I don't believe in love., It's REALLY LONG! Options

[Kounouri]

I'm so friggen' sick of this!!

Okay. So my ex and I dated for ten months. We were on and off for the last month, because he thought I was spending too much time with my friends and not enough with him. He was jealous that I was working backstage for the musical because he said he felt like his whole life was there and he wasn't- his sister was in the cast and his mom was a volunteer. He said I'd changed too much and he didn't like it. But he said he didn't want to break up? It really felt like every time I was around him I was miserable. So I broke up with him, and I tried to do it lightly, but over the weekend I decided that it wasn't time for us to end yet. And I begged him back... for a week and a half he stringed me along and I actually went through a few days were I was near-suicidal for him. I begged him back, and FINALLY he took me.

After that, I became the shmuck. Because of the weak spot in our relationship, I fell for someone else. I was bitter about love already, and I honestly don't believe in it anymore, and liking some other guy was just the cherry on top. On Valentine's day- his birthday- he didn't get me a gift. He didn't even wish me a happy V-day, all because it was "his" day. So although I tried to be happy for him, at the end of the schoolday I started crying about it. That night, he got his mom to bring me a rose & a letter from him. It said, "I'm sorry," but then went on to list all the things that were wrong with his life.

And you know, I can be supportive to a point.
But I'm SICK of his complaining.

The next day, we broke up, for final. I made it two days without crying, because I was working for the musical and I was away from school. I didn't have to see him. But when word came round that he hated me, I bawled. And that night, he came to our show, and I cried again. My friends, including the "other" guy, were there for me and I moved on.

Since then life has picked up wonderfully. I am no longer depressed, and I feel like I can be so much more thankful for everything I have. My ex was atheist, and I foolishly adopted his views, but now I have turned my life around- I'm experiencing the joy of God, and of friendships, and laughter. I'm doing better than I have since before my ex, and I finally realized how much I gave up for him a year ago.

But now I find that whenever I see him, I get really angry. I still like the "other" guy a lot, but the feeling I get when I see him isn't enough to get me by anymore. I have made a new set of friends that I trust with my life, and my best friend in the world has also turned her life around. But when I fall back into my old ways of misery, like I have been the past few days, it's like they ignore me.

When I go to turn to my old friends, I can't. My ex, and his best friend- who always hated me- are always around them. I was a tomboy in elementary school, so all my guy buddies I have known for anywhere from three to eight years. They were the best friends I could ever ask for, and now they're closer to HIM than they are to me. It hurts me really badly, but I don't want to say anything because I know it's rude. I can't even hang out with them, because whenever I see my ex I get so angry that I have to immediately walk in the other direction.

In the past few days, it's gotten so bad that I've given up on myself. I've cheated on my diet, I've started swearing again, and I've been reduced to the old me- sitting in a corner with my friends and pitying myself. I'm lower than I have been since I left my ex, and all I've been hearing from him is complaints about how he can't find his sense of self, and how his life sucks, etc etc. He has actually gotten angry with me in the past for trying to help him out of a rut. Happiness is all about choices... choosing to be happy in the morning, choosing to ignore the sad music in the background and focus on the good parts of your day.

Take it from me, he has a good life.
You may say, "Maybe he has depression," or, "Maybe he can't help it."

But if you only knew him. I have fought many battles with depression in my life. I take three pills a day for a mood disorder. I FIGHT for happiness and take pride in my acheivements. He can damn well help it, he just won't, because he wants people to feel sorry for him. He has always been like that.

I don't know how to get through to my friends if he is standing in the way. It hurts inside that they have gotten so much closer to him, after eight years of standing by my side. I don't know how to overcome the hostile feelings I have towards him... If I could get past that then maybe I could pick things up, and get back into that groove I had going.

How do I stop myself from wanting to yell at him, "WASH YOUR DAMN HAIR," or "STAY AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS," or simply walking up and slapping him, for all the things about him that press on my nerves?

Does this mean I'm not over him? I certainly don't believe in love anymore and I'm in no mood for dating, even if I do flirt senseless with the "other" guy. It's been like, a month and a half since I left him. Why haven't I gotten through this?

I don't want to go back to the old me, the me that I was with him... I want to make the happy choices, and stick to my faith in God.