"It's your shyness and fear that's preventing you two to be together", Sigh* & it's the truth, right? Options

[seremela_culnamo]

Long post. Sorry, but it won't make sense if it's all chopped up. & I'm desperate to get other peoples opinions, other than just my friends.

Long story short, I have been crushing big time on my friend, Dean, who I have known for seven months, but liked him for 8 months. Well technically, I liked him every since the beginning of last school year, but I'm a really shy person so even though his locker was pratically next to mines and he was in my chemistry class, I never had the courage to approach him.

Well of course I know him now, but things haven't been going smoothly again. It's all my fault, and I hate the fact that he blames or at least feel it's his fault for the way I feel towards him. We have been on and off about our friendship during the first semester. The thing is, is that the things we do, it's make people go "aww" and say stuff like, "thats what couples do!" It's not mushy, but it's just that we care alot about each another, and in some way, we are physically close. Sometimes it's not intended, but we both don't mind.

So after being pissed off on my birthday that he didn't even call to wish me a happy birthday, since he couldn't come for he was planning to go to his best friend's party ever since 3 months ago, I tried to let it go. Only to find out from one of my best friends that he never called because he accidently deleted his cellphone number list a few weeks ago. I wouldn't have been disappointed about it that much, but hey, he memorized my number. I only knew because he actually told me and said it, which is why I remembered his cellphone number afterwards. I'm such a dope.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, I don't know what to do anymore. For the past 2-3 months, I have been putting up with the act that I'm fine and pretending that I don't like him anymore. Well that didn't work because he knew I still had feelings for him. He said he would talk to me about it when my friend pointed out that the last and only time we opened up to each another, it was so long ago, anything could've happened over the course of almost 3 months.

So everyday, I tried harder to put up the act that I am fine whenever he's around. Once he's not there, I go back to my depression mood. Well eventually he started to figure out something is really wrong. I never thought he would notice, but I guess he does notice whenever I'm around, even if he doesn't pretend he does. Or how I found out yesterday, that he's always going up to my best friend and asking her about me. Like, "what's wrong with her?...did i do something wrong?...why is she so upset?...what can we do?" and whatnot.

Every since yesterday, I have gone back to ignoring him and pretending he's not there. I know it's disrespectful, but I don't want to talk about it because I'm afraid, and I don't know what to say anymore. Obviously my feelings towards him haven't changed at all, and that's why it's hard for me to remain good friends with him. Especially considering the fact that everytime in the past, whenever I had a crush on someone and I knew them and/or they knew about them, I would avoid them as much as possible. Sounds bizarre, I know. Everyone's been trying to figure out what's wrong, too. After all, when someone is crushing on someone, they will find whatever way to talk to their crush, right?

But I'm not. It's just different. Everything is different between him and I, compared to everything that has happened in the past with all my crushes. For once, he's different and the closest I have ever came to experiencing anything close to a relationship. So people's been saying that things can work out with me getting over him by at least talking to him about it. While others say that the only reason why we aren't together is because I'm way too shy and I'm scared of what can happen. I'm just scared of what will happen if we do talk and for the fact that I cannot get over him. I have even tried to turn my attention towards someone else, but that doesn't work and I try to do things that will make me forget him for even an hour, but it doesn't help much.

I'm just really stuck right now. I don't know what to do. Whenever he's not around, I will be willing to talk to him. I even get a friend to come along to force me to talk to him, rather than taking off. But once I see him or in the presence where I knew he will soon be due, I freak out. I will hide behind others, beg my friend not to talk to him or make him talk to me, or simply do whatever I have to do quickly and make a run for it.

Even today, it was the perfect opportunity to talk to him. Nobody was around the end of the school area during lunch. Like I was walking down the hall, saw him up ahead so I ran downstairs and decided to go back up the other way. But he was on the other side of the staircase that I was planning to go up, and he called me. He kept on calling, so I just turned around and faced him. He goes, "tiff..what's wrong?". I didn't even look at him. I know I wouldn't like it because whenever he sounds like that, it kills me because of what I'm doing to him. So I just spun around, and started walking off quickly, and eventually ended up running out the door and wandered off the school bounds.

What should I do? I know nobody is an expert, but I really need to get over this fear. Like this entire thing, it's ruining my already low self-esteem and confidence even further. Whenever I see him, I just feel guilty. After that, I feel retarded for not confronting him. So basically I'm having real trouble of trying to talk to him when it's clear to everyone that he wants to talk. After all, like my friend said, he's the pursurer when I'm the one liking him. I have no clue what he thinks or feels towards me anymore. I never knew, but this is just getting worse.

Any advices welcomed