Rules To be a man&Kids say the darndest things, sad, but funny Options

[Stephire]

Rules To Be A Man
1. Don't call, ever.

2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. lie.

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"

7. Drink Vernors.

8. Women want to hear all about YOU constantly!

9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

11. Lie.

12. Girls find it attractive if a man has friends than baths.

13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask.

14. Women like it when you ignore them.

15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.

16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."

17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

22. Say things like, "Wha...?"

23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24. Lie.

25. Deny everything. Everything.

26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."

27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.

28. Don't have a clue.

29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30. No means yes.

31. Yes means no.

32. Lie.

33. Make up something to lie about to stay in practice. Improvise.

34. Did I mention that you should be able to lie.

35. Feelings? What feelings?

36. Never listen.

37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.

39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.

40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

41. This is a good place to mention you should be able to lie.

42. Lie.

43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.

44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.

46. Lie.

47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.

50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

52. Blame everything on PMS.


53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

54. Lie.

55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

56. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.

57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

58. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look cool, right?

59. You are male, therefore you want quality.

60. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.

61. Lie.

62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.

63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?

64. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."

65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

66. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you're staying with her.

67. Lie.


68. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

69. Lie.

70. General Rule: Different is BAD.

71. If anyone asks you for a favor... make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

72. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling.

73. Lie. (true story.)

74. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

75. Lie.

76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.

77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.

78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.

79. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions "love" or "commitment."

80. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.

81. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her, when you're with your friends.

82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.

83. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.

84. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.

85. Be early for everything or don't show up at all.

Sorry if this is sort of sexist against men, but it made me chuckle
You have to admit though, a lot of it is true. O.O


Oh and this is too cute:

Kids Say The Darndest Things

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"



3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"



4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy"



5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."



6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"



7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."



8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."



10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"



11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."