I hate when my parents fight Options

[emberfly]

My mother has talked to us (kids + husband) about a divorce since I was about 8 or so.

I just can't stand when they fight. It makes me feel so horrible. I can't stand my father 80% of the time, but I would just hate to lose him. I do not want a divorce.





I am writing this because my father was insulting my mother in front of her + us kids while we were trying to do a family project. It ended a few minutes ago. He was belittling her and just being totally awful.

I couldn't stand it.

Is there anything I can do? I do NOT want a divorce.

[brooklyneast05]

yeah, you can get over not wanting a divorce and want what is going to make your mom better off.

[emberfly]

You think a divorce is better off? She wouldn't have put up with him for SO LONG if she wanted a divorce. She keeps telling me that men mellow out as they get older because their bodies stop making as much testosterone.

She WANTS TO STAY MARRIED. She doesn't want to be alone when she's old.

[kryogenix]

Sounds like a man's man.

[libertie]

Being someone who has experienced something like this twice (skimping on the details, heh).. If your parents still love each other, there's a good chance that through counseling and work on both parts they can make it work. But both people have to want it to happen, and you can't make someone WANT to stay in a relationship.

You might talk to your mom and ask her if she'd be willing to seek outside help, but don't push it.. You have to consider that if she wants a divorce, it might be best for HER, and it might be best for you guys as well. You have to keep in mind that just because they split up, you aren't LOSING a parent. Sure, it affects your family, but your father is still there. Not to sound rude, because I honestly don't mean this to be offensive, but saying that this is something YOU don't want is a little selfish - try to consider your parents' feelings as well.

I would love to give you positive advice on how to help them stay together, but honestly sometimes as a son or daughter there's nothing you can do but support them. It sounds like they'll need it, no matter what happens to their marriage. Just let them know you love them both.

[emberfly]

I realize that this sounds selfish, but I just KNOW my mother would be happier staying together. The chances are extremely slim that she will find anyone to replace him (because she just won't be mentally ready and she's middle-aged........ dating works better for the younger crowd).

He definitely seems like he isn't interested in staying together. Honestly, it just seems like he feels like he HAS to. If us kids moved away and got our own families + they had a fight again, I think he would leave her.

My mother's parents got divorced and so did my father's parents. My grandfather was divorced twice. Knowing that, it would probably make it easier on him to do so.

[superstitious]

You think a divorce is better off? She wouldn't have put up with him for SO LONG if she wanted a divorce. She keeps telling me that men mellow out as they get older because their bodies stop making as much testosterone.

She WANTS TO STAY MARRIED. She doesn't want to be alone when she's old.

Just because someone gets divorced, doesn't mean that they will end up "alone." Trust me when I say that sometimes kids are far better off when parents separate than when parents make everyone in the household miserable because of some socially mandated need to keep it together. It's bullshit. I'm sorry, but it's bullshit. Wouldn't you rather some adjustment time than have years of fighting, yelling and awkward moments?

It sucks that it isn't working out with the parents, truly, it sucks and I'm so sorry that it's happening. That being said, you need to remember that when your folks are happy, you have a better chance of being happy and it appears that the only way that will occur is through separation. You'll get past it and it will be much better than the emotional and psychological purgatory the household, in general, is probably in right now.

edit: Also, don't be so quick to determine "middle age" and relationship dynamics. You'd be surprised what us 30 somethings are capable of, how quickly we can heal and move on. And yes, have active sex lives and find companionship.

[brooklyneast05]

I realize that this sounds selfish, but I just KNOW my mother would be happier staying together. The chances are extremely slim that she will find anyone to replace him (because she just won't be mentally ready and she's middle-aged........ dating works better for the younger crowd).

you really think your mother would be happier staying married and belittled than she would if she were alone without someone yelling at her?

[emberfly]

He just came and "apologized" to me (it felt like he was only doing it because he thought he HAD to), still insulting her indirectly. This man is such a bastard.

[emberfly]

you really think your mother would be happier staying married and belittled than she would if she were alone without someone yelling at her?

I have no idea. I need to go talk t her.

[superstitious]

He just came and "apologized" to me (it felt like he was only doing it because he thought he HAD to), still insulting her indirectly. This man is such a bastard.

Yet you think she'll be happier with him ultimately. :(

[libertie]

I realize that this sounds selfish, but I just KNOW my mother would be happier staying together.

That sounds like a hunch.. =\ No one knows what she wants better than her, and if she says she wants a divorce then you really have no choice but to believe her. And if your dad really doesn't want to be with her, then how can you expect her to stay? I can't imagine the pain involved with loving someone who doesn't love me back enough to WANT to stick around. Staying out of obligation is a terrible thing.

Being "alone" or unmarried isn't always a bad thing, but if she wants to find someone, she will. Have faith, plenty of people still date past their 30s and 40s.

[Maccabee]

I think divorcing is a terrible choice. Do your parents want to make it work? Your parents vowed to stick together until death do them part. Are either of them dead? I think not.

I realize that this sounds selfish, but I just KNOW my mother would be happier staying together. The chances are extremely slim that she will find anyone to replace him (because she just won't be mentally ready and she's middle-aged........ dating works better for the younger crowd).

Thats not true. People of every age date. My 80 year old grandma found a boyfriend through online dating after she was widowed. And my moms granddad has had a girlfriend for like 3 years since he was widowed. Its what is keeping him alive.

[emberfly]

That whole vow thing is bullshit.

[Maccabee]

10 percent of people that say they are christians actually are.

And my percentages are right 97 percent of the time and I dont know 4 percent of the time.

[-DressYourEyelid...]

this should have probably been placed in relationships.

in the end it is not your decision. only they can choose to work it out or move on. it's their life and their happiness. it's unfortunate that the marriage has hit a rough spot... it's too bad you have to be affected... but shit happens. life will continue on despite this.

[emberfly]

Idk. the more responses I get, the more I realize that my mother is miserable.

This makes me depressed.

[hypnotique]

Just because someone gets divorced, doesn't mean that they will end up "alone." Trust me when I say that sometimes kids are far better off when parents separate than when parents make everyone in the household miserable because of some socially mandated need to keep it together. It's bullshit. I'm sorry, but it's bullshit. Wouldn't you rather some adjustment time than have years of fighting, yelling and awkward moments?

It sucks that it isn't working out with the parents, truly, it sucks and I'm so sorry that it's happening. That being said, you need to remember that when your folks are happy, you have a better chance of being happy and it appears that the only way that will occur is through separation. You'll get past it and it will be much better than the emotional and psychological purgatory the household, in general, is probably in right now.

edit: Also, don't be so quick to determine "middle age" and relationship dynamics. You'd be surprised what us 30 somethings are capable of, how quickly we can heal and move on. And yes, have active sex lives and find companionship.

I agree.

My mother is 39 and she has a pretty decent dating life LOL

[sixfive]

THROW SOME DS ON THAT BITCH

[datass]

man, when i was younger i had the same fear that my parents will divorce. it makes me feel so helpless cuz i had no idea what i could do to save their marriage. somehow they worked it out, and now they flirt. it's kinda really gross to watch your parents flirt but its so much better than fight.

i remember though, my sister and i actually sat down with our parents, and we had a talk. we (sister and i) told them how scared we are and etc. don't know if that helped their marriage but it did make us feel better.

[sixfive]

i hope you're scarred for life

[Reidar]

I must have been a sick* child because I liked it when my parents fought. When I was 5 my mom brandished a butcher knife at my dad and threatened to stick it in his back during the heat of some argument and I felt proud that I was the only one out of my siblings who never cried during any of it.

*i.e. awesome.

[fire]

I hate it when my dog fights, in a cage, with another dog, and I bet on it.

[none345678]

smother them both while they are sleeping

[GirlAraid]

I hate it when my dog fights, in a cage, with another dog, and I bet on it.

lulz