the story of my first love, ...why can't i get over him? Options

[*mishyerr*]

i guess i've been holding this in for too long. but i just want to restard in a new place where people dont know me. i just want to hear your advice off my side of the story.. i dont know if this is the right site to post this.. but i dont know anyone here. so if you want to read it and reply.. go ahead. =) *warning* its really long. lol

*please dont comment on my XANGA about this =) hehe
*and if you do know me.. lol. dont mention it to the guy


kay, well my name is michelle and i am gonna be in my HS freshman year.

i met him in my 7th grade year, on august 18, 2002. he was a totallly cutie-pie! i saw him while waiting outside for his ride, so i approached him, and asked to play with his cellphone. -.~ (btw his name is darren) he let me play a game on it. and than his ride got there. the next day, i saw him again, so i asked him if he was in 8th grade.. (he was way taller.. so i thought he'd be older) he said he was in 6th! i was like "did you fail?" and he flashed me his smile. at first.. that smile meant nothing. but than a friend told me that darren never smiles. that smile meant everything to me. it made me feel like i was special... gradually i started stalking him. >.< haha. well i found his screen name and talked to him online. i noticed that in person he was VERYYY shy. he barely talked and online he was the "perfect" guy. always said the right and funny and sweet things. which was weird. i guess i fell for his online personality... i devoted basically my life to him. i wrote poems to him and letters. i would cry myself to sleep at night cus he always gave me different signs. to add onto that, he was the hottest guy in his grade.. so i had a lot of girl haters who tried to make my life horrible (later on i became cool with all of them) i was so into him. i mean maybe at first it wasnt love. but i tried so hard. it was so hard for me.. because of all the obstacles. for valentine's day i gave him VERY SEXY FOR HIM cologne by victoria's secret. i wrote him a letter with it.. but i dont remember what it said. i also bought him a carnation. =) but than again.. like 30 other girls bought him one too. lol. i asked him like 2000000 times.. he always said "idno" but he told me liked me. but than a lot of other girls were like "no, he likes so and so!" so i was confused.. but finally one day he said yes.. on March 14, 2003. i was on clouds. but one night. my friend yelled at me and said he's a terrible boyfriend and i should know better and that he shouldve asked me out. so i told him that stuff.. and i said, "if you realy like me than it should be you asking me out." so that night on March 30, 2003 he asked me out. going out was.. a sad expierience. i got into cutting myself, depression, and rebellion against my parents. he wasnt there for me.. he didnt talk to me. but i remember once when i had stomach cramps.. he put his arms around me and walked me to class. (wow i sound like a dork, cus most boyfriends would treat his girl like that EVERYDAY) but it was special to me. i call it the "blue sweater day" he doesnt remember though. finally i got tired of him not talking to me, him not writing back notes to me, him not doing anything for me, and just ME doing stuff for him. i dumped him on Octber 25,2003. i regret it so much everyday now. but.. i guess it was what my mind told me to do. later on, i fell for my best friend joe. and we went out November 11, 2001. during that time, one of darren's and my friend (he helped hook darren and i up) talked to me about darren being confused on why i dumped him. so i wrote darren a letter explaining to him everything. i also gave him diary entries i wrote about him. he told me later that his confusion was cleared and he gave me a letter.. a sorry list.. i read it during lunch and i started crying. it was so sad and yet touching. it said he was sorry for so many things.. like things i did for him.. and just a lot of personal stuff. i realized at that time that i still had not gotten over him. so i dumped joe in January.. not wanting to have any strings attached to previous guys. i told darren the truth.. and i said i wouldnt date anyone until i get over him. lol. i thought i was when i went out with joe again on April 21, 2004. and we were doing great! (probaly cus school was over and i never saw darren in the summer).. well he happened to show up at my church camp.. and i had all these strong feelings all over again. and to add onto that i was on a spiritual high (im a christian.. a spiritual high is where you get all Godly and.... pious) so i was like, 'no boyfriends til u get closer to God' to myself. lol. so i dumped joe.. and got completely over him. and i met this other guy named tony. (wow i sound like such a whore..) and i am cURRENTLY going out wit him. i like tony a lot!! =) a lot a lot.. but its not going to last. he has gone out with.. 7 other girls.. and i dont think he wants to last anyways. but anyways. the feelings for darren feel like they're not even a feeling. its like they're an emotion. its so .. different from anything ive ever felt. if anybody knew me.. they would know that i never get jealous. but the only time i've ever gotten jealous is when another girl is with darren. idno.. what to do..

so someone.. please reply? i can explain more to you just AIM me or something if u have questions.. =) thanks

-mishy