Homage to the Magnificent, (an english essay written by yours truly Options

[Retrogressive]

Okay, I wrote this at ermm... *checks clock* 4ish AM. My English teacher always assigns the most idiotic topics for essays and such. This weeks topic was: "Write an essay about someone you most admire." I racked my brain... I could only think of one person... my wonderful self. It's a rough draft, and I wish I could cram it down her throat because she's misspelled "your" at least a dozen times. Okay, I need coffee.... (ps. I'm really nice in real life )

Homage to the Magnificent

I have known myself for a very long time now. I would be the first person to tell you that I know myself better than any of my closest friends, and there are many. Being the closest person to ever understand my deepest thoughts, emotions, and beauty has given me an in-depth admiration for what a completely wonderful understanding person I am. I have shown bravery in the face of fear, integrity in the face of criticism, and punched the face of Pauly Shore (admit it you wish you were me).

Many people have complimented me on my bravery, which will be the first point I will be making on how absolutely perfect I am. Just yesterday Samuel L. Jackson was in awe of my incredible bravery. I will tell you the story. As usual Sam called me at around nine in a state of panic. I said, “Sam, you know I’ve been up all night reading to handicap orphans.” But he said, “Linda, I know you have an incredible heart and mind. I’m so thankful to have you as a close confidant. But this is important; Latanya [his wife] and I just had a horrible fight. I wish to seek your wisdom.” I sighed; this alone proves what a wonderful, giving, and loyal friend. “Okay, Sam. If it means that much to you…” “Oh it does, it does, thank you!”

We met at a posh little coffee shop on the corner and he looked horrible. The day was unnervingly still as I got out of my sleek candy apple convertible. He greeted me with a strong handshake. “Thank you for meeting me here…” he said, but before he could finish I noticed something horribly wrong with a man walking up into the parking lot. He had a limp to his awkward walk and red stains around his sore eyes. “Hold on Sam, I think we have company.” Sam switched out of his venerable mode and adapted a cold, questing look. Suddenly, the man who had approached Sam swung at him. I lunged towards Sam and knocked him out of the way, the man was swinging a bat! The man groaned in a horrifying way and then I knew… “It’s a zombie Sam!” Then as if out of nowhere, a flock of them appeared and it was just Samuel L. Jackson and me against Them. I won’t subject you to the graphic, gory, and heroic details but minutes later I save Samuel L. Jackson from a whole army of zombies. But you’re saying, “What? An army of zombies? Linda, I have to face those everyday!” You’re right. Let me continue on showing you the wonderful world of Linda Belle…

Weeks ago I was conversing with my good friend Jessica Simpson, I’m not sure exactly what she does… she says she’s a “pop” star but I don’t really follow The Media. She’s not really a thinker but she’s a wonderful person, really gives back to the community, you know? Our elite clique was talking about foreign policy when I brought up just another genius idea of mine on foreign policy reform when she began personally attacking me. I believe it could have been the large amount of liquor she was drinking, sweet girl but has a bit of an unquenchable thirst. We believe its problems at home with Nick [her husband]. Anyway, I held strong when she criticized my ideals and basically my core fundamentals. Later, my close friend Jude Law (who had been there) was in awe of my integrity and how I held my head in such a dire situation.

One of my finest qualities that many people, enemies and friends, have admired is my extreme modesty and caring nature. I mean, last Thursday a line of children were playing ball in the road and I actually stopped my Hummer. Do you know how thoughtful that was? And my modesty, I could go on and on about how modest I am. But I wouldn’t do that, I’ll just quote a good friend of mine, The Dalai Lama: “Linda, is such a magnificent human being. It really saddens me to know that she must walk the same human life as the rest of us mortals. I cannot believe I’m actually breathing the same air as her, and am in the very same room as her.”

In conclusion, I have been said to be one of the most wonderful human beings on earth. I admire myself greatly and hope to achieve the success, beauty, and admiration that I have already achieved three times fold.