Oh man..., I need help... ;_; Options

[*Uronacid*]

What do you do when you feel so needy... I feel like I'm such garbage... I don't know why. I'm even scared to feel this way, becuase I'm afriad of being myself sometimes... I'm so paraniod about everything... I think that the only reason i drank so much last night was to get these thoughts out of my head for at least one night...


I hate myself... and I have reasoning for it, but I can't talk about it becuase I'm afriad of holly not liking me, and thinking I'm a pussy... ugh... I get so scared and nervous the further I progress into a relationship... Man... I love her, but I feel the need to tear myself away becuase I'm so scared of her or anyone not likeing me and just leaving... I feel like I just need to accept it, and I just let things go a little bit so i can distance myself, but now that I saw her in person it's so difficult... :[ I'm going insane... I have crazy thoughts. Sometimes I even think that if I do terrible things I will feel like she likes me more... I don't think she ever knew how f**ked up I am... This is the area of my life that I'm so afriad i could never clean up... everyone girlfriend I have ever had has let me go at this piont... It's not what I want... Sometimes I feel like telling her not to do things just so she will be rebelious and do them anyways so I can feel like she really cares, but I just know that if i tell her not to do something she won't do it... God, help me... I'm so paranoid right now... I don't want to call her either... The way I'm feeling makes me too scared... I feel as if the only reason I'm calling her is to get this sense of security... Is that using someone? I want to keep everything inside becuase I'm afriad that if I tell her things and show that I am scared that she will push me away and not like me anymore... I'm also afriad that if I don't talk about it she will sense my being nervous and not like me becuase she will feel like I'm hiding something... I'm so nervous and I feel so trapped... I need to find a way out...

I keep thinking to myself... Sometimes I calm down, I get my head straight, and I call her, Even then its difficult... I want to say something, but the fear of her not liking me and the pain that comes with rejection keeps meeeefrom even being able to think of what I really need to say... I hate myself so much... I wish I just didn't exist somtimes so I didn't have to think about all this stuff... It really tears me apart inside. Man, up until now my head has been screwed on tight... Why now? Why do I always have to get paranoid... I have so many friends in real life... Why don't I talk to them about it? I know... Because I don't like talking to them about my relationsihps... They aways tell me to do the wrong things... UGh... Sorry this is so complicated... Maybe it's complicated, becuase i feel complicated. Maybe to understand me you have to read this whole message, and feel so confused you want to shoot youself right in the head. Not because you're depressed... you just want to stop the thinking... You wish that for once you could find peace... You know, I did feel peacful with I was right there with her *happiness for a brief second :]*... sometimes people tell me to just stop thinking... I can't, and I wish I could...

I wish I could find someone as paraniod and as insane as I am... :[

Please... I really need someone to reply... every second that I wait I think of more things to wright (I wish I could spell)... I wish someone could just step inside my brian and take a look that way they could understand me... Of course, they would be tripping all over the place... I imagine it would be this spider web of tangled thoughts... That's how I feell inside my brain... She loves me, but how? How can anyone love someone who is so f**ked up... I don't even feel like I have the right to feel f**ked up becuase there are so many people out there that have it worse than I do... Maybe that's why I never create topics on this board... Becuase I feel selfish when I do it... Why should anyone post there problems on createblog... It's like this place where people have this finnal despresate cry for help so they can feell normal, recieve and use advice from someone that may or maynot have any moral values, or relate to someone who lives over 1000 miles away... I say that, and yet I'm doing the same thing... I think about anything and everything... every possible choice and every possible outcome all in a matter of seconds... When making a descision... even the smallest descision I feel someone planted a weed in my head, and it's rapidly growing... TAKEING OVER EVERY INCH OF MY f**king BRAIN!!! Sometimes I wish someone could just say something that I haven't thought of about the subject that I think about... I wish someone could just totally prove my brain wrong just so that it would just shut... up...

These are my thoughts... if someone could please make some sense out of them... I'm loosing my mind...

[lyin_in_wait]

everybody goes through those mood swings in life. where nothing seems right, and you feel like shit. but you know, it DOES get better eventually. just try to keep yourself busy and every time a negative thought pops into your head try to push it out.

you cant help the way another person feels. but pushing her away isnt helping really. maybe if you tried talkin to her your mind would rest a bit with all the insecurities...

[*Uronacid*]

I tried to keep myself busy once... it's very difficult... I guess I could try it tho... I find that ignoring all the thoughts and such just leads to this major build up, and I have these complete mental breakdowns...

[*This Confession*]

You know, theres someone out there for everyone. So someone has to love you or like you eventually. You may not accept it or whatever. Also in the end I don't think anyone is ever going to help you get over your paranoia. You've been in relationships that have left you that way, and you can say your over them all you want but sometimes maybe your not in the grey areas. I know you can trust people, but sometimes trust goes to a limit, you need to trust me that I'm not going to hurt you or leave you. I'm not going to leave you for being yourself because if I love you then I know theres imperfections there and maybe to me their perfections. Some may bother me, like your love of singing and how i get this weird type of embarresed when you start.
-__-' but I still love you, even more for being yourself. They only thing that people can help you with this topic is to tell you not to be paranoid, and say something along the lines if you really trust me, or if your ready for this type of relationship. I don't really think your ever tied down in to a relationship because it sounds like your only there because you have to be. and I don't really see how its usiing someone when you asked that question. Sometimes people need that security. and when your in this type of relationship you can't exactly get it easily. All you have is talking to me.


I don't think that helped. I just woke up though, and no one is home

just try to keep yourself busy and every time a negative thought pops into your head try to push it out

I find that to be really bad. He does that now, and it just builds up and its bad sometimes. I mean if he just comes out and says it when the problem first starts then he wouldn't have so much on him, but you can't just tell him to do something. He has to do it on his own.

[brooklyngirl119]

i think you should talk to her about it

[*ECD & C0*]

just try to keep yourself busy and every time a negative thought pops into your head try to push it out

that works so good i had a really bad time a few years ago i read exercised and went online it really helped

[iROCKYOURSOCKS]

i can relate to you because i felt the same way 4 years ago..i felt that everybody judged me and that nobody felt that i was around or loved me..my mind were full of confusing thoughts that i couldnt figure out and at times it would make me cry because i was so paranoid at myself and the world that i didnt want to leave my room ever..i truly felt alone....i tried dealing this by my own and it teared me apart day by day until i could not stand it anymore..i talked with my friend and told how i was feeling and what was going on in my life he gave me really good advice and slowly i started feeling better...its good to tell people what is going on and dont EVER EVER be afraid that someone will judge you harshly for doing so..if they do that means they dont really care for you..if someone truly cares they will listen and understand you.

I also felt the same way that you do about being afraid of losing someone you really love thinking everynite that the next day they might not love you anymore and if they left how could you go on...it was during those tuff times i found someone who did love me but i was always afraid to lose him and sink back into my deppression.. but i was able to go through it because i always had the support of my friends....Uronacid these feelings will pass believe me and you will feel better. find someone you truly trust and tell them how you feel you dont have to battle these feelings on your own. GOOD LUCK!!!


p.s if you dont find anyone to share your feelings journals are always a good source!

[PrincessAda]

You should talk to her..you can`t help how someone feels about you.

[Listelle]

It's so.. hard.. to love someone so much.. and to not know.. if they love you as much as you love them.. or if they even love as much as they say they do. It's hard because you want to give yourself completely to them, but at the same time you're terrfied to, because theres the chance they won't accept all of you, that they don't even want all of you. You want to hear promises, vows, and declarations of what you mean to them. But you don't want to ask for them because that would be desperate, needy and maybe more than they can give. And what happens if it is more? You've scared away the only good thing in your life. So what do you do?

You could suck it up and call and ask them to tell you what you want to hear. Or you could hold it all in and pray fervently that they'll, out of the blue, tell you everything you've always wanted to her.

Or you could let it go now. Make it easier on yourself, because this is a self-inflicted pain. They didn't do this to you. You know you can survive it this way.

And it's easier to tell it to a world of strangers rather than the people you've known and trusted because you're afraid of them telling you what you already know. You're afraid they'll brush your problems off as a mere insecurity and try to reassure that you're crazy and you're just making up things. And at that point, you don't have the heart to argue and tell them no, this is real. This is killing me slowly inside and theres something I need to know, something that I can't learn by myself but you're unwilling to understand, listen, look even deeper into what I'm telling you. I'm begging you for help, but you're not listening. But online, you never see all the people who ignore you, you only see the people who respond and, at the time, seem to care. It's reassuring to know that someone out there is listening, when noone at home is.

If you've read nothing else of this post, read this:

Don't listen to a word I've just said. I'm going through my own issues at the moment that may or may not relate to what you're feeling. But as one stranger to another, if you ever need someone completely detached from your life to talk to, I'm just a message away.

[*This Confession*]

I agree with This Confession with everything EXCEPT the part about dealing things on your own..

I don't want him to deal with all the problems himself, I want him to tell me about them when he first starts to think about them.

-__-' her post makes me feel bad.

[*Uronacid*]

It's so.. hard.. to love someone so much.. and to not know.. if they love you as much as you love them.. or if they even love as much as they say they do. It's hard because you want to give yourself completely to them, but at the same time you're terrfied to, because theres the chance they won't accept all of you, that they don't even want all of you. You want to hear promises, vows, and declarations of what you mean to them. But you don't want to ask for them because that would be desperate, needy and maybe more than they can give. And what happens if it is more? You've scared away the only good thing in your life. So what do you do?

You could suck it up and call and ask them to tell you what you want to hear. Or you could hold it all in and pray fervently that they'll, out of the blue, tell you everything you've always wanted to her.

Or you could let it go now. Make it easier on yourself, because this is a self-inflicted pain. They didn't do this to you. You know you can survive it this way.

And it's easier to tell it to a world of strangers rather than the people you've known and trusted because you're afraid of them telling you what you already know. You're afraid they'll brush your problems off as a mere insecurity and try to reassure that you're crazy and you're just making up things. And at that point, you don't have the heart to argue and tell them no, this is real. This is killing me slowly inside and theres something I need to know, something that I can't learn by myself but you're unwilling to understand, listen, look even deeper into what I'm telling you. I'm begging you for help, but you're not listening. But online, you never see all the people who ignore you, you only see the people who respond and, at the time, seem to care. It's reassuring to know that someone out there is listening, when noone at home is.

If you've read nothing else of this post, read this:

Don't listen to a word I've just said. I'm going through my own issues at the moment that may or may not relate to what you're feeling. But as one stranger to another, if you ever need someone completely detached from your life to talk to, I'm just a message away.

i can relate to you so much... -_- i'll talk to her... BTW, ThisConfession is my girlfriend

[Listelle]

i can relate to you so much... -_- i'll talk to her... BTW, ThisConfession is my girlfriend

I, uh, didn't know that.

And good luck :) You're a good person to have the guts to talk to her. I'm working on that currently. Soon, hopefully.

[iROCKYOURSOCKS]

I don't want him to deal with all the problems himself, I want him to tell me about them when he first starts to think about them.

-__-' her post makes me feel bad.

OH im sorry i didnt mean it to make you feel bad. =( must have meen a misreading in your last answer sorry again!

but you can't just tell him to do something. He has to do it on his own.

i thought you meant like dealing his feeling on his own and i think you might have been talking about doing other things to distract himself lol my bad =P

[pinacoolada]

I used to be very paranoid about my ex.."what if he stops liking me?" etc. But he gave up on me at the time when I was learning to control my fears. It's hard you know? It's hard to let everything out to that person you love. It's hard not to think that they won't let go despite your worries. You always have that insecurity in you. But, if ThisConfession really loves you, she wouldn't mind. Love is trust. You've gotta trust her. I've learned that. Don't be afraid to tell her.


And when you start getting scared again you just have to learn to stop your brain. When you think of something bad, do something else. Keep yourself busy.

[*This Confession*]

oh no, I meant you can't tell him to do anything specific, I suppose you could. But he has to come out and do it on his own, I didn't mean he has to deal with it all on his own.

[*Uronacid*]

I think you guys are all wrong... I have been thinking...

[pinacoolada]

^ what?

well, I hope you get it sorted out..just try to enjoy the ride while it lasts.

[*Uronacid*]

Accually I don't know what it is... I just thought I was onto something... I'm still scared... ugh, I'm so much work...

[duplicatex0x0x0]

I think that the best thing that you can do, is talk to her. I went through the same thing that you are going through now, in march of 05, it caused me to get so in depth of what i was really thinking about that I ended the best relationship that I was ever in. I think that if you can talk to Holly about how you are feeling and allow her to know why you are paranoid and stuff, she's not going to run away from you. She loves you a lot, and good people like that don't come around often. What im trying to say to you is dont tell yourself that you'll push her away. or if you keep telling yourself that. you eventually will. Think positive and dont think that you cant say anything to your girlfriend. I'm sure that she would understand anything that you could tell her, even better than you can understand it yourself. So if you take my advice, tell her and everything. you two should stay a happy couple. You two make a good couple. and she is a smart person that can help you with any feelings that you have. a relationship is based 90% on communication. if you two talk to eachother about every feeling that you have. you two will be very close. and that is a great feeling. but if you dont talk to eachother at all. then you two will eventually drift apart.

[pinacoolada]

^ I suggest you try to fight your fears soon. So that you get to enjoy the relationship while it lasts.

[duplicatex0x0x0]

^i hope that was meant to be for two posts up.. i dont have any relationship probs anymore...

[pinacoolada]

^ yep it was..lol

[AngelinaTaylor]

You just need to let go of the fear - that's all. Just let go. Let it slide. She's with you for a reason. I don't even understand WHY you feel "paranoid" and all those things.. but we all feel that way at one point or another. For a while, I had this constant fear that my boyfriend was cheating on me, or that he was having feelings for someone else, or simply that every time he went out, he was out to do something bad. But you just gotta let thoughts like this ("oh she'll stop liking me") go.

Just stop worrying.. relax.

[pinacoolada]

I don't even understand WHY you feel "paranoid" and all those things..

I think it's because he cares about the relationship too much that he tends to overanalyze. Either that or he had bad relationships before.

[*Uronacid*]

You just need to let go of the fear - that's all. Just let go. Let it slide. She's with you for a reason. I don't even understand WHY you feel "paranoid" and all those things.. but we all feel that way at one point or another. For a while, I had this constant fear that my boyfriend was cheating on me, or that he was having feelings for someone else, or simply that every time he went out, he was out to do something bad. But you just gotta let thoughts like this ("oh she'll stop liking me") go.

Just stop worrying.. relax.

Here This might be why... I have done some thinking:

I am finnally begining to realize the roots of all these fears... I mean I always understood them, but sometimes I guess I forget... I think that I think of myself as worthless... I really don't understand how anyone can love me or like me... I started talking to my friends, and they were amazed at what I was telling them.. It was like they didn't even know me... even my closest freinds where so surprized at my lack of confidence... I think that my feelings of worthlessness stem from 3 major things in my life...

-My parents divorce.
-My first relationship.
-The way I lost my virginity. (I was drunk and some chick just came in and f**ked me)

I consistantly deny the idea of these things affecting me... well, I deny them to myself, but it seems like whenever I sit down and think about my reasoning. I base alot of things on my past experiences... They way my parents split up was similar to the way I broke up with my first girl-friend in alot of ways.

The both of them changed and found ways to do what they wanted. Sierra (my-ex) seemed to change.. she became sucked into things like hanging out with people that drank, smoked, and screwed around with each other. Pretty soon she was doing all those things... At the time I was pretty aposed to those things. So, I told her I didn't like her hanging out with those people if she was just going to smoke, or drink. She started smoking cigarettes, and drinking with her friends... after a while we couldn't even have a conversation without getting in an agrument about it. She told me I was being to controlling, and paranoid, and I told her that I was worried about what she was turning into... Eventually we decided to take a break in wich she could do as she pleased without talking about it afterward.. She had decided that everything that was to happen in this break had to be kept a secret. I couldn't trust her... she made friends with this guy, and eventually she ended up liking him and about a year after our relationship, I found out she had slept with him as a favor... I found this out through her cousin....
This relationship really f**ked me up.. I dated her for over a year, and all that stuff happened within one month. I was like an atomic bomb had exploded in my life and the aftermath would affect me even today... Yeah, I'm over her and I don't like her or think about her as a person, but I do get scared when something even remotly simliar happens in any relationship that I am in.. Also, it seems as if the closer I get to someone the worse these feelings become... I don't know what I need to hear in order to let go of this...
I know that people have it worse than me, and that only makes me feel shittier because I realize I feel bad and I don't feel like I have to right to feel bad about myself and I hate myself even more becuase I feel like a selfish stupid moron...

ugh...

I think it's because he cares about the relationship too much that he tends to overanalyze. Either that or he had bad relationships before.

Thats all true...