a letter.., to him. Options

[iiTsDAYNA]

There are a thousand thoughts running through my mind .
A million things I wish I could only say to you. But not one could be anywhere close to explain why I did this to you. Or why I did this to myself?

I lied to myself..to you..to everyone when I said I didn't want to be with you. If I truly didnt want to be with you WHY do I still think about you? Why do I wish I had done things differently?
The truth is; what we had is what I had searched for day after day. Constantly beating myself up for not having it. What we had was all I EVER wanted. When I finally found it I threw it away like I never wanted it in the first place. Now nothing I can say or do can change anything. Every word that is in this letter is meaningles to you.. and it hurts so bad because these words that mean E V E R Y T H I N G to me, mean nothing to you.

Remember that one night I drove out to the cotton gin to talk to you? I remember it so clearly, because that's the night I had every intention of telling you I made a mistake. I should have said all the things,
that I kept inside of me.. but I was too afraid to. Fear of rejection I guess. I made EVERYTHING up about liking someone else..

The real reason as to why I broke up with you is a mystery. I was afraid of what was going on in my life. You are my first and all the feelings were so crazy. You have to understand.

I'm not going to lie. I love you. I haven't stopped loving you since the day I told you I did. You told me you loved me that night at porters. How could you mean it, and drop someone that quickly?

They say love makes you do some crazy things, and I have done some crazy things. I've been so far as to trying to break you and her up... its a selfish thing to have tried, i admit. I hated Heather for doing it, and here I am.. doing it to you.. and I am truly sorry for it.
Your angry at me for doing it, and its apparant.. You've been telling me to leave you alone, and to never talk to you again. I'm sorry, but no matter how hard I try.. I cant just drop you like you did me after I broke up with you.

Its a little too late now to be telling you this, you've moved on and so you say, "happy"..

I can finally say the things I have been holding inside me.. the things that I needed to say but couldn't come out and say them. I'm sorry for everything i've done to you, your a great guy and you dont deserve ANYTHING i've put you through. Hopefully one day you can forgive me.

Thank you.

Sincerely Yours,
Dayna