Mitch Hedberg, Possibly the greatest comedian ever... Options

[MiSSxMELON]

Here are some of my favorites by Mitch, although I recommend watching him on Youtube first. It's way funnier when you see&hear it. His mannerisms are hilarious. Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOnsH29qKzY

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the dude gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the dude gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it"!

I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner."

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.

I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Me and my friends did acid in the woods, 'cause there was much less chance of running into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. And that is way more of a buzz kill. I looked around and saw my friend swearing to prevent forest fires. Later, he came up to me and said, "Mitchell. Smokey is way more intense in person".
I wanted to do my 'Smokey the Bear' joke in England, but I had ask if they had 'Smokey the Bear in England', and they don't. They have 'Smacky the Frog'. I think that is a way better system, because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Like, never has there been a frog hoppin' towards me, and I thought, "Man, here comes that frog. I better play dead." Never have I said "here comes that frog" in a horrified manner. Its always optimistic, like, "Hey. Here comes that frog. Alright. Maybe he will settle near me, and I can pet him, and hold him. And put him in a mayonnaise jar. With a stick and a leaf. To recreate what he's used to. And I'm gonna poke holes in the lid, 'cuz he's definitely used to air."

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.

I had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say go around, I can not open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side but over here there is nothing. It's just flat.

I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "You really like Tide."

I'm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "Fore", but I was too busy mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?

I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table.

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for doughnut."

I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap." How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."

At the end of my letters I like to write "PS: this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be screwed up.

I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.

Okay, okay...that's enough. I got a little carried away.