Memoir Like Entry, trying to forget Options

[*torngemini*]

I was supposed to watch a midnight screening last thursday at my workplace about a guy who risks his life to his beloved companions, 8 dogs, who mean the world to him and will do anything for them. A typical moral Disney that it usually is, the concept of the movie still gave me an uneasy feeling so I decided against it. Instead, I took a quiet hour and a half drive around the quiet streets of Richmond contemplating about things that already haunt me on a daily basis.

My window was rolled down the entire ride and I noticed the air was so cold. It did not bother me though ... nothing seems to be able to bother me when my mind's occupied. What did bother me was hearing reminiscent songs on the radio; one after another feeling like they were played just for me. Of course, they weren't but it's funny how irony always wins in that way. "the feeling that I'm feeling now that I don't hear your voice, or have your touch and kiss your lips 'cause I don't have choice" ... such a sad and the wrong song to hear at that moment in time but I still couldn't turn the radio off. That goes for the next 6 songs of the night, a continuous line of bittersweet memories being sewn into my mind.

The day that held every meaning of my being is here and I have been dreading it ever since. An anniversary of something that I sometimes pretend was nothing but a dream. An anniversary of something that I can never again hold in my hands. No matter how long it has been, it is just one of those things that can never be forgotten. No one, though, blamed me for not being able to forget such a thing. Those were the exact words of people whom I call my support. Their comforting words only scratched the surface but was never enough to cut deep like a wound. It's only the sad things that cut so deep. Wounds do heal but scars still show, a forever reminder of things that you wish you could leave behind.

I start to think of the word forever all of a sudden, wondering what that word really means. Forever, to me, sounded like it related to a lifetime but a lifetime has an end like everything else in this world that gets touched by the hands of mortality. I can still hear the word being said in my head and I start to feel distraught, not knowing if that word means anything anymore to the one who once said it to me with such sincerity and meaning. Forever is nothing but a word. Then I changed my mind. I would find myself a hypocrite if that was the way I thought of it. Forever is something I still live with in my heart but I will never say it out loud.

I don't say too much out loud, but if I do, it is always in a way where comedy prevails. So I've got a smile on but that doesn't mean there's nothing behind it. Find me a person who had a genuine pure smile with no baggage behind it. I do believe there is a few out there but it's a rare find. I'm sure there's a few out there but for now, my version of reality is what I stand by, despite the pessimistic connotation that it holds when it stings my mind as I try to hold the words back in a silent manner.

This day is the test of my "strength" which I am so-called admired for. I don't necessarily think it's strength. I just know how to keep quiet. It's funny because it may just very well be a normal, usual day where I get up in the late afternoon, take a shower, go to school, have a smoke, talk to my friends and go to class. Life still stands before me whether it is today, the next day and so forth but it will still never change the fact that I will still think of things that I could have had and dreams that I had to forcefully against my will change.

I guess I just have to face the fact that everything in this world is out of my hands. I have to face the fact that I have to say goodbye to how I had designed my life to be. I'll settle for fantasy, I guess, since that's the best I could do and the only choice I really have. You never know ... maybe the patience that I have and worked so hard for will bring me the one thing I feel I deserve most and the one and only thing I want so much in this world.

For now, I will only possess it when I close my eyes and for now I'll live in a quiet anguish for life and the paths that I have to take are the only choices I have.