oh god oh god oh god, i'm desperate for help. Options

[rejakalu]

Okay, this is kinda a long story. Kinda not. I just get into too many details whilst telling stories. I can't help it.

italics - not crucial. you can skip it. i just really need advice.

So I'm a freshman in high school. In first quarter, my very first class was Physical Science. There was this one kid who ran out of class one day before our teacher handed out our assignments, and the next day he was like, "huh?" when the teacher asked for our assignments. So I thought he was lame and unintelligent. So that's how I recognized him when he added me on MySpace. His display name was[is] Butters, so I was like, "hah... South Park, nice.." and I accepted him. So just out of randomness, I went to go see his profile, 'cause that's just what I do when I add someone. And he had this awfully pwnsome layout with sheet music as the background. At this point, I still didn't even know his name. But I decided to comment him telling him that his layout was cool. So I did.

Apparently, the Charmander t-shirt I'd worn the day before stuck out, and we started talking rapidly about pokemon... and insomnia, and reading, and just a shitload of stuff. We just started posting these HUGEUNGO comments on each other's spaces, over the duration of like one night. And so then, blah blah blah, basically, he started hanging out in our friend circle. So around the middleish/endish of first quarter, I peeked at his [psst. his name is Mark] top friends, 'cause they're hidden, and I wanted to see where I was, and I was second. So I posted a bulletin saying something like, "top friends don't really matter, but when you find out that you're 2nd on someone's top, and they secretly mean a lot to you." and he responded saying, "you're second on mine. feel special." and i said, "actually, that bulletin was referring to you."


BLAHBLAHBLAH. Long story short. We kinda had a thing, even though we never "officially" went out. Blah. And then I got uncomfortable and was like, "no." And then blah. Problems. And then we were still like BFFL and in 2nd quarter we had almost the same exact schedule, so we spent like the entire day together every day, and then we'd go home and talk online for like 3-5 hours. And even have shower races, which he always won. And we'd share like every thought. And I even told him my one secret that I'd kept for like five years and never told anyone and it was SO liberating. He's the closest I've ever gotten to a guy, and I kept on like, thinking I liked him, and then thinking no. And back and forth. And it was this big huge thing.

And then I all of a sudden got really annoying, and I don't know why. But I think I was pissing him off, but I was definitely pissing me off. 'Cause I was getting awkwardly outgoing with him and stuff. And it was like UGH. So after Christmas break, we kinda stopped talking as much, and then I got really sick for the first three weeks back, so I was really stressed out with homework, and then at the beginning of 3rd quarter [i stopped having classes with mark] I got super depressed 'cause of this stupid shit with some guys who were being retarded and basically, my self esteem dropped COMPLETELY. until like a week ago. But yeah, so that resulted in my like, inability to converse correctly with just about anyone. And I started trying to talk to Mark on AIM, and like, all I could say was like "lairhes. napples." and stuff, and he was just like, "okay, whatever." [At this point, he doesn't like me like that anymore.]

Blah. And now, I have a crush on this kid named Zach. But like, everytime Mark talks about some other girl he likes or thinks is pretty I get like, insanely jealous. And I know I at least love him as a person. But romantically? It seems the less I'm around him the more I want him, and the more I'm around him, the less I want him.

So I don't know if it's just the like, "want what you can't/dont' have." type of thing, or if it's something honest.


Me and him are kinda talking on AIM right now. It goes on and off. I'm like, desperate for topics. According to him, "we just don't have anythign to talk about anymore." and inside I'm just like NONONOI'LLFINDSOMETHINGFINDSOMETHING!! And it's like. I'm starved for him.



So I have no idea what the hell to do. -deflates-