Dear cB Diary,, Createblog Diary no. 10 Options

[elayohjay]

dear cBd,
he by far, is the cutest thing ever :) he's so sweet. he says he loves me and that im his bay, but we're not even a couple. so basically all we're saying to each other is either i love you or i love you more. we needa talk more ! its kinda hard to do that when hes just too busy saying i love you or being cute . i just wanna get to know him and take things slow..

[iGio]

Dear cb

OK I need my phone to be back on asap!.I'm bored and now I became a phone user.Either that or my mom needs to get my cell phone back before I ask my dad to get me one.I am going nuts without kristina here.To top it off I've been playing fantastic 4 all day on my gc.It's fun but I wanna be outside.I'm getting slim,but still gotta lose all the baby fat.I need gel.My brother wants to move by his gf so that means we are moving to a REALLY REALLY non-diverse area.It's really only albanians and italians.And all the albanians by there I know and hate ever since 3rd grade,the whole point of me leaving that school was to get away from them not to be back with them.I dont wanna have to see ilir,sedje,bledy,besnik,all of those idiots.I mean OK they dont like my brother because they think he is black.We are part but hes just like dark-lightish brown.Secondly,wtf happens when they break up?!We're goign to stay there?I hate it over there and to top that off that means I have a big chance living by phoebe who I dont wanna live next to,and dominic too.And I will have to walk mad far to get back to where im currently living to see everyone.

Like I said to kristina.I dont wanna say goodbye to ___.Nor everyone on my block.I've been living here since i was 6.All the teens//adults now I grew up with them.They are like family in the most indirect way.I mean,I cant live with evelyn because there wont be enough space for me.I cant live with kristina for the same reason and I hate her block anyway.I could try living with my aunt delilah.She wont mind I bet.I mean I really love the fact that I am not going to be living with my mom but It's more trouble than freedom.I have to worry about managing work and school.And my brother wants 200$ a month.He said he wants it because of feeding me and cable.Ok?Um I barely eat first of all.Secondly im only going to be 16 and mcdonalds dont pay 200$.Nor will I ever try to work there.

I got alot to think about because it's going to be hard dealing with staying in lehman [not like my brother cares about grades].Finding a job and keeping it because I for one am very lazy.I mean If i would of taken that graphic designing job in the music industry working with the celebs.Im so stupid for turning that offer down.ugh that ticks me off.My mom was talking about me and my bro living together today with someone on the phone.Sounds like the person she was talking to wasnt for it.Maybe it was my aunt denise?Who knows.I mean they are building alot of new buildings you know,the cheap fredrich ones?Yeah.Those.We could always get one there.He also said hes not driving me to my friends house or driving them to our house.I wouldnt have asked him.And I drive better than him anyway.This makes me mad.Hes going to be a cop and hes getting on the force when hes 20.because he already passed the exam and blah.So he will probaly barely be home,i dont know too much about that stuff.And I will be out alot too.I got freedom finally and Ima take advantage of it.Im gonna use it.And Im a responsible teenager.Im an 80 avg student,i could be a 98 avg student if i wanted to but i dont need that publicity,i got enough of it already.I dont do drugs,I drink but not like that and i know how to handle my liquor.And I dont even think about buying booze or w/e when im out.I just worry about having fun walking around with my friends.

Why is it so tough though.So much to think about.I mean if i move with my mom,it will just be more fighting,on top of that her boyfriend and his bratty kids coming over and me baby sitting my sis more often like i used to.Then drama at a new school?!I am not all for that.Even if she is getting a nice pool and backyard house.And I would graduate when im a junior.So i'll be graduating with stephanie.But then shes leaving to the navy so i wont make it back to ny to say bye.And ___ is going to the air force </3.Damnnit!

Ok time to go power walk and talk on my brothers cell phone.

-Leon

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Gah, what an amazing weekend. First, Shawn & Amanda's wedding Friday, Saturday was 9 months with Larry and an amazing night, and today seeing some people at lunch today for Lyle's bday then Transformers! Sigh. Its finally, FINALLY summer.

[MrStrife]

Dear cB diary,

She was totally right. I wasn't owning up to what I've done in my moment of weakness. I had standards and goals but let them slip away. But like she said, "Shit happens. Move on." It just seems I can't accept the fact that it just wasn't what I expected at all, not special whatsoever. But I guess it is what it is. Plus, that isn't the only thing I'm not owning up to. Even if everybody else knows about it (which I'm sure is the case), it's still my dirty little secret. How can I possibly tell anybody what I did? Whatever. I'm only starting to regret what I've done and not actually felt the full force of regret. f**k it. Even with girls, I'm still only 2nd best. Hate that shit man. Like what, in girls' minds, I got the looks, smarts, and heart but that's not good enough to get me that number? I am worth so much more but why is it I haven't had a date for a whole month? I'm only human and I make mistakes but why is it I regret most of them? Shit, what am I going to do with my life?

[flutterby88]

today was a blast!! well i'll start with friday. last day of work, my team suprised me with two cakes and the sweetest card that everyone signed:). they all wished me good luck in my classes. so that made work a fun last day. then went out to dinner to say bye to C & C before they leave for europe. they're gonna have so much fun:). yesterday slept in till noon then went out with M and family for his dad's birthday. ate at white spot then back to his house for some alone time:). lol discovered a few things, glad i can make you feel good babe:P. then unfortunately couldn't make it to karaoke but it felt good to know i was so missed:). talked to S on msn till 2am anyway, and it was the usual fun chat. also had quite the fun chat with A. maybe i should really stop anticipating, and just wait and see what happens. but yeah, he's so sweet, i hope he finds someone good soon. and the note i left for M got a few comments saying how beautiful it was:). well i love him, what can i say? then today was a blast!!! lunch at jameson's for L's birthday. man, so many shots, i'm proud he took them all:P. had the first really fun time with S in a long time, maybe things are turning around now:). and man, it had been way too long since i've hung out with K, so random and so hilarious:P. but it was fun laughing so much today and being so hyper, i've had to be all mature lately cuz of work and stuff. wasn't really J or F's scene, but hey i had fun, and it's not my job to entertain them all the time. then K did my hair, makeup, and nails for my boat cruise. she did a beautiful job, i looked like a star:). had fun little chats too. then went to new west quay to load onto the boat. such a fun night:). that group is so hyper and... elementary-school-style-flirting. know what i mean? like when P totally had a crush on me and he'd tickle me and stuff, a lot more physical i guess. and it's fun, i let out a lot of little-kid energy that i don't get to with my usual group. the attention's fun too:). and then i started dancing and that just boggled everyone's mind cuz they don't really party like that. those guys were totally checking me out and i think R wanted to get me drunk:P. but they were all laughing at how much fun i was having and hey, i made it more fun for everyone else. it was really fun catching up with some of them and meeting K, she's so cool. shared dinner with S which was so cute, and showed him some dance moves:). i guess i can't hide the fact that i don't realize i'm good-looking now. it was easy to before, but now i'd be dumb not to believe it, not after all the attention i get:P. you win M, i believe you and you were right all along. i'm not complaining, but it can make things a little awkward at times. just as long as they don't touch or say too much. but anyway, just waiting for S to get home so we can have our usual msn chat. i wonder about her though...

[iGio]

Dear cb,

Ahhhhhh Transformers was so HOT!!!Who knew how hot Josh duhamel was :D wink wink.It was crazy and fun.But what pissed me off was that,[we went late so it was kinda our fault].But they had no trays to carry the food in - - they didnt even have much food.Nothing but nachos and popcorn and candy.On top of that there was no butter for popcorn.How the hell you dont have butter for popcorn?!I had a feeling I would see laura,and I did when I got out the cab at the movies.It was just a fun night,felt sexy,went out and enjoyed my treat.

I also was inspired to strive even more for that acting career that I am dying for.I mean being on the big screen is tough,and you have to sacrifice a lot.But I have a big chance on the small parts,since I am already in ny and that's where everything starts.And being an actor means acting - - doing roles that are not you.I can pretend a lot.But there are some things i am just through pretending about.I am Bi.my mom knows deep down from 7th grade controversy.I think my neighbor david is freaking hot.My best friends,they rock and support me more than I ever thought they would since I am always helping them.Usually you the helper doesnt get helped but hey look at it now :D.

I just turned it too.It doesn't mean I can't like girls only in the future because no one has the right to say I can't.If i think you are hot,I won't deny it because then I would live with the burning passion to kiss who ever I think is hot or to just tell them.Of course I am not going to tell everyone but those who are close to me.I can't tell my dad even though he loves me no matter what and to the day he is on his death bed.He would send me to dominican republic and make my family "fix" me like he did when my sister was being a rebel.I know a little someone is going to read this and when he does.I hope he knows I could give two sh-ts about what ever he says.On top I know who you want - - I know what you want,and I know what you are afraid of.So test me.I'll end the drama fast.Anyway so yeah,I feel good.I feel sexy right now and I wanna keep this night going on.I wanna party and drink and come home to my nice bed.

I wanna not have to fight with my mom and be able to be open with her about everything.Even though she knows everythought in my mind so she knows I think the dude who lives in my aunt delilahs building is flippin sexy.She knows guys appeal more to me than girls do but I still love my ladies<3 I mean I can't make a baby with a man so I'm not gonna even walk that road or even that far being this way.I wanna push my limitations.I'm sick of being self-conscious about my self.I wanna walk down the street at my best,yeah sure the same old eyes will role off me envy and say im full of conceit.It doesn't matter they just making me stronger.Sure it's going to hurt.But that's why I have my family who I dearly hate but know I can turn to when I am in need.And there are my other families a.k.a my friends.The road has been long and it's only going to get longer.I'm still going to get picked on - - and be questioned if I am gay - - or be called gay.It's going to bug me a lot and I may even cry.I'm not superman I have my weaknesses.And I don't care if I will never overcome all the rumors.I got a place called home which I can always and shall go back to.

Tonight made me think even more.I'm happy for once.I had so much fun and the whole night was so exciting and invigorating.I know I wont feel the same excitement when I wake up.And I will probaly be like "oh sh-t I admitted I am bi,Man i was drunk".But I know deep down I'll have that smile in my gut that shows myself that in MY life its all about me =].

Atm I am stained.I got icy juice all over my shorts.I got crab juice on my sheet and I just put them on today.God I am being a piggy.Hmmmmsserzszszszs.What to do. . .I think I might take another shower.All I know is that I am fweeeee :DD.And when school starts I am going to be the 98 avg student I know I am too lazy to be but hey I do want to get into a good college.I got so many plans.The adrenaline in my body is just pumping.I turned on same girl by usher&r.kelly.Sexy song.My life is a mountain and right now,in this very instance I am at the very top.But I'm feeling kinda bloated from those crab legs I ate :P.Well I better go shower

-Leon

[cori-catastrophe]

dear cb diary,

poo. today all of us were supposed to stay the night w/ jessica and anna and go pick up the guys in the morning to go to six flags on wednesday. needless to say, they got in trouble and got grounded, which means we can't go. i'm going shopping on saturday, but it still makes me mad that i got so exited about going with tim and then we can't even go. i hate it so much. i hope saturday makes up for the loss of fun.

-cori.

[Jinny]

Dear cB Diary,

I feel weird.. about everything. He seems so lonely and everything but nobody can do anything about it because he got caught seeing that stuff yesterday. I feel so bad for him, but on the other hand I want to kick his neck. I'm so confused

[NgocQuyen]

dear cB,
i need something or someone to fill this emptiness i feel inside of me. it's slowly, but surely killing me...

[iGio]

Dear cb,

Didn't do much today [or yesturday since its past 12 already].Just hung out with Evelyn for a bit.Went with her to go get her nails taken off.Then hung at her house for a bit.Had 2 panic attacks.Talked on the phone with kristina :D which was sexily fun.Bought new headphones for my ipod.I HATE HAVING VERIZON AS MY NEW STINKIN INTERNET SERVICE.I miss cable,it never d/ced me.Unlike this stupid new internet I get cut off aim like ever 2 minutes.And its maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad slow.UGH.

Well I still lived for me.Nothing really ruined my mood and I felt good.I walked a lot while on the celly.It was awesome.Though I really want to clubbin.I am still doing my lovely graphic designing.I just don't have no one to show it to.Lexy I can't be her friend no more.Everything is about him.Not that i am jealous,it's like she don't have time for her friends so its w/e.I am very very bored.It's 2:20 in the morning atm.

I'm worried for my dad.I know [god forbid] if he passes away I won't be able to cry.At least I don't think so.I have not cried for anyone who has died in my fam.Not once.They found a blood clot in his vein.I overheard my brother tell my mom.I didn't get to hear the rest though.Everytime I think something bad happened to him,it's true.Because I call as soon as i feel a hunch and they say he's in the hospital.Each and everytime.I feel bad for him.Then he has my mother stressing him out about me.She needs to get over her self.I'm 15.I'm going to back talk regardless.I am going to hold down my opinions against her and not back down.I was raised to speak my mind so that's what I'll do,no matter who it is I am speaking it to.

Anywho.I need something to do.No tv. . .I want to sit outside my window with my ipod because that breeze feels so good!.And later on I am getting my own a.c finally.Tomorrow I'm still deciding what to wear.My orange outfit?Or my graffiti shirt w/the jean shorts.Tough because they are both only for looking very good on a nice day.Hmm...Ill go with my orange,the thugs on the corner hate when I wear it :D haha.God damn Im really bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.Something exciting needs to happen.Like that crack hooker getting beat up again or somethin.

I dont wanna wake up early again to baby sit =[ It sucks!.I like to have my nap time.And my little sister is a pain in the butt.Hmm what will I eat for breakfast....Damn Ok im real bored ima just go do something or something.

-Leon

[Jinny]

Dear cB Diary,

I don't know what is up with her. She doesn't know what a bitchy thing she did to me at the party. Wtf? &EK.. Wow. Who does she think she is? She treats JY like royalty which is exactly what she isn't. She said we should do it at my house or hers because JY would be too tired? WTF? Yeah, so if treat me like dirt, you wouldn't really give a sh*t, right? Well I don't give a shit about your ugly-ass boyfriend and what you always tell me. And JY really doesn't understand what she's doing. She needs a slap to realize what's happening in the REALLLL WORLD

[iGio]

Dear cb,

Yesturday I was pissed.Today I am even more pissed.I chose to barely eat,and my body adapted to not eating a lot anymore so I only eat like one meal - - to nothing a day.And when I want food,I get access denial to it.My mom NEVER has money to get food but somehow she always manages to have money to give to my brother.I am f-cking hungry.And she expected me to be able to buy food with three dollars and fifty cent.What kind of sh-t is that.She gave her last 30$ to give to my brother.I mean ok so i'm apose to starve more because she gave all her money to him so he could go out?!Then to top that off,she was apose to get me AND my brother an ac.She only got him one.Not me.And my room is the hottest one in this house.I am sick and tired of opening to my fridge to see nothing but something to drink.I can't f**king live off liquid and i'm not gonna be paris hilton and f**king not eat at all.

And to add more to it - - I'm not even sure if my dad is coming tomorrow.I hope he does so I can tell him about how his poor son who does nothing but good - - has to live with a b-tch who always f**king gives shit to her other son and not me.How she was apose to get my computer but instead gave MY money from MY dad to my brother.After I worked so f**king hard for it too.Now shes arguing with me.She asked what did I buy to eat.I made her feel so f**king stupid.I told her I bought a sandwhich but it tasted horrible so I threw it out.So she started b-tching saying oh your unbelievable wasting money I dont have,everything taste nasty to you.So I asked how was I apose to know it was going to taste nasty.She stood shut and just told me to take the garbage out.And I'm the f**king b-tch of the house.I'm the one who always back talks when he knows hes right but everyone wants to stay in f**king denial.Then the other day she said she can't wait till I get my own place.That's f**king ok because when I do,I'ma have enough money and force her ass into a f**king home.I am sick and tired of her.Now I am not even hungry.Now I am just boiling pissed beyond all recognition.

I hate being home.I want to stay outside for ever until I am tired.You know what f**k lying to my self.I want to be with david.And you know what else,I HATE when ruthy chases him,hits him,and acts like a total tramp.I got enough proof to claim him mine more than any b-tch out here does.Obviously I know lexy still wants me,I still want her but it aint happening.and im not gonna shut out the other side of me that wants david.I am just so sick.

No one in my family knows I have panic attacks.And today I had a really bad one in the shower.I had excruciating pain in my chest and I was hyperventilating - - I guess the same thing?.And my mother is just going to look at me more as her imperfect son because of a stupid 7th grade mistake.NO ONE TOLD HER TO READ MY JOURNAL.And she read what I wrote about her.So why doesn't she just shut up like I want her to?!I do not wanna hear "deal with your son" tomorrow when my dad comes.He told me to try my best and just ignore her and do what she says.He would know,thats why he left us.He knows he cant stand listening to her as much as I can't.He knows what I am dealing with.He knows so why put more pressure on me.I have school - - I have people to deal with - - I got my friends to help - - I have maintaining my reputation as the only non-teenage f-ck up.

What,does she want to see me on f-cking coke or something.And the real question is WHY ME.UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!And people can't say its life or to get over it or to grow the f**k up.They havent lived in my shoes.They didnt experience what I did at such a young age.They dont know shit.Im sick of everyone telling me to calm down.I'll come down when I'm not living with her anymore.That's when I'll finally be free.

-Leon

[flutterby88]

WOAH. crazy week so far. so monday was my first singing lesson. omg she's so amazing, i didn't know i had that in me:D. then talked to mark very late into the night...i'm so happy we talked. we'll see when he comes home. i'm still not sure, but pretty sure. for now it's fun, like seeing him tuesday. man, that was hot;). then dance and singing were so fun, then stopping by cactus club to say hi to everyone before they went to celebrities! good times wandering around, good times. then driving lessons this week have been good, my teacher's fun. SAW HARRY POTTER LAST NIGHT. omg, omg, there's just no words. except OMG:D:D:D:D. bought goblet of fire today to complete the collection. but yeah wow, that's all i can say about the movie:D. all registered for dance now!:D. went to cat and fiddle tonight for mark and nagle's goodbye thing. at first i was so mad, but then i realized it was all in good fun and i loosened up:). i gotta go though

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Damn work schedule/dance schedule. I need those days switched. But anyways, the harbour classes have been amaaaazing so far. I'm exhausted cause I'm either going out or working after but I love it. I'll be so sad when its all over. But on the other hand...beaaaach! I miss it...I still haven't properly been in so long. I need to soon dammit.

[chibichi15]

Dear cB Diary,

I really hope things get better soon. Has not been a very eventful week at all... But thank goodness that I have two friends who are always there for me.

[iGio]

Dear cb,

I am sick and tired of living with this bitch who is supposly my "mother".Ok its bad enough my dad came and she stressed him out.she was arguing with my brother because ok he just got his job and just started work today.And he was like he's not going in for the deposition next week at her lawyers office because he has to work and pay his bills.So she was screaming at him and blah and my dad was just there watching.So then I walk around getting ready to take my shower and she starts saying to my dad "and you need to do something about THIS KID as well".Why can't she die already?!Shes like saying she cant wait till we get our own place.WE cant either.We are sick of her.I am the most fed up with her.Me and her got into it she was complaining about how my sneakers always get dirty and how I should wipe them down every once in a while.She told me that the other day and I said It's sneakers,they are going to get dirty regardless of how neat and clean you are.They were made to be walked on.So she got mad and said well if thats the case I wont wash your clothes and those are just made to wear.So I said no theres a difference.So what she wants me be to be dirty?No one said wash my clothes,I can do it my self.So she told my dad I said that and he don't care he stood shut because I got at her.

So then she went on about how sick and tired she is of us.Ok NO ONE TOLD HER TO OPEN UP HER F-CKING LEGS TO MY FATHER AND TO MAKE BABIES.Sh-t next time get your tubes tied i could give two sh-ts if she hated me.I hate her to the point I will spit on her grave when she dies.So he goes oh rosie why are you always getting frustrated and taking it out on them.She was like we are the cause of her frustration and that he should try living with us.Theres a huge difference between my dad and my mom.My dad is a quiet man,he will ask me if i want any thing to eat or drink or if i wanna go out to the movies or w/e.He wont b-tch and whine.If he askes us something we get it done because hes not rawr rawr up in our faces yelling to do something.We aren't dogs and if you gonna yell we aint gonna do what you say simple as that.My mom is the stupid roaring non-stop talking b-tch.Every minute shes yelling over things so small literally.So when I shut her up and got in the shower - - well before I got in.She left the trash bin in the tub because she filled it with water to clean it.So I got mad and took it out and was about to put it in the kitchen and she comes in and says all I had to do was dump it.And I was like no it shouldnt be there.And she goes you're going to clean it.And I said no im not.Thats not my job garbage bins arent apose to be clean.So my dad was like oh I'll dump the water out for you and she said no he has two arms he can do it him self.So i said shut up.Like ok if he wants to do it let him.

So then after all that I was like is there any soap because I didnt see any.She goes well if you dont see it then there is none.I just saw a full bar the day before yesturday and I didnt use it all up.So I dont see how we didnt have soap but luckily I found some left on the soap handle thingy.So i got in the shower and my dad left.He called my brother and my brother put me on the phone and my dad said that he forgot to tell me that he bought me and my brother cologne Giorgio Armani.So i was like thank you.And then he said that hes going to pick me up next saturday and try to get me out of the house because shes out of hand.And that hes going to buy me what ever i want and need little by little.Hes going to buy me a monthly metro so I can take the 6 train to 3rd avenue 148th street i think?Something like that and then take the one or 2 bus from there to his house.hes going to take me shopping in manhattan next sat.So I was like cool.Finally he realizes how stupid and whiny and b-tchy she is to us.It's like a child called it except that she dont abuse us and if she did like dave was abused, I would stab her.

I am so fed up.Then she sent me to the store not to long ago for milk [she didnt specify what size] benedrly and something to drink.So I was like we dont need anything we have a full gallon of kool aide and sunkist.So i just got a half gallon of milk and the benedrly.So she was like this isnt what I said to get,i said get a quart of milk and something to drink!You dont listen,do what I say not what you want.So I was like NO.I walked back to the store shouting shes annoying and blah.So then I got the f-cking juice like she wanted and the quart of milk so I had to exchange the milk.Then I had to pay 80 cent difference for the juice.So then I went back to her and gave her the sh-t she wanted.And I gave her 20 cents back not thinking about the rest of the change I got back.So she was like this all dont cost 4.80.I was like so?Go tell the lady not me.And she repeated it again.She was like what you just go in the store and give them the money without asking how much.And I said yeah.They arent gonna try to fool me they are adults.So again I said ok then GO TELL HER IT DONT COST 4.80.And she was like you know what get out my face your so stupid and I walked away saying w/e.I went up to evelyn and said walk with me before i smack this b-tch.I really was about to slap my mom.I am sick and tired of her.

So I walked off some of that steam but I am still pissed.I just wish I didn't live with her and that me and my brother already had our own place.We are sick of her,sick sick sick sick sick.And she kept complaining to her stupid bf about me when she was in my room earlier.I had my ipod on full blast.So she got mad since she was on the phone with him and said turn it down.She said its too loud you cant hear me.And i said thats the point.And she said that i should call my dad to come back and tell him to come get me for the weekend.Ok I would love that.No b-tchy mother no nothing.She said I need to leave.So I got pissed and said no YOU need to leave,not me.No one is stopping you,go.She said you dont pay no rent in here and said to her boyfriend you hear this,he said I need to leave.And I was like yep me and anthony both agree your the one who has to leave not us.And I walked into my brothers room.How dare she say I'm the one who needs to leave.She's so miserable with us then go be with your f-cking man.Go no ones stopping her.Go WE honestly do not care.I really dont because once she is out of my life she is out of it for good.So that means everytime she going to come visit I will make sure I will not be here to see her.I might even better go live with one of my friends or tina.So he could just lie and say I am out and dont know where I am.

I dont ever want to see her after we move out from her.I dont want her to call because if she does Im going to let the phone ring.I am cutting her out.I hate her.And no I will not be sad if she dies.I really wont not after all i put up with her.I could care less about what happens to her.I hate her so f-cking much.Ugh.She just cant stand the fact that I am bi.She needs to get over it.I dont give a damn if she knows Im lying through my teeth when I said I wasnt.Get over it.It aint going to change.Big deal I think guys are hot and I would date them.So what?Oii I really cant stand her.I need a latte</3

-Leon

[AngelinaTaylor]

Dear cB Diary, here's everything I'm thinking right now:

I'm so hurt by what he did. And when we're together, everything seems so perfect. And then I see the pictures... it made me want to scream. Every time! It's so weird. Sometimes I feel like I mean NOTHING to him, nothing. And other times he makes me feel like I actually matter. It's a beautiful feeling, the latter. The bad thing? I fell in love with him. The worse thing? It's been almost a year that we've been going out and I don't think he's THAT serious about me. The worst thing? I let him have all.. of.. me. The obvious? I don't think he loves me. And I want him to, so much. Because I do do do do do.. Yesterday at the movies, he was just holding my hand and I kept thinking, "wow, I never thought it was possible to feel this way about another human being." A cynic fall in love?! Who the f**k would've thought!

I actually wish it never happened. If I never fell in love, I wouldn't hurt. Even though it's the best feeling in the world. I never want to let him go, but he obviously doesn't feel that way about me. What am I to him? Some random girl, some fling, someone he calls when he wants sex. I wish I had the guts to talk to him about it. I honestly don't. And you know what's on his profile? OPEN RELATIONSHIP. Yes, open relationship. And he's "looking for" a relationship, random play and dating. AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH, so funny. SO funny. I feel so great! He doesn't even see me as a girlfriend! How incredible. Just fantastic. The really, truly sad thing? I can't end it. I can't bring myself to it. Because I'd rather have the little I have than nothing. If I lose him, I lose it all. When we're together, he makes me so happy, and as an adult, I hope people take me seriously when I say I CAN'T picture myself with anyone else. I don't want anyone else. He's everything to me. Then I should be happy and stop whining, right? I just wish he saw me as something more than a girl for hook-ups. There, I said it all.

[iGio]

Dear cb,

I am now the teenage fag skank to her.She saw me on here and said whats that.And I said a community center and she goes what you doing,looking for boys.I'll summarize the whole convo we had in a little act.

Let me portray my self as lindsey lohan before the coke and crack incidents.The normal teenage stressed out kid.Did I say normal?I mean crazy.My mother is her father just without the beatings just verbal beating.

me:I hate you.I want to move out.rawr rawr rawr blah blag
Her:You need help,I want you in therapy,when are you going to admit your gay when are you going to stop being a teenage tramp.When are you going to help me around the house and do things right?!My way not yours.You do what I say.There are parents out there who dodnt give a sh-t about what their kids do,where they sleep or how they eat or where they go.
me:-tries so hard not to laugh while having bull sh-t thrown at my face-

She thinks i need therapy.so I can talk about my "problems"Reffering to being bi and liking boys but not admitting it.AHAHAHAAHAHA she f-cking cracked me up.I tried so hard not to smile when she was telling me all this bull sh-t.I mean she said when am i going to admit I am gay.Obviouslly she knows Im bi so she needs to stop asking.Im going psychologically crazy.Ill show her real problems.She thinks I go on here for boys?!Is she f-cking serious?!.Im not some little tramp named melissa butt f-ck.

I sware to god I cant believe she thinks I come on here for boys.Its f-cking amazing!

i'm bi.I think joe jonas is freaking hot.I had a dream me and him kissed.I think thomas cunninghamm yeah you know him,I think hes hot too.As well as the eddie dude and so many more people.I think my neighbor and his friend are hot.I think girls are hot too.I think my own best friend bffffffl is sexy I would so date her.I think gabby is sexy.Wooo Now i hope my mom starts being nosy and comees on cb looking for my profile and sees that I wrote this.So she can know how I feel.

I hate her to the point I want to spit on her grave and walk away and never look back.I hate her so much.And my dad is really trying to take me away from her.She told me he called earlier asking what size pants i wear and shoes.Hes really doing something which makes me happy but I can not live with him.I mean if he wanted me to sure,I would have freedom.But me im crazy.I like to go out alot and where he lives I cant because its that dangerous.I could go to my cousins who lives 3 blocks down from him and be with her alot.But I would feel bad.I do have a bad attitude problem and I am borderline bi-polar and my mood swings are vast and crazy.And I catch one with him sometimes and he askes me about my attitude.He doesnt like it and he wont hit me but if he puts his hand up to me I stay shut because he hit me once in my whole life.And that one time WAS HARD!.I mean talk about the only b-tch slap in the face.It was literally so hard I forgot he even got in the car to do it.And he swore never to hit me again.

It's crazy!I seriouslly need to talk to my brother about all this.But someone made me kinda happy.So its all good :D

-Leon

[YourSuperior]

Dear cB Diary,

My mom's 50^th birthday/party is today and we've been just cleaning up the house like crazy and trying to get everything ready. She's been getting phone calls back to back and we're going to have a lot of food. But anyway, my BEST friend Brittany is coming along with her mom and now I've come to find out that she's bringing some dumb cousin of hers named Jasmine. I'm like OMG why would you even just randomly invite someone to SOMEONE ELSE'S PARTY! I mean, it's not her party so she just can't invite whoever the hell she wants to. Moreover, she did ask my mom and my mom approved her bringing a guest. I still don't like the fact the she's bringing her. See, if I were in her position and I wanted to invite one of my friends to her mom's party, she'd be angry and wouldn't want me to come at all, and that's the exact way I'm feeling right now. I don't want her to even step a foot in our house if she's insists on bringing her cousin who I don't even know that well. It really pisses me off when people do dumb shit like this and it makes me want to stay in the back of the house during the party and I'll be sure to turn my computer off so Brittany her little dumb cousin won't be trying to get on it and tamper with stuff with their computer illiterate asses.

Edit:

Dear cB Diary,

Everything turned out great! Brittany's cousin and I turned out to already know eachother from this basketball camp we used to go to every summer.

This post has been edited by Alvin: Jul 15 2007, 01:55 PM

[Jinny]

Dear cB Diary,

Today was okay, I guess. Except for the fact that Sophia (my sister) put lip gloss on my iPod headphones UGH! Well I finally got to see R today, yay! I haven't seen him in a looong time, and I was so happy today<3 Being with Y was reallyyy funny, except the fact that ______ kept on bothering us. I mean I do think she's nice, but she's really.. calm! and.. boring, I guess Well beside all of that, hanging out with Y and being with R really made my day. Lol

[cori-catastrophe]

dear cb diary,

poo. today all of us were supposed to stay the night w/ jessica and anna and go pick up the guys in the morning to go to six flags on wednesday. needless to say, they got in trouble and got grounded, which means we can't go. i'm going shopping on saturday, but it still makes me mad that i got so exited about going with tim and then we can't even go. i hate it so much. i hope saturday makes up for the loss of fun.

-cori.

dear cb diary,
scratch that. i found out the other day that ever single one of them lied to me about getting in trouble and not going. they went on sunday without me, after they had already invited me. i got really pissed off. they're betrayed me too many times and i'm sick of it. my mom wont allow me to see them or speak with them anymore, which is for the best.
anyways, yesterday was my birthday. it was completely fun. on saturday(which you can read in my original post)my mom and i went shopping and we had a mom and cori day. i love those days. i woke up and my dad gave me a one hundred dollar bill to spend. and i got to spend my mom's paycheck, so i got a bunch of clothes. she was up for anything. i was allowed to spend however much money i wanted. we ate at red lobster and talked about my betrayed incident. it was great. she really understand me and i'm really glad to have that in a mom. anyways, yesterday she bought me another present to top it all of with and she bought me a cake with neon green writing that said "woot!" on it because that's my word and she knows my favorite color is neon green. it had lots of sprinkles too. and she also got some coffee ice cream. it was yummy. exept ally didn't like it. anna called late last night to tell me happy birthday. not jessica or britni. anna invited me to go swimming this week. i didn't tell her that i'm not supposed to have any contact with them yet. oh yeah!
lee and britni broke up finally!!!
it made me happy. i finally got to tell lee what all was happening behind his back and we've become close like we used to be before she came along. and they're mad at each other because britni obviously has attachment issues. i'll write more later.

[Jinny]

dear cb diary,

I really can't understand why I have to wait until October. That's about 2 months away!! I work hard, and she should be thankful that I don't ask her for everything everytime. She doesn't realize that I'm the only one who doesn't do that and she isn't happy about it because she thinks everyone else does it. UGH. What if I don't get in?! UGH. Bergen County Band (October)= Pain in the assss. I really don't want to audition!! and of course, there's Bergen County Regionals which is in February, and I have to practice for that because my dear mother said so. UGH I HATE THIS

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Yay, he's coming with me to Cali! I am so effing excited. But damn everything costing so much money...sigh. Ah well. Anyways, the dance intensive has been amazing but absolutely exhausting. But yeah. Umm...I hope Saturday works out...I need to be with her when she gets it done! Pleaseeee work...

[flutterby88]

I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!! *sigh* it's funny, hanging out with friends now, it's hard to enjoy myself, cuz i just wanna be with him. not all the time, just every once in a while, i'll catch myself wishing to be alone. but man i'm tired, at least i'm keeping myself busy:). saturday was so funny. piña colada:P. lol, wow me, wow. but it was fun, log rolling in my underwear:P. then sunday did nothing:). yesterday went to english bay with L! SO fun:), had lunch with S & C first. C is so cute! i'd never actually hung out with her before, what a sweetie:). good to see S too, saw the id thing coming, won't lie. ahh well. then me and L just soaked in the rays for like 3 hours, felt SO nice, felt so much like summer, lying in the sand and listening to music. then he left when A came, me and him had some fun piggy backs in the water, LOL then there was that terrible peek-a-boo moment. then got picked up at lougheed. lol, they had a board in the car:P. then he gave me iced tea and entertained me at his house till he dropped me off. talked to S for at least 3 hours on msn last night. holy man, so much fun. and J, i'm here if you need to talk more. but yeah, so fun with S, love that kid. stupid M, never signed on, don't even know why i waited for him. then today spent all day with B. it was so muggy today:( but at least productive! she fed me, then we put together the basket for K. then tap was SO fun today, i'm learning so much:D! and saw the most coolest shades at cherry bomb, i think i might get them, i'll ask for F's opinion on thursday. so excited he's finally gonna tap! then in singing i had to lead my group again:D. K wanted to skytrain home together, he's nice, but kinda awkward:P. anyhoo, so i'm tired. long day. and i'm booked again till saturday night, sunday i shall be free. *sigh* i miss him

[Jinny]

Dear cB Diary,

I got to be with R again! It was really fun, haha. The thing that sucked about today though was that I HAD to buy A's birthday present, and I really don't want to spend $40 dollars for a Hollister polo. I mean, I know it's his birthday but we barely talk to each other except when we're online. We're not even close friends, and he asks me to spend $40 on him?! Ugghhhhh. Now I have to go to the mall and I'm REALLY not in the mood right now. I want to relaxxxx