Bittersweet |
  |
| *Kathleen* |
 Sep 5 2004, 05:00 PM
Post
#1
|
|
Guest  |
Why do I feel numb?
Why is it so cold? What is this feeling I can't succumb? The light dimmed out long ago Now I sit here to rot; no one to hold Why are these scars burned so deep? Someone save me now or forever I'll sleep The numbness is quite unbearable The only thing that could save me now is a miracle Oh yes - God...where is he now? He doesn't hear my screams and shouts - am I not loud? Gasping for bittersweet oxygen, I uncontrollably choke Crimson liquid peruses my apparel; down it soaks In an instant, the intruder pierces me once more My soul slowly escapes my corpse as I fall to the floor Life is full of "if only"s, is it not? I'd be here if only it wasn't myself that I fought |
|
|
|
|
Sep 5 2004, 05:08 PM
Post
#2
|
|
 The voices talk too much... -.-u  Group: Member Posts: 2,099 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 39,078 |
QUOTE(Kathleen @ Sep 5 2004, 3:00 PM) Why do I feel numb? Why is it so cold? What is this feeling I can't surcome? This verse doesn't fit your beat. Switch the second verse with the third one and add a fourth one. ^_^ |
|
|
|
|
Sep 5 2004, 07:45 PM
Post
#3
|
|
 I can rot your brain ;] Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 1,160 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 42,261 |
Kathleen!
Yet again...whoohoo! Astounding job. I like it. It flows smoothly throughout the whole thing. The message is grand and it's very in depth. =] |
|
|
|
| *CrackedRearView* |
Sep 5 2004, 10:00 PM
Post
#4
|
|
Guest |
Good emotion.
"Surcome", that's a new one. Thanks for learnin' me! |
|
|
|
| *Kathleen* |
Sep 5 2004, 11:01 PM
Post
#5
|
|
Guest |
Eep. I meant "succumb". *Hits head* Thank you, though.
|
|
|
|
| *CrackedRearView* |
Sep 5 2004, 11:13 PM
Post
#6
|
|
Guest |
Oh, I actually thought it was a real word.
|
|
|
|
|
Sep 6 2004, 04:08 AM
Post
#7
|
|
 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 1,384 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 37,337 |
oh i see she changed it lmao i had no idea wat rearview was talking about in his first post
wow great poem the emotional value is overwhelming  QUOTE Gasping for bittersweet oxygen, I uncontrollably choke yeh i relli liked that line for some reason  QUOTE My soul slowly escapes my corpse as I fall to the floor shudn't ur soul escape ur corpse AFTER u've fallen? lol sry |
|
|
|
|
Sep 7 2004, 07:58 AM
Post
#8
|
|
|
Brie Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 10,172 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 20,548 |
Wheee!
That's a good poem, Kathleen. I like it a lot! Great job. :D |
|
|
|
| *Kathleen* |
Sep 7 2004, 06:08 PM
Post
#9
|
|
Guest |
QUOTE shudn't ur soul escape ur corpse AFTER u've fallen? lol sry Uhh...I don't know...it left, and that's why...my body fell?  Haha yeah...I meant succumb. I'm such a dumb butt. 
|
|
|
|
|
Sep 7 2004, 06:10 PM
Post
#10
|
|
 Dark Lord of McCandless Group: Member Posts: 2,226 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,761 |
QUOTE(F1R3B4T @ Sep 6 2004, 4:08 AM) shudn't ur soul escape ur corpse AFTER u've fallen? lol sry You could be dead before you hit the floor. |
|
|
|
|
Sep 7 2004, 06:11 PM
Post
#11
|
|
 What the fack. Group: Official Member Posts: 6,164 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 8,519 |
Oh my gawd, Kathleen. You've got some major talent. Enter your poems at poetry[dot]com, they have some cool contests you'd easily win! I lyke what you wrote about, the internal conflict. I can relate.
|
|
|
|
|
Sep 7 2004, 06:37 PM
Post
#12
|
|
|
The voices talk too much... -.-u Group: Member Posts: 2,099 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 39,078 |
I won a contest at poetry[dot]com
Now they won't leave me alone 'cause I won't respond to the shiz they send me.... ^_^u I hate poetry contests....... (If you were dying as you hit the floor, your soul could theoretically escape before you hit it. Not that I make sense when I say that tho.) |
|
|
|
|
Sep 8 2004, 07:41 PM
Post
#13
|
|
 Kermit the frog = <3 Group: Member Posts: 2,315 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 15,215 |
QUOTE(C.Lime.Jello. @ Sep 7 2004, 6:37 PM) This verse doesn't fit your beat. Switch the second verse with the third one and add a fourth one. ^_^ ( gosh, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? anyway, *applause. that's lovely kathleen |
|
|
|
| *Kathleen* |
Sep 9 2004, 07:13 PM
Post
#14
|
|
Guest |
Haha aww thanks, you guys.
 I've thought of entering poetry online or something...I never got around to doing it.  Edit // Yeah, thanks for the suggestion, but I kind of intended it to be somewhat of a free verse poem...but with rhyme...I'm odd like that. |
|
|
|
| *CrackedRearView* |
Sep 11 2004, 12:50 AM
Post
#15
|
|
Guest |
QUOTE(Kathleen @ Sep 9 2004, 6:13 PM) ...I'm odd like that. Not a problem
|
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members: