Eddie Izzard, anyone a fan? Options

[awakeaftermidnig...]

I adore him!


"I claim India for Britain!"
They go, "You can't claim us, we live here! 500 million of us!"
"Do you have a flag?"
"We don't need a bloody flag! It's our country, you bastards!"
"No flag, no country, you can't have one! That's the rules that I've just made up, and I'm backing it up with this gun that was lent from the National Rifle Association."



"Cake or death?"
"Eh, cake please."
"Very well! Give him cake!"
"Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice."
"You! Cake or death?"
“Uh, cake for me, too, please."
"Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?"
"Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..."
"You said death first, uh-uh, death first!"
"Well, I meant cake!"
"Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?"
"Uh, cake please."
"Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush. So what do you want?"
"Well, so my choice is 'or death’? I’ll have the chicken then, please.
“Taste of human, sir. Would you like a white wine? There you go, thank you very much.”
“ Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?"
“I asked for the vegetarian."
"Ah, yes, the vegetarian, yes! There we go, Mr. Hitler. There we go... Like a bit of wine? Thank you very much...you Nazi shithead!"


Also, if you're in a restaurant and you're choking to death, you can say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver." If you're just coughing and got some, you say, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. The trouble is, it's very difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death. Yeah.
( mumbling and coughing )
"Your hymen’s been removed?"
"No no. ( more mumbling and coughing )
"You need it removed? Right…"
I don't know how you remove a hymen... But yeah. No, Heimlich maneuver, developed by Dr. Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went,
"A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha... lobster! Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!"
"Oh, what is it, Dr. Heimlich?"
"Why are you calling me Dr. Heimlich? I'm you're husband, for f**k's sake! Loosen up, don't be so bloody Prussian."
"Well, what is it, Günther?"
"I have invented a maneuver!"
"What are you, a bloody tank commander now?"
"No! My name is going to be famous in restaurants!"