Depression Kills??, My First writing piece...it needs work |
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 Jul 3 2004, 02:05 AM
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#1
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 S*q*U*e*E*G*i*E  Group: Member Posts: 157 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 27,243  |
THIS NEEDS ALLLOOOT OF WORK
but i wrote it for a band i know and it will be one of their songs when im done iwth it some of the lines should be edited i know but can you please help me with some suggestions?? thnx lol oops for got to put it in.... look below |
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Jul 3 2004, 02:42 PM
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#2
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S*q*U*e*E*G*i*E Group: Member Posts: 157 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 27,243 |
Depression Kills
By: Devin Galloway I'm going to shout out in pain You always make me feel in vane Why do you do this to me so Im going rest on the pillow I just feel like dieing cause trying to get you is like flying You're making me want to slit my wrists But I can't as long as you exist I'm srry for all I've ever done All I feel is like i should be gone But I know I cannot go Cause it just does not flow Strung out, Cut up The voices wont shutup |
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Jul 4 2004, 03:36 PM
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#3
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 hi, my name is brianna! =] Group: Official Member Posts: 5,764 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 22,114 |
ooh nice poem. i put a star on the lines that don't sound right to me. sorry if im not much help..
 Depression Kills By: Devin Galloway I'm going to shout out in pain You always make me feel in vane Why do you do this to me so *Im going rest on the pillow (diff word other then pillow? maybe) I just feel like dieing *cause trying to get you is like flying (doesn't really make sense. maybe like cause getting you is like trying to fly? uhh..nvm about that line haha, im bad at poetry) You're making me want to slit my wrists But I can't as long as you exist I'm srry for all I've ever done All I feel is like i should be gone But I know I cannot go *Cause it just does not flow (umm...does not flow? maybe diff. line?) Strung out, Cut up The voices wont shutup anyway, nice poem! (is it a poem? ) 
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Jul 5 2004, 05:04 PM
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#4
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S*q*U*e*E*G*i*E Group: Member Posts: 157 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 27,243 |
thats waht i thought...but i need suggestions
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Jul 7 2004, 01:55 AM
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#5
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 i'm susan Group: Official Member Posts: 13,875 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 5,029 |
u did a wonderful job! but were u in a depression mood that time? ur feelings sounded like u loved someone so much but u lost her... so u just wana die and dont wake up, right? sad poem, but nice poem!
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Jul 7 2004, 02:44 AM
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#6
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 Look its... Group: Official Member Posts: 5,817 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 4,767 |
oh i loveit. i feel it. i can conenct with the poem cuz thats how i feel for this one boy.
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Jul 7 2004, 02:45 AM
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#7
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Look its... Group: Official Member Posts: 5,817 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 4,767 |
oh i loveit. i feel it. i can conenct with the poem cuz thats how i feel for this one boy.
------- so sorry for the double post. i didnt know my post got posted This post has been edited by LatinaLady96: Jul 7 2004, 02:46 AM |
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Jul 7 2004, 01:47 PM
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#8
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S*q*U*e*E*G*i*E Group: Member Posts: 157 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 27,243 |
thnx everyone and i did feel everything that anqel_r0h said...thnx
suggestiosn anyone? |
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Jul 7 2004, 03:34 PM
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#9
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 271 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 19,766 |
QUOTE(sweetxsimplicity @ Jul 4 2004, 3:36 PM) ooh nice poem. i put a star on the lines that don't sound right to me. sorry if im not much help.. Depression Kills By: Devin Galloway I'm going to shout out in pain You always make me feel in vane Why do you do this to me so *Im going rest on the pillow (diff word other then pillow? maybe) I just feel like dieing *cause trying to get you is like flying (doesn't really make sense. maybe like cause getting you is like trying to fly? uhh..nvm about that line haha, im bad at poetry) You're making me want to slit my wrists But I can't as long as you exist I'm srry for all I've ever done All I feel is like i should be gone But I know I cannot go *Cause it just does not flow (umm...does not flow? maybe diff. line?) Strung out, Cut up The voices wont shutup anyway, nice poem! (is it a poem? ) same. the pillow line doesnt fit in the poem. haha
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