forsaken |
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 Mar 25 2006, 01:58 AM
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#1
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crumpled up old piece of paper scribble on me  Group: Member Posts: 49 Joined: Mar 2006 Member No: 386,366  |
as i walk in this pre-formed line
i hear the screams inside as if to say leave this place you'll never be that good i try to ignore them they get louder i freeze and loose my place in line they see these scars i try to hide abd laugh as if they have never done i hide the pain but it still lives on they scream at me with such hatred i feel my face get red with anger i scream out as if some one will care they all just ignore me like nothing happened i beg for help but no one listens i slice and slice till the pain is released i get back in line in a place where i dont belong im pushed and shoved until i fall the ground is cold and wet its crippling to the touch i can no longer move they pick up my body and carry it to a small watering hole they toss me in as if to disposs of me i jerk up and gasp for air i fall back in and fall to the bottem im time has come i think just as a hand reachs in to help me i grab ahold as a slowly drift upward i see this face like an angel as time goes on i become more and more like them i form to there ways with out one thought i was never them and will never be them so i again i go back to old habbits and again i am forsaken |
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Mar 26 2006, 10:26 PM
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#2
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 no news is good news... Group: Member Posts: 123 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 232,063 |
It's good.
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Mar 26 2006, 10:30 PM
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#3
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 My name's Katt. Nice to meet you! Group: Member Posts: 3,826 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 93,674 |
The beginning was good, but the quality began to dwindle toward the end, and it just seemed redundant and out of place.
QUOTE the ground is cold and wet its crippling to the touch I thought the imagery in that line was great. There needs to be a clearer theme and a doctrine to organize this poem. I still love it though. Really sets the mood. |
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