12 years old and was sneaking down to the kitchen to get a swig of vodka or anything she could find. But no, drinking or smoking wouldnt kill her. She loved taking safety pins to her arms and draw pretty pictures with it. Pictures of small hearts, sometimes broken ones. Almost year went by and then she finally had her first boyfriend. She thought he cared for her and wanted to take care of her. All he really wanted was her body. To use it, take advantage of it and break her. Every weekend she would go to his house and was made to give him oral pleasure, finally he wanted more, and he made her. One dark night while his mom and sister were out he told her to come over and just to say 'Oh, his moms there don't worry.' He made her do it, and she did out of fear. That was the night her small trembling body was used more than words could say. Afterwords, she layed there, scared and cold, wanting only to be held and told, 'It's going to be okay.' Never did she once get that. Then her boyfriend started to hit her, eveytime she did something worng twack arcoss her face. He told her she was to fat, this caused her to want prefection even more. Anorexia became her new friend. Finally, before she left him, he beat her. Trown onto the floor. Gammed into corners. Pushed into the stairs. Her head hit the table when he threw her so hard that she felt so blank and didn't know where she was for a minute. Months later, she still has scars and is scared of guys. Most of the ones she knows has hurt her. She lives her life scared. Alone. Always wanting to be perfect. No other guy wants her, and the only ones that do, just want to use her. Maybe someday this nightmare will end.

This girl .. is me.


Thank you for reading. Enjoy.