Marriage is....... |
  |
 Apr 19 2004, 03:46 PM
Post
#1
|
|
 Feh... I want ramen!!  Group: Member Posts: 928 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,203  |
A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine." A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present. A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it." A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets. A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation. A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire." After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy. As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!] Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets. Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep. If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains! It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss. It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes. Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first. Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished. Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster. Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution? Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo.... Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!). Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them. Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress. My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him! My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way. My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat. She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep. Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse! The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride. Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!" |
|
|
|
|
Apr 19 2004, 05:22 PM
Post
#2
|
|
 . Group: Member Posts: 1,488 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,625 |
lmao... Those were good. Haven't had a laugh like THAT in a while. See if you can find some more
|
|
|
|
| *krnxswat* |
Apr 19 2004, 05:49 PM
Post
#3
|
|
Guest |
QUOTE Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.  
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 20 2004, 07:48 AM
Post
#4
|
|
 i'm susan Group: Official Member Posts: 13,875 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 5,029 |
hahahaha seon ho did u make that quote up? haha well newais God says..."alwais treat ur husband well"-_-;;...
|
|
|
|
| *Kathleen* |
Apr 20 2004, 04:54 PM
Post
#5
|
|
Guest |
QUOTE A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. Haha.  True, true.
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 20 2004, 10:59 PM
Post
#6
|
|
 ºù¼ö~ Group: Member Posts: 1,076 Joined: Jan 2004 Member No: 1,755 |
QUOTE(Fireshrieker @ Apr 19 2004, 3:46 PM) A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." ahahhahaha wait.. his mother in law is the wife's mother right? and the wife's motehr and law is the husband's mother in law.. soo.. 
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 21 2004, 02:25 AM
Post
#7
|
|
 mizgeralyn ;D Group: Member Posts: 361 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,888 |
wow. thats long. i only read the first few.. i'll have to get back to that. seems like good stuff though.. LOL
|
|
|
|
| *CJ1* |
Apr 21 2004, 03:04 PM
Post
#8
|
|
Guest |
Hahaha... I wondered why there was something called marriage in the boys locker room...
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 21 2004, 03:06 PM
Post
#9
|
|
 original member. Group: Official Member Posts: 4,825 Joined: Jan 2004 Member No: 1,460 |
QUOTE As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 21 2004, 04:06 PM
Post
#10
|
|
 *wow* Group: Member Posts: 165 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,173 |
QUOTE My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day. Dannnng hahha |
|
|
|
|
Apr 21 2004, 08:45 PM
Post
#11
|
|
 muted imperfections <3 Group: Official Member Posts: 3,295 Joined: Jan 2004 Member No: 2,260 |
QUOTE A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." haha i like this one...o dear!! im sure my future husband will be scared of my mom cuz she scares the hell out of me.  jackie
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 23 2004, 09:32 PM
Post
#12
|
|
 PHIL ½ Group: Member Posts: 2,663 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 6,982 |
i wish i was married right now and have kids..but im only 16.
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 24 2004, 03:40 AM
Post
#13
|
|
|
Silver Hawk Group: Member Posts: 183 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,909 |
marriage is not just a certificate....it's about loving and caring each other everyday
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 24 2004, 11:17 AM
Post
#14
|
|
 Mileage Runner Group: Member Posts: 1,316 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 9,458 |
QUOTE(CJ1 @ Apr 21 2004, 3:04 PM) Hahaha... I wondered why there was something called marriage in the boys locker room... I was wondering as well... Really funny though.
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 24 2004, 11:46 AM
Post
#15
|
|
 fragile Group: Member Posts: 1,044 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 9,807 |
haha, this is really funny, me too was wondering why there was a topic called marriage in the boy's locker room...i thought you boys were afraid of marriage
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 24 2004, 12:00 PM
Post
#16
|
|
 All I want for Christmas is an Underground Band. Group: Member Posts: 1,046 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 4,797 |
Oh man these are too funny! XD LOL...marriage...i wish i was married, well I`m 14, so I have 10 years LoL
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 24 2004, 11:52 PM
Post
#17
|
|
 Senior Member Group: Official Member Posts: 4,750 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 10,581 |
Whoa, these are hilarious! Even though I only read the first 10... lol
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 25 2004, 12:20 PM
Post
#18
|
|
 Fizzle Ma Nizzle Group: Member Posts: 1,019 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 11,978 |
QUOTE A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. lol, hope its was like that..lol
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 25 2004, 08:14 PM
Post
#19
|
|
 doot doot doot Group: Member Posts: 1,803 Joined: Jan 2004 Member No: 1,954 |
haha
these are so funny lols i wonder if that'll happen wen i get married
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 25 2004, 08:36 PM
Post
#20
|
|
 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 1,989 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 10,691 |
Haha interesting. Nice. The quotes are funny.
|
|
|
|
|
May 25 2004, 07:49 PM
Post
#21
|
|
 always confused Group: Member Posts: 163 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 15,228 |
lolz....most of them were nice, a few of them were jus weird
|
|
|
|
|
May 25 2004, 08:14 PM
Post
#22
|
|
 t a c o s Group: Member Posts: 1,187 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 9,122 |
that's a lot.. to know.. where do you get this crap
|
|
|
|
|
May 25 2004, 10:13 PM
Post
#23
|
|
 BANNED Group: Member Posts: 2,419 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 14,387 |
LMAO . . .
|
|
|
|
|
May 25 2004, 11:22 PM
Post
#24
|
|
 Live Your Own Party Group: Member Posts: 1,261 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,489 |
lol. those are hilarious. i'm going to save those so i can read them. email me if you get any more... PLEASE!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members: