Createblog Diary, Version 8.0 Options

[GREASEbaby]

Dear cb Diary,

I'm such a dork. I need to get away from the computer because all I have to write about has to do with being online.

God, help me.

[*jooleeah*]

auntysandy: because boys suck. :[ the end. i love you sandy <333 tell me who's being a bastard because i'll e-bitch at them for you. you have been there for me and this time i'll be there for you =)

dear cb diary,
spring break will be over soon. that means i'll be back to hell in no time.

[KELLYYY]

Dear cB Diary,

Spring break! Anyway, the school year is coming to an end pretty soon. There are so many things I need to get together for the chinese school graduation. Can't wait.

Yee!

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
it amazes me how sometimes i spill my heart out onto this tiny little forum topic. i guess just don't care about how public this diary is. i just need my emotions to get out. anyway...

so i've come to realize that i overanalyze. i overanalyze A LOT. i put things into strong consideration before doing anything drastic..especially when it comes to boys. boys, boys, boys. goddamn. i realize that i'm too picky, and too choosy when it comes to liking someone. this is why i feel so lonely sometimes. this is why i'm almost never fully content. isn't that terrible? i wish i weren't like that. i wish it were like the old days where i didn't have to think too much about liking someone. i just know that i overanalyze because i want this "someone" to be perfect; no flaws. but isn't that impossible? why can't i fully understand that? i'm so fxcking difficult. this is so sad. oh so sad.

i also wish i weren't disappointed so easily. i hate disappointment. dissapointing others..disappointing myself...being disappointed in others. it just sucks. it really does. i expect things to get worse each time but when they actually do, i go even crazier or even more sad.

my personality sucks. bad qualities. blah. AHHH. i'm going to go insane.

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
Needless to say, I'm totally confused and torn. Go figure, right? Well I don't know anymore. I want him so badly. God, I want HIM no one else, just him. I love him. I miss him. Him, him, him. However the bastard doesn't get that and because he smokes so much damn weed, his brain is f**ked up. I can't sit here and constantly feel like shit because he doesn't seem to give a damn about me. I know he does, he has to, right? It hurts too damn much to think that he doesn't after everything but at the same time it hurts to think that he does and that he'd still do this. I dont' get it. You know, guys like me. Wow, right? Last night I made out with some basically random guy. Tonight this cute boy came up to me to tell me I was really cute. Other guys ask me out on dates. If other guys want me, how much more should he want me, y'know? We have a history together, we had so many great moments, so many memories, so much love, or so I thought... I don't know, I just don't get it. Part of me is like, okay, just leave it alone already. Go on dates with these other boys. Talk to other guys. Go out more. The other part of me is like, you can't. You need to wait for him. He needs you and he'll realize it soon. Just wait it out. Either way, both are so hard. I'm so torn. Either way I get hurt. EITHER WAY. It's a lose-lose situation. If I wait, I end up crying my eyes out every night. I end up feeling like shit and just constantly having him on my mind. If I don't wait though, he could come back and then I didn't wait...so it screws shit up more. And plus, everytime I am with another guy I can't help but wish it was him instead. Always, I always do that. It feels almost wrong to be with other guys because I feel like I'm cheating. Yeah, we aren't together but he has my heart still. I don't know what to do. I just know I'm sick of this but god damnit, I wish there was an easy f**king solution or that he would just come back already. I wish that I didn't fall so hard and that I didn't give him my heart. I should have held onto it like I was planning. I got myself into this. I hurt myself. I'm still hurting. Everyone gets their shit fixed. Look at those two. Drama, drama, drama, but they're still fine. Why aren't him and I fine?? WHY? Why does he f**k shit up so much? All he f**king does is smoke weed. I know why he does it. To get away from everything. To take away from all the pain and to make him feel "normal" and because every single one of his friends does it. I want to be there for him. Use ME to take away the pain, use ME to make you feel normal, Phillip. Why can't he just come back? Why does it have to be this hard? Why does God keep doing shit like this to me? Do you know I'm f**king angry with you God??? DO YOU KNOW? Of course you know - you know everything. Please, f**king enlighten me and tell me why you're doing this to me?! I dont' care about shit anymore except him. Maybe you're trying to teach me to stop caring so much about him but you're doing it the WRONG WAY. Why doesn't he miss me? I really don't get it. I must be a retard, right? I just don't understand. No one understands either. No one knows what's going on and everyone either tells me you gotta keep trying or to give the f**k up. It's not some clear cut bullshit answer like that, okay? If it was, I wouldn't have wasted, what?, seven months of my goddamned life feeling like this if I could fix it so easily like that. I just wish he'd talk to me. Why doesn't he want to talk to me? What is he thinking in that stupid, twisted, immature brain of his????? f**k THIS. I hate this. Yeah I do have fun. I can't say my whole entire life sucks. I get that I have these great friends and family. I GET THAT. I don't care. That means nothing to me when I have to live everyday knowing he doesn't want to talk to me and when I have to live everyday with this broken heart. UGHGhralkglkrjalkjgajklgrlakgj. And freaking prom. God damn. STOP WITH PROM. Leave me alone. I DONT WANT TO GO. OKAY? Get that through all of your heads and leave me alone. I'm not going in your group, I'm not going with you, I don't want to go dress shopping. Just stop. I'm not going unless I get a date and no one is going to ask me and besides I don't want to go with just anyone. Sorry I have standards and while I might sound a complete bitch I don't want to go with just a friend and I don't want to go with someone who is busted. SORRY. I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore. My head is spinning because I'm so sad and angry and frustrated. I keep saying I can't wait til college but what about college? f**k, I'm still gonna be heartbroken. Diary, why is Phillip doing this?
-Me.

[*lolita kitty*]

Dear Cb Diary.

I hate the feeling of being new to this place. It makes me not want to come here anymore.

I hate moms slow computer. DSL sucks butt.

- Cassie

[*rtc_nospeakenglish*]

While walking to Church today with my phony mother and overly-religious grandmother, I realized I haven't got a clue what to do when life comes and smacks me across the face. I think it might come next year.

Wish me luck, yo.

[NgocQuyen]

dear cB,
i'm a terrible person. no really i am, i'll admit to it. i'm going to attempt to become nicer. a better person so you'd say. i don't like who i am now so i'm going to change it. simple. =]

[xTINAA]

Dear cB diary,
I can't stop crying. Please, I want to stop crying. I've been crying basically all day. This is stupid. I'm so stupid. Why is this happening? Why doesn't he want to talk to me? What did I do? Why? WHy is he ignoring me? I don't get it...what am I supposed to do? Why, God, why?? Why does everyone come back? He came back to her, he came back to her, he came back to her. Why do they all try to fix things? After all that time, he is trying to fix things with her. WHY? I don't get it. I can't stop crying over this. Over everything. I'm a failure, a screw up. I f**ked up everything. Not just things with him but with friends and with school. Just everything. f**k. I'm not going to get my IB diploma. God, I'm really not. f**k. I did this. Still, why? Why is he not talking to me...I love him and he doesn't even want to talk to me. Fuckkk. Why??
-Me.

[*lolita kitty*]

Chrissy
Ilu.

Dear cb diary,
I found this on myspace just now:

>SCORPIO
>Nice
>EXTREMELY sexy.
>Intelligent
>Energetic.
>Predict future.
>Most erotic.
>Freak in bed.
>GREAT kisser.
>Always get what they want.
>Sexy.
>Attractive.
>Loud.
>Loves being in long relationships.
>Talkative.

Haha. Awesome (I'm a scorpio, btw).

Just took 143980419814 pictures.
Blah.

- Cassie

[mylittleMiracle]

Dear cB diary,
i cant finish a simple step!just super simple but i still cant!=( i wana to cry because i must face the fact--im an idiot.my friends dont care for me and dont say ANYTHING.disappointed. i just want someone care for me...at least......

-Winnie

[maryissa]

Dear cB diary,

Afaid. Suckness Spring Break Ever!

Marissa

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
i hate it when i'm in this kind of mood.
i hate being f**king introspective. and i hate thinking about the damned past.
i hate feeling lonely. all the f**king time.

uhg.

you know, i finally realized why i've never had a serious boyfriend. it's because i'm too damned scared. scared that once he finds out that i'm not just that silly/friendly girl everyone thinks i am. scared that he's gonna find out that i'm just really a cold, mean, and bitchy girl on the inside. no boy could EVER prepare for that part of me. when i wish i just had someone to talk to, to be held, to be loved and all that shit, i realize that that's not reality. i don't think i'll ever find someone like that. it's seeming like it's impossible now.

sucks, doesn't it?
you know what else sucks?
pretending to be happy for someone else.
and you know what else?
these damned people keep on f**king bothering me to be "happy". i can't be happy if you're going to complain about how shitty i feel. i can't be happy if you keep on TRYING to f**king piss me off. i can't feel goddamned happy if you make fun of me. just shut the f**k up and leave me the f**k alone.

youknow, i look at all these girls at school when theyre passing by me through the hallways with their boyfriends. most of them are just whores and sluts [i use that word rarely] who go out with a different guy each day. what makes them so lovable? what makes them good enough to go out with? what makes them be good enough for their hands to be held, for the bodies to be hugged, for their boyfriends to say "i love you" to them each and every single day? am i just the kind of person who doesn't deserve that kind of stuff? am i not as lovable as they are? i'll admit it. i am jealous. but who wouldn't be when you're feelnig this damned lonely?

why can't i get that feeling where you like someone? i haven't liked someone in so long. what am i goddamned waiting for? nothing, i guess. i just don't find anyone i know around me interesting enough to like. no, it's not that. it's just..i don't like anyone. and it really sucks. AHSDKFHSDKHSDFKH.

i'm so bitter. it's terrible, isn't it?
whatever. i'm just ranting and being bitchy right now. i'll come back later.

[Teesa]

Dear CB Diary,

Hello. I guess right now, I am doing okay. Grades aren't the best, but I am just worrying about tests right now. I am hoping to pass all of them nicely.

I am really surprised that I got asked to prom. I was expecting to be single and be dancing with my friends like the past few years. But I am very happy to be going to it with him. He really is a great guy. I just don't know why he would ask me and not some other girl. But prom is really stressing me out right now. I thought I had a dress, but I want to find a better one, so I have to hit the stores again this weekend. I couldn't find anything today. It was so dumb and I am mad. But if I can't find anything this weekend, I'm sticking with my original dress, I guess.

Right after school, I went to drop off my camera. Whoo, I haven't been there in a while. I didn't see him, so right when I looked over, I saw him. Haha, it was kind of weird. So I couldn't leave without him seeing me as well. I walked over there and talked to some people and he kind of stopped by and left. *sighhhhhhhhhhhh* I hate life sometimes. I hate it a lot.

--Teesa

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Createblog Diary,
So, yeah. I feel better now. All I needed was a quick shower.
Today, I got my Hayao Miyazaki OST set for Spirited Away and Princess Mononoke. I think that's what made this day completely better.

Ah. I hate being so materialistic sometimes, but at least I'm somewhat happy.

[mylittleMiracle]

Dear Createblog Diary,

i feel quite.........since i have best friends in the world<3,i cant satnd for teh pressure that is given by my stuid mun......
what can i do??
anyway,thz or listening to me!
-winnie

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary...

Augh. I hate this. I'm the most paranoid, horrid girl ever. I hate this. I hate her. I hate the thought of them spending time together...and this time, its not out in publice even...she's going to be at his house...ugh. I know nothing is going to happen but I have this bad gut feeling about her possibly liking him...could just be me being stupid but AUGH.

I hate this.

[redpeony]

dear cB diary,

Last night was so, so, so amazing. After school went to sushi with ----- and ---- and then came home, booked a limo and headed out to go take family photos. Grandpa was feeling sick so we didn't end up doing it but we all went out to dinner and I got to hang out with my lovely cousins. After that ---- called and asked where I was and he came to pick me up.. then we went to his house for a while to watch the rest of the game and hung out with his family for a bit. Then we went back out and rented a movie and went to my house to watch it. I changed into my pajamas so basically I looked like crap =) We had it on on my comp and we were lying in bed and the movie was boring so eventually I started to doze off. He had his arm around me so gently and he kept kissing my cheeks and whenever I opened my eyes he was just there looking at me. And whenever he saw me open my eyes he whispered for me to keep sleeping. At one point he told me he had to leave because he was waking up early tomorrow but when I half-conciously and selfishly told him I wanted him to stay, he did. And then he told me he loved me. And I knew he meant it. Because 3 months ago we were having an argument and he said that he didn't feel like he really knew me. So I told him he wasn't allowed to say it anymore until he meant it, and he held it off until this week, while we were on the phone and he told me how he felt about me as a person. It was so incredibly flattering.

I think what made this feel extra special is the fact that we've been working on this relationship for so long... all of our doubts, fights, insecurities... it's like we've now reached a happy medium. The talk we had on affection made us much more comfortable physically and beyond that we are just so much more free with each other now. I love cracking jokes with him and making fun of each other.

I don't know where we will be with this relationship next year but all I know is that I'm enjoying every moment of it and I am so crazyyyyy about him.

I'm off to snowboard in a few hours with the friendzies. Tomorrow I'm going to get my dress fitted and then Sunday is the baptism. Ahhhhhhh. I'm a little nervous. But I just need to really set my sights upon Him... and remember what my life is really about.

[*lolita kitty*]

Dear cb diary,

I can't f**king take this. My head is pounding at me like a rock right this moment. It's been hurting for the past 3 hours. It's midnight- easter. I should be alseep right now. But I can't sleep, because of my f**king head. It's not just a regular pain. It's in the back of my head, the front, top, bottom, you name it. I can't cry, yawm, sneeze, grunt, or do anything that messes up my breathing. Why? Because it only makes my head hurt even worse. The minute I stand up I get all dizzy and fall down again. My stomach is starting to hurt from all of the pain stress and sh*t. I haven't felt like this in a really, really long time. I tryed advil, putting a cold washcloth on my head, everything.
And to think, mom still continues to smoke in front of me, even when my f**king head hurts so f**king bad. She is such an idiot. I hate visiting her. I've told her a million times: the smoke gives me a headache.
I just want to take her box of ciggarettes and throw it at her.
But she doesn't care.
And my head still hurts. Along with my stomach.

- Cassie

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
i have no courage. haha. jose's right, i have no self confidence.

it's not like anything would've happened, anyway. i just wish i could've gotten the guts to get to know him better. blarr..

i want to go to kroger.

[NgocQuyen]

dear cB,
as i find my world slowly rising to the peek of happiness, i slip and decline quickly to where it all started. i am not happy. i want it to be fixed....but how? this is a question longing to be answered...i wish i was content.

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
so i came home early today because of this huge headache. how terrible.

why'd my dad have to tell me this morning? why couldn't he just tell me afterschool? at least i wouldn't have had to go through the day pretending like nothing was wrong and i was just tired. god. i really hope she's okay. i feel horrid. i'm the worst granddaughter in the world...

[*mzkandi*]

Dear Cb,

Today begins a new chapter of our lives. I know everything will be alright.....

[*Zatanna*]

Dear cB,

The recurring theme of my life lately is that I just can't seem to do anything right. No matter what I do or try to do, there's always something I've done or said that's either wrong, stupid, unfeeling, lazy, etc. I just find myself wondering why I even try anymore. I understand that criticism is good, but I feel like I'm perpetually being either corrected or put in my place. One person can't always be in constant error. I just wish people would be a little patient, perhaps try to see where I'm coming from. I know that I shouldn't take everything personally, but some things you just can't help but take personally. I have a lot going on in my life right now. Losing my confidence is not something I can afford to lose right now and I feel it (my confidence) beginning to drain.

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Createblog Diary,
I am the most selfish person in the world.

GAH.

Also..
I'd like to learn Korean. And...I wish I weren't so hopeful.
And...a question..
Do dreams mean anything? :/