Createblog Diary, Version 8.0 Options

[priyas]

Dear cb Diary,

they broke up. i feel sorry happy for them. I know its mean to feel that way, but he is my first love, and I've known him longer than anyone.


I feel sad.

Nope. I feel------ !!!!

[*lolita kitty*]

Dear cb diary,

Well if today wasn't the strangest day, I don't know what is.

So you see, Cami spent the night, we we wanted to go out, so today around 3 we left for jamba juice. While we were there she called her boyfriend and asked him to meet us over there. He did, but it was sort of a long wait.

Anyways, the three of us basically walked around that area and talked and stuff.

After about two hours, we finally headed home. Long story short, I didn't get home on time, and my dad was pissssssed. So was Cami's mom. She said she was trying to call my house and stuff, and my dad said he didn't know where we were. So they basically go tinto a small argument, which was really embaressing for me and Cami.

-_-
- Cassie

[*Intoxique*]

Dear cB Diary,

I though that when school ended I would be away - far away from the drama. But of course, it didn't. Even though I am not seeing those bitches anymore there is still plently of drama. Mainly eDrama. Stupid eDrama.
Okay, recap of this week's past drama. So appearently Stef & I got into a fight were I accused her or doing something that she didn't do. Bullshit, that bitch was pretending to be Lorenzo. So then 2 nights later she brings up all this, after we agreed to drop it. Then eventually after like 3 hours of screaming at each other. I finally drop it because it was pointless shit. Now tonight, I was looking around Nexopia & I see a picture & under it, it's say "f**k You Aliza'. Honestly like what the eff. She's f**king asking for it. Gah, I still pissed about it but I don't wanna start any more shit so I'll just pretend I never seen it. f**king immature, why the f**k would she bring up something like 3 days old. c**t. Gahhh.
Okay, so yes. I am entering high school with probably a different group of friends now because I am sick of that bitch. Oh wait- scratch that. No friends. -sigh- Damn, me for being so picky when choosing. Eh, whatever. I just don't wanna be around that c**t.

- Liz.

[*jooleeah*]

Dear cB Diary,
CAMP..tomor...scratch that, today.

Finally somewhere that I can get away from this mess.

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Wow...he made my day. But...its so hard to contain myself! Ahh! But I have to. Sigh. Anyways...yeah.
I know one thing for sure...timing in life hates me, but ah well. Theres only so much luck I can have I suppose. *shrug*

[Jane Doe.]

...

I hate the fact that my feelings of anger are stronger than my feelings of happiness. It has nothing to do with something troubling me personally--people just piss me off. Why, oh why do I feel the need to scream at every person who says something I deem 'thoughtless'? I think I'm a hypocrite; aren't I condescending [in thought] towards others?
In order to do that I'd have to have some sort of confidence, I know, but maybe I am just so stuck on making people see what I see, I get so angry because I can't say it. I can't say anything to them or I can't even possibly try to convince them otherwise. Yes, I do realize I am a horrible debater, and yes I do realize I am not the most intelligent, but to just be able to see how others think before I completely abandon any admiration I may have had for them and to just hope that they can understand what I'd say..would be nice. Yes, nice. I know--my mind just went blank.
The nightmares I keep having are troubling. I'm either dead or longing for sex. Weird.
The 'day dreams' I have are much worse, actually. The situations I put myself in--such as abuse, abandonment, lust, rape, and others--should be nightmares, not 'letting my mind wander' moments. Weird. Really weird. I feel like I have the most control of them, so I should think of "nice" things, eh?
I'm not sad or anxious. I don't really feel anything right now. I feel like I'm on cruise control or something.
Hmm. I hate all of these 'personalities' I have. Damnit, I should stick to one.

[SarahxJoy]

Dear cB Diary,

So it is very possible that we won't be able to see each other this week, which will ultimately in the end: suck. I hate how plans fall through..and how other things can get in the way of other things. This just..sucks.

Hopefully Thursday..somehow someway we can find some time to see each other. Talking on the phone a lot helps though, but it's still not the same. He knows how much this means to me too, considering my previous relationship. I miss him so much. :(

Agh, phooey!

Sarah Joy

[Mr. Me Too]

Dear CB Journal,


If you were me , you would love me too.

Sincerely yours

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

I think I've figured it out. I don't like him like that (duh) but I am fond of him. He reminds me of a strange cross between J, A, and F...haha, but I am also strangely fond of one of my new girlfriends from Xtina's practices...but yeah, I think its just cause I haven't made any really new friends in sooo long that I kinda...latched on. I'm weird like that. But yeh...so I feel better now. That was my epiphany after I had a wierd dream that I don't even remember anymore. So yeah.
But practice today was fun...we finished the damn dance! But...its really messy...and needs work...and some people still weren't there today...ahhhh. Yeah. We gotta get it good for Saturday...I'm a tad worried but I do hope we pull it off...and apparently I'm singing now with Cam...yikes. I hope I can pull that off too.

[*Freaky Krazer*]

Dear Cb diary,

I don't know why but I realized how much I hated my sister today. It wasn't that she was being a pain in the ass or anything. It was that she was trying to be "my sister". She tries to rub it in that we were sisters and no matter what we could never hate each other. I found that untrue.

It was this thought I had. My sister was just any human being. What makes her so "special" is that we were the same blood. To me, however, having the same blood means nothing. Oh look we're related! Big woot!

No that means nothing to me. All it means is that your parents either had sex before or after you were born (in this case before... thank god). I have this belief that sisters are just there to challenge you for three things. I swear to god!

First, they challenge your trust. Older sisters... heck it doesn't matter if they're younger actually... they have their own secrets. Ever have those moments when you walk in on a sibling who's getting intimate with someone? Well yeah I didn't exactly walk in but my sister is just dying to tell me about it like I'm her best friend. And the conclusion to every story was "don't tell mom and dad". If I did tell my parents that would say something about how trustworthy I am. I didn't exactly care though. I didn't use them to black mail her or blab them out. I just never spoke of her stories. The only time I did was when my mom asked if her friend was gay.

Second, they challenge your loyalty. In front of her friends, my sister would pretend I was dust. But at home she would act as if she's been by my side 24/7. It's funny and at times when someone goes against her like our parents, she would count on me for support. All I would was ignore her, though. I basically didn't care. I guess I was both disloyal and loyal. I mean I never exploited her neither did I support her.

Third of all, they challenge your stupidity. I swear, when sisters have nothing to do, they'll look for something to spite you or things that can rile you up and in the end you'd feel pretty stupid for getting pissed in the first place. Like when she made fun of my violin playing. She called me a nerd and I had a rage blackout afterwards. Honestly, that was stupid.

I guess you can say things just happen like that. I don't know...

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

I overthink things way too much. And I keep upsetting myself like that.
And my mother is being a nosy bitch and its pissing me off. f**k. I want to move out so badly and just get away and be fully independent...godammit. I'm so sick of this. I better be able to do all the stuff I have planned in the next weeks...

[SarahxJoy]

Dear cB Diary,

Dr. Grover's office called me today, and they said I have to re-schedule my appointment in getting my x-rays done. Ugh. This is annoying, because I was supposed to have my x-rays done tomorrow, but now they want me to change it. I already had t re-schedule my MRI scan yesterday from today to the 24th, and now re-scheduling tomorrow's appointment is just dumb. The lady over the phone didn't even give me a reason as to why I have to change it again, and I even asked. Dumb biatch.

I hate having to see doctors.

Sarah Joy

P.S. 3,666th post.
..just kidding. :)

[Looow]

Dear cB Diary,

We're over & I do miss him. Every time he hugs me .. I miss his scent. I can't explain it. .. & I hate it how those guys already assume I'm ready for a relationships with other guys. The fcukk .. No. It's not that I still completely have feelings for my ex .. it's soo soon. People hella be hatin thinking I'm a ho. I wish they really knew how I was ..

[pinacoolada]

Dear CB diary,

I'm so confused. Yes, I've improved from Sunday and yes, I've gotten rid of the initial shock due to the break-up, but now it just feels empty. It's like, I miss him..and I want him back..but not as much as I did before. I guess I'm just sad because I do want him back and I know that even if we get back together, things wouldn't be the same. Sometimes the thing that's best for you hurts.

I'm so scared about sleeping tonight and waking up all empty tomorrow after I dream about him. Mornings and late nights are the worst for me. But I am going to get through this. I've already recovered much faster than I though I was going to. After this though, I want to be friends with him. He's a good friend to keep.

[SarahxJoy]

Dear cB Diary,

I'm happy! David and I still get to see each other, 'cause he's willing to go with me to my appointment in getting x-rays. Then afterwards we'll go back to my house and just hang out there doing whatever. I can't wait to see him, 'cause it sucks not being able to see him at all this week. Blahh. But Monday will make up for it. :) And we have a song.

I just got off the phone with Quincy, he called me telling me he finally has a cellphone. We were on the phone and I was asking for his new number, and he out of nowhere said: "WHOA! You can check your contacts while you're on your cell?" Wow..I replied with, "Uh huh, welcome to the twenty-first century."

Sarah Joy

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

f**k it. f**k it all. I figured with high school the drama would be over with, but of course not. f**k. I hate you all. Agh. Not in the mood for this bullshit right now. Thanks for telling me, but I don't even know YOU that well, so what if you think that too? Fal;sdjfaevb. You all suck. I'll show you...godammit. Piss off.

[Jane Doe.]

"Dear cB diary,"

I think I'm actually sick with something physical this time. Lovely. At least I'm not making up the symptoms.
And I'm sick of talking. I'm sick of thinking that saying how I feel is a healthy thing [for me].
Others do it better and they actually have something to say. All I do is put together words I think "would fit." That's not conversing, it's not writing, or being intelligent--it's just plain babbling. I BABBLE. SOYMG. What can I do? How can I become a functioning person? HOW? Tell me I'm effing going insane here.

"I'm not this bad, I swear"--I'd like to respond to the above with that, but it's not worth the time. And I want someone to explore sexually. Yup. Random, eh? I must rid myself of this body. Dootdootdootdoot.

My head hurts, I'm temperamental, and I'm lonely.
What the hell else is new?

[*Freaky Krazer*]

Dear Cb Diary,

My family is complicated. I think too much like a mom when it came to them. I didn't understand what was so hard about just listening. The whole night I talked with my siser about our past and our family problems. She loathed my mother for not being close to her and for thinking so lowly of her. Now she wants to do sometihng so horrible, mom might notice she f**ked up on raising her. But that logic doesn't work. I know mom. If you just try to show that you're a "badass" mom won't realize her mistake. She'll just bring my sister down even more. I tried to tell her to just clean up her mess, but she never listened. Oh well...

I guess my mom is the most hated person in the family. I love her the most though along with my dad, but it seems my other siblings feel differently. My brother told her he wanted to go to Southern Connecticut University. However, with the tuition my mom couldn't afford. My brother's hopes were crushed and he threw a tantrum at her. Then my mom just started yelling at him saying how ungrateful he was. I must say, mom could've been a bit more understanidng. My brother was still adolescent. She should know that he has his hopes and dreams too.

Either way my brother decided to be a grown up about it. He went to mom and apologized. "Mom, I'm sorry for yelling. I just... wanted to go to Southern..."

I could tell by the tone of his voice, and the look on his face he was hoping my mom would just hug him and say, "It's okay, I love you." But she didn't. She said, "Well I can't afford it!"

I guess that's depressing, especially with my brother. Mom never showed love for him, seriously. Ever since he entered high school those "I love you"s just... went away. And as a kid, hearing my mom say that was just... unbareable. I'm just glad she wasn't like that to me, but everything would be a lot nicer if she did show she loves him.

[Jane Doe.]

"Dear cB diary,"

Uhm. Here I am again.

So, I'm full of excuses, huh? I've been told I was since I was very young, but I just thought I expressed my reason for whatever could be happening. So I'm scared. That's pretty much it.
I would love to get a job. I would love to learn how to socialize with co-workers and customers, to have the responsibility and do well, to actually acquire experience in managing my time and fending for myself. My own doubts and endless excuses keep me from doing this and much more. I'm waiting for someone to help me, but no one will just come to me and show me "the way," so screw this. It ends now. I don't have to plan things out meticulously if I'd even dream of doing them. I don't need to tell others of my plans in hopes they'd support me or say the right thing--they won't. I just need to act. I can do these things and not a single person has to support me. These are my choices, my actions, my needs--and no one has to know what I want and what I need. It makes me more vulnerable, really.
I'm sick of making excuses for others and feeling like I'll let someone down if I don't do this or that.
It ends now, damnit.

If I want to move things around in my room, must I check with someone else? If I want to go to the gym, change my eating habits or something similar, need I tell someone about it?
If I have to cut my hair very short and dye it another color do I have to go out looking for advice? No, it's my head, my room, my brain, my body and my own actions--and I take full responsibility for it all.
Let me go out to the library scouring for authors that are way above my puny intellect; let me go and search for musicians I never would have listened to; let me go out and buy a freakin' apple for a health smoothie for f**k's sake--I'd just like to accomplish even the smallest task.

We'll see. I've a lot to do.

[pinacoolada]

Dear cB Diary

I am so confused right now. Should I get back with him? Wouldn't it be awkward after all that we've done? Well I guess we could casually date for a while..

My friends are being annoying. Makes me wonder why I'm friends with them in the first place.

- rachelle

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Createblog Diary,
I wish I would realize what I have more often.

I'm so lucky. But why am I so down? Maybe it's the after-camp effect.

[*chaneun*]

Dear cB Diary,

I feel like I don't even get any privacy in this house.
1. My parents took away my bedroom door for no reason, yet they let my brother keep his.
2. The only other room I stay in is the computer room and everyone keeps coming in and staying here for no reason. I keep the door closed because usually when it's open a family member sneaks up behind me to read my IMs without my knowing, and they keep leaving it open. And my brother keeps yelling at me for leaving the door closed. AND HE ALWAYS LEAVES IT CLOSED OMGGG.

I feel like no one even cares for my health in this house. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon because there was nothing good in the house worth eating, and my mom knows I need ingredients to cook stuff or she makes food for me to eat. She only leaves my OLDER BROTHER stuff and says that since I'm a girl I can find stuff and make food for myself. THERE'S OBVIOUSLY NOTHING. I go outside at midnight for a walk/jog and I tell my parents and they don't even say "oh stay safe" or even "bring mace with you."

Nothing I do is good enough for anyone. I TRY to make my parents proud of me, but nothing makes them proud. I mean, on my standardized test scores, my math score was 134/136. THE ONLY THING THEY SAY IS "YOU SHOULD STUDY MORE. THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH."

And now they're forcing me into counseling because of my brother claiming I need it? Why should I go talk to someone I don't even know and rant to them if they're getting paid? They have no heart, to me. Seriously. A best friend (Angela) is MUCH more effective and cares a lot more than some bullshit "professional."

I can't wait until summer of 2010 so I can move out FAR AWAY FROM HERE.


-Christine

[SarahxJoy]

Dear cB Diary,

Out out out. I need to get out of this house. Even for an hour. That'll do me some good. But what I really want to do, is go on the road and drive. Where? Who cares. I know I've got a destination. I just..have to find it.

Sarah Joy

Music is good to me.

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Last night was interesting to say the least. I had fun and I didn't at a few times but ah well...in general, it was a good night. The dance went well, as did the song with Cam. I watched the video recording earlier and I actually didn't sound as bad as I thought. I was happy when they said we did really well and all...especially some of the specific comments I got. It was great. When he was being all moody though I got kinda upset but oh well...dancing with the other people was fun.
I hope Friday works.

[Jane Doe.]

"Dear cB diary,"

I swear I'll not put quotation marks around that phrase one day. Anyway.

Even though I have a handful of amazing people around me, offering to listen to me and care, I still feel very lonely. Why?
I am the quintessential[?] depressive person, I know. I say I want change, I say I want knowledge, experience in living, people around me, stories to tell--but all I do is lay in bed. I don't move unless it's to sit on the floor or desk chair, to use the bathroom or sometimes to roam around the house. That's it. That's mostly what my day consists of. I decline invitations to go out and I lay around tapping my fingers on the walls to see if I can make some new discovery about myself and others.
But that's all I do. I've spent nearly three or more years doing this.
I've spent countless hours imagining things that would make me so happy; like going on a trip with a friend or two, or just dressing up like something "different" than me, or just to lay around with a significant person in my life.
Being read to. Being needed by someone. I can't say this anywhere else or it may be taken personally.
I always needed people, but for once, I'd like to be needed. Let someone cling to me for once.
But that'll never happen.
Blah blah blah. Finish school and lose weight. That's all I will be able to accomplish in my short life. And..it should be okay with me.
Yeah, yeah.
People, beauty, health, art, love, intellect and the like, are things I will never be able to acquire. I should accept that. It's just not meant for me.
Yeah.
..How's that for a depressive rant?
Yeah, I'll stop coming in here.

Sorry.