Is it wrong to make your best friend your boyfriend?, opinions&feedback welcome Options

[imperfectionistx]

I always was told that your significant other should BECOME your best friend.
So is it wrong to make your best friend into your boyfriend/girlfriend?
I just ended a 2 year relationship (that was full of problems) about 4 months ago.
Also, 4 months ago, I started a relationship with my best friend at the time.
He was always there for me when I was having problems with my bad relationship, and he was very compassionate and caring. He seemed like the kind of boy that I always wanted to be with. So I figured, what the heck, I'll try it with him (I found out he liked me). That was about the happiest we ever got.

From the first week or so, there were problems. It would be too extensive to go into detail, but there were PROBLEMS. The sweet, generous, and fun person I once knew was no more. He became possesive, paranoid, accusatory, and controlling, among other things. I guess you could attribute this to the fact that his relationship prior to ours lasted 5 years with a girl with no spine (not literally). She did EVERYTHING he wanted AND MORE for those 5 years, as he bossed her around and did not treat her very well. This was all very difficult for me to comprehend, as all I knew from what he told me was that he hated her and SHE made HIS life miserable. Now I found out that he feels guilty about the way he treated her and wants to try to be her friend (I think he still has feelings for her, I mean, 5 years is a mighty long time especially in critical years-- from when he was 12 until 18). I'd think that after living like that for so long, you're not gonna change for anyone after that. Sadly, being spoiled like that is the only way he knows how to live now.

But that's not the point. I'm disappointed in what happened. I don't know if it's my fault or not that we fell apart (he says it is). He blamed a lot of things on me and I assume it's only because I could not meet his expectations as the perfect girlfriend like the girl before me. He says he wishes he never met me, and I ruined his life. It's so hard for me because at one point, he WAS my best friend. He never judged me, was always there for me, defended me, gave me advice, and offered a shoulder to cry on. He told me he could make me happy. He promised me a lot of things, and I believed him. In the relationship I had before this one, I was just like his ex-- submissive and spineless. I got walked all over. He said he understood this and he would never treat me that way. But he did (he won't admit to it). And now, he doesn't want anything to do with me. He says he will find someone, I will be miserable and alone because of the way I am (I have learned not to be AS submissive as I once was, and he doesnt like this apparently; the fact that I won't bend over backwards to make him satisfied-- in ridiculous ways...but I need not elaborate), and he is going to assist in making my life a living hell-- this is coming from my one time "best friend".

So I'm wondering-- is this MY fault? Was I wrong to make him into more than just a friend? If anyone has had a similar situation: do you think that person could ever change? Or is it just better to try and forget about it? Should I have just bended to his will? Would you have done the same or different if a guy (or girl) --that was once your best friend-- treated you that way while you were with them? He might come back and say he's sorry-- he does that a lot (but it isn't the same for me, like the things he does that bother me-- I cannot get mad at him for it. But if I do the SAME thing, HE gets very upset with me). Should I take him back?

I'm very hurt & still hung up over everything. It's so hard to comprehend how something that seemed so promising could end up this way. I figured I could seek advice from here because unfortunately I am not close to any of my friends anymore because my newly "ex boyfriend" prevented me from being with them (or anyone else including my family for that matter) on account of "I might cheat on him." Any feedback will be appreciated.

xx

[MissHygienic]

What the hell is this? No, you don't take an a-hole back. His type of behavior is wrong, and it's going to bite him in the ass later on when he finally grows the hell up and realizes that girls are not objects in his control. From the sounds of it, I don't like him at all, and I wouldn't put up with it if I were you.

I don't understand why you'd blame yourself for this situation, for making him more than just a friend. It was a poor decision, but I hope you learn from it and realize that no guy should treat you in such a way. If you're not feeling good about yourself and being all wishy-washy, you will be treated like that.

And you need to get your act together, too, and stop softening up to him just because he's your "best friend." I wouldn't forgive anyone, not even my "best friend" if he/she treated me like that. Some boys are only good as friends and not as a boyfriend. That's life.

[imperfectionistx]

Thanks for the advice, I guess that's what I was trying to do in regards to my first bad relationship. I stopped trying as hard for someone who wasn't going to try for me, stopped doing as much, stopped taking blame and taking excuses from him and started really defending myself against my "best friend" because that's what I never got to do in my relationship prior to this one. I thought that was the right thing to do, but I guess I just ended up reverting back to how I was before-- nonresisting & submissive. It's too bad... he WOULD have been better off as just a friend. But at this rate, I doubt even that will happen. Well, life goes on...

[jayybee]

yeah i`m going to have to agree with misshygenic he's an a-hole and you should'nt feel bad or feel like you should compromise yourself to fit his needs. i mean he really did pull a dr.jeckl and mr. hyde on you. but you took a chance and now you just figured out who your true friends are and that's the upside. think of it as a guiding light.there are other guys and just like misshygenic stated don`t feel bad chica. in no way os this your fault.

[imperfectionistx]

Thanks for the feedback. I guess he really isn't who I thought he was.
Hmm.
I guess...
sometimes giving up is easier than giving in.

[Becks539]

Well first off he sounds like an a-hole and after saying all that stuff to you...why do YOU want anything to do with HIM?

My boyfriend is my best friend. I've dated guys previously...my most recent ex, we were reallyy good friends before we dated and now I haven't talked to him in about 8 months...maybe more.

I don't think you should blame yourself and be all "oh it's my fault because I dated my best friend" because a lot of relationships like that can work out and I don't think people should not take a chance at those kinds of relationships. Plus a relationship is a mutual decision so if it's your fault, it's his too.

It sounds like he needs to grow up a tad. Don't take him back, if you weren't happy in the relationship and it sounds like it didn't last very long, a second time would just be more stressful because you're going to be so stressed out and try to be perfect for him.

He could change, once he gets over everything but I wouldn't count on it. I say move on and hang out with some of your other friends.

[jayybee]

see! that's its gurlie! just look at it as a blessing in disguise. god's way of letting you know that that guy wasn't someone who was gonna influence your life for the better. take care! & remember everything happens for a reason.

[imperfectionistx]

Well first off he sounds like an a-hole and after saying all that stuff to you...why do YOU want anything to do with HIM?

My boyfriend is my best friend. I've dated guys previously...my most recent ex, we were reallyy good friends before we dated and now I haven't talked to him in about 8 months...maybe more.

I don't think you should blame yourself and be all "oh it's my fault because I dated my best friend" because a lot of relationships like that can work out and I don't think people should not take a chance at those kinds of relationships. Plus a relationship is a mutual decision so if it's your fault, it's his too.

It sounds like he needs to grow up a tad. Don't take him back, if you weren't happy in the relationship and it sounds like it didn't last very long, a second time would just be more stressful because you're going to be so stressed out and try to be perfect for him.

He could change, once he gets over everything but I wouldn't count on it. I say move on and hang out with some of your other friends.

Sadly I seem to have a "thing" for jerks.
It's that kind of feeling...
"How can you love someone, but not be happy when you're with them?"
It reminds me of my previous relationship, but unfortunate to say, certain aspects of it are much worse-- something I NEVER thought I'd have to admit. You're lucky to have found a best friend in your boyfriend (or vice versa). Not as easy for me :(

[Joss-eh-lime]

nahh he seems wrong.
and like he shouldn't have even been your friend in the first place

[imperfectionistx]

Sadly, he was, lol.

[imperfectionistx]

see! that's its gurlie! just look at it as a blessing in disguise. god's way of letting you know that that guy wasn't someone who was gonna influence your life for the better. take care! & remember everything happens for a reason.

Thanks.
I love that quote.
Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes things fall apart for other things to fall into place...

[jayybee]

that's right girl. don`t let this get you down. no guy is worth sacrificing you happiness.

[Castaway]

he obviously has major trust issues. It'll never go away just like that.. hopefully for him, it'll go away over time.

don't get back with him.

[imperfectionistx]

Major trust issues for no reason.
Even when were are "not together"
He still tries to control what I do.
It's hard, no he keeps telling me he's sorry.

[ReggieM]

way to long. and i read it...

[YaGurlSukedMe2SL...]

just bang em, ya no, a test drive

[honestly-mistake...]

what kind of boyfriend takes you away from people that love you b/c he thinks you might cheat...he is shallow & you deserve much better

in this relationship theres is no you there's only what him & whathe wants

get rid of him..it'll do you no good thinking what if..and you'll be hurting yourself by thinking..was it my fault

you can't change the past..what done is done

think of it as an opportunity to grow and see that not all guys are what they portray..

i sound like my mom but im glad you caught on...good luck!! there are good guys you kno

[imperfectionistx]

Thanks for the advice (:
My mom tells me the same, lol.

[SimplicityGirl]

I don't think he's treating you right. Get out of the relationship before it gets too serious--from what you've described (him being controlling and whatnot), he sounds like the type of guy that could and would get violent and aggressive towards a girlfriend. It's not your fault--it's HIS problem, not yours.

And no, I don't think it has anything to do with the fact you guys were best friend before you took it to a new level. My boyfriend was a VERY close friend (arguably, a best friend) of mine before we became a couple. We've been together for a over a year now, and he's treating me right--he's still as sweet and as caring as he was before we went out. So no, dating a friend doesn't constitute into a sudden change in behaviour. Remember, its HIM, not you that has a problem.