Currently Untitled, really short short story Options

[hi-C]

Does this even count as a short story? Hm. Alas, on with it.

It's similar in tone to a poem I wrote a few months ago, "you left your scent on my shirt."

I don't know what I'm going to call this one, I'm open to suggestions. I'm also open to any revisions you guys may have.

- - -

Close your eyes, you said, and reluctantly I obliged. I must’ve appeared nervous or tense because as your arms wrapped around my body, a hand slid up my back to my shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. It sent shivers down my spine and I shifted around a little. You asked if I was cold and I said no.

Although my eyes were still closed, I could tell you lowered your face to mine. I felt light breathing on my nose and mouth. So close but yet so impossibly far.

I pursed my lips, waiting for the inevitable. You scolded me, putting a finger on my mouth, as if telling it to be quiet. I guess you heard it asking to be kissed.

Then that same chastising hand caressed my face and held my cheek. A well-placed finger tilted my face towards yours, at the same time, gently and ever so slightly parting my lips. Your lips and tongue grazed my own.

Such a tease, I murmured under my breath. Your lips once again came down on my own, with more pressure this time, but still so delicately. I felt them smile and say I know.

- - -

(1/25/06 addition):

I let an eye drift open. A little boy of about eight stared up at us, intruding on the fantasy of our private world. A mysterious gleam in his eye, he debated between turning this not-too-discrete display of affection into an embarrassing situation and otherwise leaving us alone. A blast of screams and giggles from the children on the nearby jungle gym convinces him otherwise. He had better things to do than to bother us; his priorities were with his friends and the activity of play.

A tightening of arms around my body reminded me of my own priorities. With danger averted and my attention back to our own activities, I lost myself in the ecstasy of your kiss.

This post has been edited by Madame C: Jan 25 2006, 04:21 PM

[*mzkandi*]

Oh, very nice, Carrie.

[*StanleyThePanda*]

I dont have any suggestions for a name
but I very much enjoyed reading that.

[*mona lisa*]

Ooh, very sensual. I feel as if the last sentence could be re-written; there are too many commas/clauses for my taste. Well done.

[hi-C]

^ You're so right, Mona. I fixed it. Thanks!

[*mona lisa*]

It was fine the way it was before as well, but I still like it. =p

[*jooleeah*]

Aw. Very sweet piece, Carrie. I like it a looot.

[yourfriendsteph]

Aww, this just gave me butterflies...I like the build up for the kiss, its really cute and well written.

[*Programmer*]

wow...that's really wow....

[*stephinika*]

very nicely written carrie. i quite like the imagery and just the whole feel to it.

[hi-C]

wow...that's really wow....

That means you like it, right?

[Just_Dream]

I also like the imagery. It sounds like a piece you'd see from a novel or one of those korean fanfictions. I love it!

Might I suggest.. IDK.. "Our first kiss" or something. Maybe that sounds too cliche or plain though.

It sent flickers in my mind because it reminds me of the first kiss that my boyfriend and I shared.

[KissMe2408]

OOoooOO Carrie, nice!
Very romantic! lol. I think you are a pretty good writer! I never knew that about you. You should put a title to it.
<3

[hi-C]

I've added a little more on to the end of it. I also plan to do a little re-writing the first part.

[*stephinika*]

lovely carrie. i love your writing style, and its well put together. ah, so sweet.