There's this one little thing ..., that I've never said out loud Options

[KRASiA]

All night I've been thinking of something, and after two hours of trying to get it out of my head and go to sleep I made a sudden decision to let it out. His name is Jason.

I've maybe mentioned him once or twice to my closest friends, but I was so vague about it they simply gave me a strange look and brushed it aside. I can't blame them. It's a feeling I want to scream out to someone and at the same time I don't want anyone to know. Which is why I'm using the anonymity of CreateBlog to ease both these emotions. I'll explain as best as I can, but the best summary is a song I once heard that has become one of my favorite.

像一陣細雨灑落我心底,
like a light rain scattered over my heart,
那感覺如此神秘.
it's a curious feeling.
我不禁抬起頭看著你，
i can't help but lift my head to look at you,
而你並不露痕跡。
even though you don't notice.
雖然不言不語，
i am left speechless,
叫人難忘記。
i'll never forget.
那是你的眼神，
your eyes,
明亮又美麗。
bright and beautiful.
啊，友情天地
only the earth and skies know,
我滿心歡喜。
and my heart is filled with happiness.

Even though the translations don't translate the emotions of this song as well as I'd like it to, I think it is a very beautiful song that has never failed to make me cry and smile at the same time.

The first time I saw him was around 3 years ago. I stared at him for a minute or so before I came back to my senses and let out a breath which I didn't even realize I was holding. I don't particularly know why my eyes were drawn to him out of all the people milling around in the same area. He isn't good-looking by my usual standards, yet the more I look at him the more beautiful he seems (if that makes any sense). The shape of his face, the way he walked... being the writer I am for some reason it is difficult to describe. I don't profess to know everything about him. In fact, I've never spoken to expect for maybe a small "hi" that one time I was thinking and didn't mean to say out loud. He could be a jackass for all I know and I'm not naive enough to assume he's perfect and wonderful. But my stupid heart doesn't get the message to stop skipping a beat or two every time I walk by him.

Well any-hoo ever since then I began seeing him around more often: on the way to class, or my directly after 5th mod bathroom run. Until one day I came upon the realization that my schedule has never changed. Meaning, the classes that I see him in, the time when I go to the bathroom, has never changed before or after he struck some sort of chord in me. Which also meant that I'd actually seen him every single day since the school year started, and hadn't noticed until that one moment a few weeks earlier. I think I almost decided to go to the bathroom after 4th mod instead, so I wouldn't mind-blank and stop breathing every time I was in the middle of opening the ladie's room door and he comes walking by.

As I said before, it's been three years since and for some reason I would very much like to know, I haven't been able to get him out of my head. I don't see him around as often, sometimes only once in 6 months, or every Saturday because we both attend the same social activities. No matter how many relationships I've had, when the red numbers of my alarm clock turn from 3:00 to 3:01 and I still haven't fallen asleep, it's because I'm thinking of him. Of Jason, of how everything about him seems just right. Thinking of why someone I've never said a word to has an effect on me I have no control over. It bothers me a lot, but the wonder and curiosity that strikes me every time I happen to see him prevents me from trying to abolish it all together.

Ahh that was long. Thank you to whoever bothered reading it, I just needed to know that someone out there knows what I'm feeling.