Createblog Diary, Version 8.0 Options

[NinjaxMageLayout...]

Dear CB diary,
Ugh my life is getting worse in worse,but im getting more and more happy....I HATE ACE,YU DAMN BUM,I HOPE YOU DIE ALONG WITH THE REST OF THOSE DAMN THUGS,GET OUT OF THIS AREA,YOU DONT LIVE HERE CUZ YU HAVE NO HOME,GO SOMEWHERE ELSE,YU DAMN BUM!oi i cant stand that boy..Well i found out im moving to PA,hallejuah but i will miss all my friends:Kristina,Dominic (not really cuz he pisses me off sometimes),i will definitly miss my cousin jessica because i dont know if she moving down there too,i will miss my sis in law but her and my brother are moving in together soon,I will surely miss my dad..But i dont think we are moving tilll i graduate from highschool.I mean i want to move so badly but not to pa,i was hoping to like the suburbs.But my cousin selena said its nice down there and its mad quiet where we getting house at,because she is moving next to us.So its going to be

-Me and my little sister and my mom in one house.
-Selena and jessie and my little god sister in another.
-My aunt denise,my cousin jessica in another.
-Miriam in one house with jesenia whom i cant stand.
-My aunt delilah and marina in the other house.
And we are all going to be neighbors.But its going to be hard to separate from my friends.Ill miss my bff but me and her go in 2 different directions.Im closing my self in revealing my self more and more of who i really am which is Quiet,Crazy,Cold,Evil.But not goth ew.And her more outside more free and with other people who is like "family"to her.what ever i dont care.I hate this place more each and every day.But what will i do if i cant see my papi?Ill miss him,hes my dad,i could never say good bye.But im not an emotional person,only on some things.Im weirder than most peoples average lives.Heh the irony.Well tomorrow is my senior trip ^___^ YAY!i wont be back from conneticut till 9 at night.My cousin will be on my computer luckily since i was so kind to let her be on it while i will be away tomorrow because she is sleeping over.Im kinda stressed out.Every damn day people say "whats wrong,you look depressed"and when i say nothing is wrong they nag me and nag me,and then they become my problem because its ANNOYIGN AS HELL when people nag you about whats wrong.Especially with me because im crazy and friend or not if i had a gun i'd shoot you right there and then on the spot without a single feeling of regret if you ever naged me or pissed me off so much in my life.Yep see i told you im cold and evil.Ugh i hope those damn hoochie mama's at the prom at the moment are having a bad time.Probaly the girls fought eachother cuz they all hypocrites in my school.and i hate 99% of my school except for karen,laura,kristina,david,and dominic.The rest can go to hell for all i care,which i dont care MUAHAHA.

-sigh,I cant wait to start me and bff's gaming/cartoon/system making thingy.I dont want to call it a company cuz it makes me think as if we dont do none of the work and we have hired people make the stuff.WHICH IN GODS NAME WILL NOT HAPPENWe are going to be making the games and cartoons not the workers.They will just be there to help out you know?Well what else do i have on my mind right now...Hmm....well actually nothing really but except how much i hate ace and the rest of the gangs/thugs in this damn world.My brother said when he becomes a full cop because he passed his cop test on the first try,that even if he loses his job and has to go to jail for this,he will shoot all them no matter what.And actually i've been thinking about something about people and what they think of me..

-People around here and see me as the kid you may think is stupid or wont defend himself if he gets in a fight because he barely goes outside and is quiet really.Well they better think again.i can wipe out this whole area in which i live it in one intire night if i had a sword or a gun with alot of ammo.Im very stealthy and sneaky,along with :crazy enough to do it,evil,cold hearted,regret-less,and theres something about me that makes me completly different from everyone else in this world but only one person knows what it is and thats krissy.Some people are afraid of me because in my eyes all you will see if hate and anger.my eyes are like this ---> .Yep i dont raise my eye brows much unless i see a crack head about to bug me for money or if i see something really really gross.Well this is a long entry.But i feel good letting this out..

-They didnt call me Silent W[hisper] for no reason either..that goes for all the people who think of me in that kid i mentioned...

[*Intoxique*]

Dear cB Diary,

I feel like crying, I am such a f**king loser. I can never get everything right even if I try. Honestly, I f**k up everything in my life. I hate how every little thing that doesn't even matter makes me break down & cry. I cry so much now, I never use to cry & now I cry over everything. It's so sad.
My "friends" are being such bitches. Oh wait, I don't think they even consider me their friend. Woot woot, I am a f**king loner. I am entering high school with no friends. God, what the f**k is wrong with me. In September I was outgoing, fun, never afraid to get up infront of the class & say whatever is on my mind, I had tons of friends & I didn't have anything to worry about. Now I am like the sad little princess that lost everything. I am not outgoing & fun anymore, I am scared to talk to other people because I might say something wrong & I do not have friends. See, how much I can f**k up my life in a 8 month period? A lot. I wish I was the person I was before. God, thinking about that person makes me want to cry.
I wish that school was over so that I didn't have to face my so-called friends. I am so nervous about tomorrow. We are going to Playland for the whole day & probably no one is gonna want to partner up with me & I am gonna have to go on the rides alone. God, that's f**king sad. I wish tomorrow was summer so I wouldn't have to go back to that f**king place called "school".
Grad dinner/dance is also in 7 days & I am still fat as hell. I am gonna look like a fat lard in my grad dress. I am f**king huge, no guy is gonna want to dance with me. I'm gonna look like a cow in a dress that's wayyyyy to small for me because it didn't come in size extra supreme large.
I wish this would end.

- Liz <3.

[NinjaxMageLayout...]

Dear CB diary,
Ugh the trip to holiday hills was a disaster.I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MANY WHITE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE!Yo this one girl got me so pissed off cuz she was walking behind me when i was going up the stairs to the food center and she was talking saying "omg my boobs are like so big the guys were saying oh"THEY WERE LIKE MINI WATER BALLOONS.IM TIRED OF THOSE CONNECTICUT GIRLS THINKING THEIR SO DAMN HOT,when they are not.They can never do it like we do.Wow i just talked just wow...Anyway i had fun in the pool.It was alright but i sware on my life i was about to smack so many girls in that place.but the funny thing is that when all the black people came,they all RAN and looked at them,WTF they act liek they have never seen an african american before.What they to good to see them!?OMg and then this only white girl had to get in my way giving my friend laura a dirty look so she didnt move and laura was just saying excuse me so i got pissed and pushed laura through and said OMFG DAMN B-TCH CANT YOU MOVE DAMNIT WE SAID EXCUSE ME,and then they all looked at me.WHAT THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY,shoo.Thats how mad i am right now and how mad i was then.Then we went to the air tatoo place so 4 white girls were trying to look hot for some ugly typical white dude.((im not being racis,this is just how i talk))and they stood on line and when they made it to him they all got off.I JUST WANTED TO SMACK THEM SO BADLY!OI!

-The worst part is that i saw jose...for a minute we just got eye connection and everything froze then he smiled and all happy said whats up?you here too.I was so shocked he even said hi because before now ever since i stoped hanging out around the corner i havent spoke to none of the people over there and he acts like he a zombi and dont say hi to me at all.Then he wants to say hi,i just walked down the place to the pool section to get in the water.It was so much fun but those damn life guards nag soo much.

[iDecay]

So, the last 10 months of my life in 7th grade was all horrible. I've lost a lot of friends, and gained close to nothing. All I have been was nice, but what do I get in return? I get treated like shit. I've tried to be nice to the people who aren't the best looking. But, in return, all I get is "YOU f**king LOST MY PIC YOU BITCH. I WANT MY f**king PIC" Okay, so I never lost a freaking picture of an ugly person because I would probably throw it at them if it was that horrible. I try to act nice to the nerds, and in return, I am called "stupid" and told to "SHUT UP." I ran in 90 degree weather for the whole friggin day for a surprise party. I come back, hardly anything left for me. Yeah, the party wasn't for me sure, but why the hell did I run all over the place and planning everything when I come back and everything started without me? Seriously, I am so tired of all this crap from the people at my school. I am so not looking forward to next year.

/rant

Damn. I feel stupid.

[AngelinaTaylor]

Dear cB diary:

I used to feel loved and needed and all that.. I used to feel that I was important, that somehow I played an important role in his life. That all the things he told me were true. Now I don't feel anything. He tells me he loves me, but he doesn't show it.. I barely even get to talk to him, which is something I don't understand, since he's not as busy as he was before. Nothing's the same.. and I want it the way it used to be.. I really do..

Taylor``

[pshaa.shauna]

I'm annoying. I'm overly sensitive. I'm plain-looking. I'm a huge slacker. I'm hesitant. I have very little confidence in myself. I'm awkward. I'm creepy. I'm a terrible conversationalist. I can't drive, ride a bike, or rollerskate. I'm a slow thinker. I'm broken. I'm secretive. I'm timid. I have crappy taste in music. I'm alone. I fidget too much. I don't know how to cheer people up. I build walls around myself and unfairly expect people to knock them down. I'm a third wheel. I'm ignored. I'm wasting my time. I'm gloomy. I'm confused. I'm naive. I'm shy. My feet are ugly. I'm weak. I manage to screw up anything good that happens to me. I maipulate. I ignore people that way I don't get close and get hurt, but at the same time I want someone to talk to me. I'm stupid. The one time I shouldn't have listened I did. I want to run away. I want to disapeer. I want to die.

I can't breathe, oh my god I feel like I can't breathe.

[*jooleeah*]

Mmm...

blank. that is what I feel.

[AngelinaTaylor]

Dear cB diary:

I'm not gonna wait. I'm just not going to wait anymore. In fact, I should inform you that I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of wondering "what if" for so long. Is it worth it? What will happen? How long until I gain my sense of deliberation? Too long. I just want to feel something different than anger, hate and depression. I'm tired of this. And the thing is, I'm so used to this life.. it's pathetic. Truly pathetic. And I still wonder for the real essence of this long wait. Maybe it will turn out to be one dream, huh? Wouldn't that be ironic.

Taylor``

[Frostedflakes616]

Dear CB diary.

I want to get out of here. I'm starting to get sick of my dad. I just had a talk with my brother. He only told me that my dad really does love me, but just that I need to learn to really respect my parents. I don't know what I want to do anymore. I should be getting out of here.. but where can I go?

[*Intoxique*]

Tina - Awww doll, I know how you are feeling, my year has been shit too .

Dear cB Diary,

Two f**king days till grad dinner/dance. I got my dress already, but not the one I wanted, it's still nice though. I can't wait for school to be over. I can't wait for the drama & stupid shit to end. Woot woot, summer '06 baby.
I am a wreck right now but I got summer to fix my flaws. I got 2 month to lose 25lbs. I don't care if it hurt anymore. I spent this whole f**king year mad at myself because I wasn't satisfied with my body figure. Summer is gonna change it all. I can't wait for summer.

- Liz <3.

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
damn me. damn me. damn me.

[NERDFACE™]

dear cB diary,
thank god for music.
Correction: thank god for Screamo.
it drowns out my thoughts,and I don't have to think anymore.
and I don't care if I have to end up being the kid to ask grandma,
I will go to FCS next year,
even though I hate it so much.
I'm just too damn afriad to make new friends.

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Damnit all...what is wrong with me? Why am I crying again!? Fck. This is so stupid. It was such a tiny thing yet it killed me. Then he's back to the guy I love for the most part...AUGH. He said he'd try...and I know he cares but it just does not show sometimes...I don't know. He rarely says those words on his own too...and it means a lot for me to hear it from him on his own...I want him to understand that...but I hate sounding needy and all that stupid shit. FCKK...

[Looow]

Dear cB Diary,

It's been a long time since I've written. I usually wait till I havea lot to say so I make it worth it & very detailed. I haven't written here in like almost three months probably so time to update.

I've been with him for almost three months next week. Everything was really good in the beginning but things seem to be falling apart. See, I've never felt the way I feel about this boy towards anybody. I really care about him but I feel like somtimes he doesn't care about me the same way even though he says I just don't understand. I mean .. I guess maybe he does care but he can't show it. His dad doesn't make it any easy for us. He's such an a-hole. I can't talk to him on the phone or hang out with him except when he's with his mom every other weekend. I only got to see him at school but now school is over & what? I mean yeah I might see him at summer school if they allow me to stay but still .. I won't be with him during summer school. I just worry because .. I don't know. it's just too much. I don't think we'll survive this summer. There's just so much that piles up & overpowers the good in our relationship. I miss him so much right now but we're not allowed to see each other or talk to each other.

My sister is about to have her baby any minute. I gave up on watching out for her. She's twenty f**king years old. I'm tired of telling her to leave him alone & to have some dignity & not to let him keep treating her like shit. See, she wants me to be like her & forgive this motherf**ker. She's gt me straight up f**ked up. I don't like that lil bitch & I won't forgive him for a long time.

I don't give a f**k if it hurts him . Shittt. I'm glad. Now he undertands how I felt when I saw my SISTER cry like her world was about to end when he told her all that shit on the phone. I was right there! Listening to all he was saying & watching my sister cry. I was there when my sister was almost living on the street. She had nowhere to say because of him. & HE EXPECTS ME TO BE NICE? f**k that bullshit. got me fcuked up. that's it. i won't talk to her about that subject no more. I avoid it because it gets us nowhere & we end up arguing. She just doesn't understand that it's because I care about her & it hurts. He's not worth me getting into a fight with her in the first place.

My mom is due next month. Honestly, I don't understand how she's going to manage having another kid. She has no patience with US. How is she going to deal with another kid?

My mom & I are just not doing good. We get into fights probably everyday. There is no day when I don't get into a fight with her. It seems like I can't do shit right & she's ALWAYSSS PUTTING ME DOWN for everything that I do. She treats me like shit yelling at me all the time. She accuses me of turning into my sister but doesn't realize that she's doing the same thing that she did with my sis. Se esta encerrando no queriendo escuchar to anything that we are saying. I just wish I could talk to her about stuff. The other day my friend was telling me "My mom is like the ideal perfect mom. She's easy to talk to .. she is like this & this & this." I know she didn't say it to make me feel bad but it hurt so much because I wish my mom was like that. I love her for the way that she is but .. I don't know.


Okay I'm pretty tired. I'll keep writing more tomorrow.

[smearedmakeup]

Dear cB diary,

I had a dream that I was pregnant, and I miscarried. I woke up crying. I don't remember the details of the dream. That was all I remember.
But now that makes me want to have a kid. (Well, duh, I know not now.) But I want someone that was from my blood, and I will love and love and love and love. I love my little brother like my own kid, but it's not the same.
I'll know the feeling when I have a kid someday.
You know the thing on MySpace? Where they have the Kids option? Well, I think I'm going to change that.

[NinjaxMageLayout...]

Dear CB diary,
My life has been shattered...i graduate in 48 hours (2 days)and everyone thinks they can tell me who i want to come and who cant.Now my dad cant come because he said he didnt have no money to buy me my clothes for graduation so now my mom is b-tchin at him saying shes taking him to court.and then she came and said "dont think your dad is coming to graduation!"and im like why?! and shes like because i said so.LIKE B-TCH F-CK OFF,leave me alone about your damn grudges and attitude towards my dad.I dont give a damn no more,im tired of this sh-t IM TIRED OF MY MOM ALWAYS NAGGING ME TO CALL MY DAD JUST TO ASK HIM IF HE SENT MONEY,DAMNIT HAVE YUR OTHER DAMN SON CALL HIM,OH RIGHT IM MY DAD'S FAVORITE RIGHT?!BULL SH-T.You call being his favorite having to come last instead of first for a base ball game instead of giving your own child money?!bull crap my brother always got what he wanted,and still continues to!WTH HE EVEN GOT MY WORK MONEY THAT I WORKED MY A$$ OFF TO MAKE WORKING FOR THAT DAMN WHICH WHOM IS MY MOTHER!damn damn damn!now my sister giving me attitude kinda,my aunt cant make and she doesnt like my older sister.So wtf?!i dont want my mom to go either cuz shes annoying and shes a b-tch.So now i cant get anything that i wanted for graduation.MY WHOLE F-KING DAY AND WEEK IS MESSED UP NOW,ALL BECAUSE OF HER,I HATE HER!

[*Intoxique*]

Dear cB Diary,

Well tomorrow is the day. Why yes, it is grad night. Woo, I am hyped, I can't wait to get the f**k outta there. So many memories there & many I will never forget. I am ready to leave & move along to a new chapter of my life.
Now on to grad, there should honestly be alcohol there. I mean the drunker we are the less drama there will be. Oh, how I wish there wasn't unage drinking. Oh well.
Anyways I am hyped & I need to get to sleep. Gotta wake up early for tomorrow.

- Liz <3.

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Great. Just fcking great. So I bring up whats bothering me because he asked and then he sounds all upset and says he's fine. Fck. Fck me and my idiocy. I'm so sick of being stupid and screwing things up. I just want us to be okay and for me not to be such a fcking dumbshit and cry all day about it. Godammit all. Its times like these I hate myself. I hate this. I hate myself. I am so tired of being paranoid, and stupid and over-thinking things. I just want to be happy again. I'm so godamn sick and tired of all this stupidity. I just want to be with him and be loved by him and be able to love him.

[marzipan]

dear cb,

can't wait till tomorrow! gonna go see a movie with my friend.

i wish my summer was more exciting...-_-

[dancingkait]

Dear cB diary,

Great. Just fcking great. So I bring up whats bothering me because he asked and then he sounds all upset and says he's fine. Fck. Fck me and my idiocy. I'm so sick of being stupid and screwing things up. I just want us to be okay and for me not to be such a fcking dumbshit and cry all day about it. Godammit all. Its times like these I hate myself. I hate this. I hate myself. I am so tired of being paranoid, and stupid and over-thinking things. I just want to be happy again. I'm so godamn sick and tired of all this stupidity. I just want to be with him and be loved by him and be able to love him.

hun it is so not something to beat yourself up about. from what i've read he's being a dick and not telling you everything. it's not your fault if he asked you what was wrong. don't let him make you cry darling

i hate work right this second. they forced me into coming in tomorrow and i really do not want to.

[*stephinika*]

^^
Thanks darling. It's all good now though, but thanks.

Dear cB diary,

Things are better so thats good. Cotillion practice today...there's another tomorrow...they're going well...I'd rather have L as a partner than M though... Sigh. Ah well.

//edit.
Well there goes that again. I remember when he asked me just about a year ago to go with him...he was so excited and so happy I said yes. Obviously, the circumstances were different then, but still...I'm so excited to go with him...he's not even really excited to go at all...when I asked, the way he answered seemed like he was only going because he asked me before...I don't know...it just makes me sad, because I fully remember how he talked about grad a year ago... Sigh. I hope it turns out amazing...

[*Intoxique*]

Dear cB Diary,

Last night was honestly one of the best nights during all my 8 years of attending Westridge. I had the greatest time there at the grad party & after-party. Last night when the grad party was about to end, the last ten minutes of it. It kinda of just hit me just how much I am gonna miss these people. It brought me near tears, I been friends with them for so long, it weird that next year, we probably won't even talk to each other.
I been a emotional wreak lately, I was so hyped to leave this school a couple of weeks ago & now I really don't wanna leave it behind. I know at the grad ceremony that I am gonna cry, before I didn't think I would cry but now it has all hit me how much these people mean to me.

- Liz <3.

[NinjaxMageLayout...]

Dear CB diary,
Why the hell am i so stupid to fall into traps......little traps..........Im so stupid,i over think too much..and i wish i could be happy again.Like i used to be back in 5th grade and lower.I wish i never told my parents to keep this house i live in.If i didnt then i wouldnt be here.Things would be fine.But then i wouldnt have met my aunt delilah.....-sigh-yesturday my dad didnt even say congradulations that i graduated.He doesnt care anymore.Why cant things just be normal for me.if i didnt leave the hot water on my little sister wouldnt have gotten burned which = i wouldnt be having the problem we're goign through with these people now..Everything is twisting.And i need to talk to my mom about it the next time she brings it up..because she knows how much i hate it when she talks about "it"..Im really so f-king stupid..im in a deep internal trap.And i will remain until i can fix everthing to break free..

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Createblog Diary,
Things will probably never be the same again, just because of that one goddamned night over a simple mistake and misunderstanding.

I really hope things will get better. Especially by the time camp rolls around.

Sometimes, I hate myself. I really do. Gah.

[*Blow_Don't_SUCK*]

Dear CB diary,

I feel really out of it today. Nothing caused it I just felt really sad. I hate the feeling so much. Sleeping didn't work this time.