Oh man..., I need help... ;_; Options

[*Uronacid*]

What do you do when you feel so needy... I feel like I'm such garbage... I don't know why. I'm even scared to feel this way, becuase I'm afriad of being myself sometimes... I'm so paraniod about everything... I think that the only reason i drank so much last night was to get these thoughts out of my head for at least one night...


I hate myself... and I have reasoning for it, but I can't talk about it becuase I'm afriad of holly not liking me, and thinking I'm a pussy... ugh... I get so scared and nervous the further I progress into a relationship... Man... I love her, but I feel the need to tear myself away becuase I'm so scared of her or anyone not likeing me and just leaving... I feel like I just need to accept it, and I just let things go a little bit so i can distance myself, but now that I saw her in person it's so difficult... :[ I'm going insane... I have crazy thoughts. Sometimes I even think that if I do terrible things I will feel like she likes me more... I don't think she ever knew how f**ked up I am... This is the area of my life that I'm so afriad i could never clean up... everyone girlfriend I have ever had has let me go at this piont... It's not what I want... Sometimes I feel like telling her not to do things just so she will be rebelious and do them anyways so I can feel like she really cares, but I just know that if i tell her not to do something she won't do it... God, help me... I'm so paranoid right now... I don't want to call her either... The way I'm feeling makes me too scared... I feel as if the only reason I'm calling her is to get this sense of security... Is that using someone? I want to keep everything inside becuase I'm afriad that if I tell her things and show that I am scared that she will push me away and not like me anymore... I'm also afriad that if I don't talk about it she will sense my being nervous and not like me becuase she will feel like I'm hiding something... I'm so nervous and I feel so trapped... I need to find a way out...

I keep thinking to myself... Sometimes I calm down, I get my head straight, and I call her, Even then its difficult... I want to say something, but the fear of her not liking me and the pain that comes with rejection keeps meeeefrom even being able to think of what I really need to say... I hate myself so much... I wish I just didn't exist somtimes so I didn't have to think about all this stuff... It really tears me apart inside. Man, up until now my head has been screwed on tight... Why now? Why do I always have to get paranoid... I have so many friends in real life... Why don't I talk to them about it? I know... Because I don't like talking to them about my relationsihps... They aways tell me to do the wrong things... UGh... Sorry this is so complicated... Maybe it's complicated, becuase i feel complicated. Maybe to understand me you have to read this whole message, and feel so confused you want to shoot youself right in the head. Not because you're depressed... you just want to stop the thinking... You wish that for once you could find peace... You know, I did feel peacful with I was right there with her *happiness for a brief second :]*... sometimes people tell me to just stop thinking... I can't, and I wish I could...

I wish I could find someone as paraniod and as insane as I am... :[

Please... I really need someone to reply... every second that I wait I think of more things to wright (I wish I could spell)... I wish someone could just step inside my brian and take a look that way they could understand me... Of course, they would be tripping all over the place... I imagine it would be this spider web of tangled thoughts... That's how I feell inside my brain... She loves me, but how? How can anyone love someone who is so f**ked up... I don't even feel like I have the right to feel f**ked up becuase there are so many people out there that have it worse than I do... Maybe that's why I never create topics on this board... Becuase I feel selfish when I do it... Why should anyone post there problems on createblog... It's like this place where people have this finnal despresate cry for help so they can feell normal, recieve and use advice from someone that may or maynot have any moral values, or relate to someone who lives over 1000 miles away... I say that, and yet I'm doing the same thing... I think about anything and everything... every possible choice and every possible outcome all in a matter of seconds... When making a descision... even the smallest descision I feel someone planted a weed in my head, and it's rapidly growing... TAKEING OVER EVERY INCH OF MY f**king BRAIN!!! Sometimes I wish someone could just say something that I haven't thought of about the subject that I think about... I wish someone could just totally prove my brain wrong just so that it would just shut... up...

These are my thoughts... if someone could please make some sense out of them... I'm loosing my mind...