Break up Options

[wishforhelsinki]

"Maybe I'm dead, maybe I really did bleed in the tub and only thought I woke up from a nightmare," Alysa thought out loud, "I'm in Hell and my torture is to see him every waking day of his life, happy without me." She sighed and crawled into her bed. It's been months since he had told her he wanted a break, and only three days later, she found him flirting with Ren, who he'd end up asking out two weeks later. Blane was more than Alysa deserved, she knew that and she knew that she should have been thankful at least that she had him in the first place. But somehow the knowledge that she had lost him to another girl, that of higher appeal, hurt more than the thought of him never becoming part of her life at all. Hell, right now, she'd love to see him at his worst. It wasn't like her to be so selfish, it was so unlike her to want to see him weak and broken. But she was broken too, and only still so angry. Tears started swelling in her eyes as her mind recollected the promises they've failed to keep.

"Al, one day, we're gonna jump on a bus and get married in Vegas," he'd half joke. It was just like him to say something that caught her completely off guard and sent her heart fluttering inside her ribcage all at once. So sweet the the things he'd say.
"And if we never get to?" She'd be the one to always plant doubts.
"Well, if we never get to, I guess I'll just give you a ring anyway and be satisfied that you're my girlfriend."

"I hope you're telling her the exact same lies," she hissed at him, wherever he was. "F**k. God . . If I could honestly not care." She sobbed loudly, bringing her hands to her quivering lips in an attempt to quiet the wails coming from them. The empty space in her room suddenly filling up with depression. Who did she turn to during these times? She tried to remember in her mind. Oh . . it was Blane. She came to him for everything, especially when she was having doubts. The very doubts that ruined what they had. She just couldn't help herself to shoving it in his face. "Here take this list of doubts and fix me all up by telling me why I shouldn't care." That was basically how it was when they went through the routine of discussing them. And then one day she guessed he just had enough.

More than anything, she'd take the last week back when they were together. They were so happy, on the outside, mostly on her part. Inside she was a mess and as for Blane, she would never know. She barely realized how little she paid attention to what he had to say, to how he felt, it never ceased to be about her and her problems. Well no wonder he left her. More than half a year later, she still doesn't want to pick herself back up off the ground and go on with her life. She reached behind under her pillow and pulled out the last note she ever got from him. She knew the creases of its folding well and memorized every word and detail of his sloppy writing. She also noted how it was the first time he didn't write "love" or "yours truly" when ending it. She decided to read it one more time and forced herself to feel her old pain once more. And then she had to read it again, and again. And one more time until she screamed and tore the paper to confetti. She was having a fit but after it had passed she had the slightest change to her face. The dull in her eyes seemed less dull now, and she almost smiled.

It was another night that the memory of him had creeped up behind her, haunting her restlessly. But for some reason, the words she hated to look back on didn't pick at her wounds anymore. And she had the feeling that she could try now, to move on.