createblog diary, v.6 Options

[smearedmakeup]

dear cb diary,

he said he likes me again.. along with three other girls. he's such an ass, but something about him makes me go back for more. i get so jealous when i see him with other girls, even if they're just friends. i'm always scared that they'll flirt with him. but i feel pathetic, we're not even together, and i act like i own him.
he doesn't know how i feel, i'm too scared to tell him, and i want to be the ONLY girl, not one of the four girls.

[aera]

dear cB diary,

school is so boring. i feel like falling asleep. school should start later.

my grade is so boring compared to other schools. nobody is going out with anyone, or likes anyone, or mad, and we dont have parties. the personalities in my grade are completely different and dont match at all. so grace and me are going to play matchmaker with charlene and match up people except ourselves.

i feel kinda mean, meddling with other people's lives.

[*danielle_x3*]

dear diary,
these are the hardest days of my life. i miss my father so much.

[Looow]

^

Dear cB Diary,
These past days have been really hard for me. There's a lot of stress. If only I knew planning this whole thing was going to be so hard, I wouldn't have decided to have one. Everyone's asking questions and we need to pay the hall, get appointments with the dress lady, invitations. oh dear. I don't even think the people that we invited even fit in the hall. 220 seated people? Eh. I hope so.

People are just such jerks sometimes.

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
It's not getting easier. I'm still crying. I'm still hurting. I'm still the same confused, bitter, frustrated, f**ked up person. The only thing that changed is that I'm getting better at pretending and lying to people's faces. Wow. What a good trait to have.
-Me.

[mzbbc]

dear cB diary,

i feel like i'm wasting everything i have right now. i shouldn't be stuck in this f**ked situation thinking about things getting better, but i guess i just have to get through it.

only a couple more weeks. then it's gonna be all about him who i need to get out of my life anyway. things are just so f**ked up right now. i wanna leave and see him and i wanna be myself. i hate how shit happens and i start acting like a different person. wtf. and i hate how he's so cocky he'll act like shit didn't happen.

wtf. pay attention to me love me.

Maia
xoxo

[yummy_delight]

^ OH MY GOODNESS MAIA!!! I'm only gone a week and look what I missed.

Dear CB Diary:

I officially have no self control. I had to come back because the people I meet here are considerably less f*cked up then the people at school. Go figure.

My best friend doesn't give a rat's behind about me and how I feel. She's been my friend for a long time. Long enough to see me, my self-esteem, my eating disorder all dive into this downward spiral. And yet she still think she can get away with calling me a "fat ass" without me getting hurt. I don't care if she was just kidding or if she calls Jenn that all the time. She should know by now that we are two different people.

Yesterday she had the NERVE to tell Adrienne to relay me the message that "I still care about you, but I don't feel like you can open up to me." Holy mother I don't know where to begin. Let's make a list, shall we?

1. BULLSHIT. I wouldn't call you my best friend if I didn't feel comfortable enough to tell you things. You know more about me than my family probably does.
2. I'm sure I don't tell you everything, and neither do you. we all have things we like to keep private. By nature, I'm a private person.
3. Why couldn't you tell me this yourself?
4. Don't you DARE play the f*cking victim.
5. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WHAT YOU SAID TO ME?!

She will NEVER understand what I'm going through because she has never been in my position. I can deal with that. But she doesn't try to understand, doesn't WANT to understand. All she cares about is her little bony ass self. Arianna is always thinking "Me Me Me". I don't know how I ever became friends with that insufferable bitch. It's over between us. Not kidding this time.

- Laur

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
What's wrong with me? How come my 'friends' aren't really my friends? How come I'm not happy? Why aren't I happy? Why do I continually think of him? How come I'm failing so many classes? Why do I procrastinate so much? How did I become so lazy? What is so bad about me that people don't accept me? How do I change? What do I need to change? How come I keep crying? Why can't I stop? Does no one see that I'm faking it all? Does anyone know how much I'm hurting? Is there anyone that cares? Can anyone help me? Why does it seem like everyone is ignoring me? Pushing me away? When did I change to be like this? How did it start? Who helped start it? Why doesn't praying help? Why can't I be happy? Why? Why do I still miss him, want him, love him? Why do my best friends not even know what's really going on? Why can't I move on? What is the deal with me being so bitter? How come I'm so mean to those I care about? Just, what the fuck is wrong with me?
-Me.

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

f**k it. i did it again. i made him upset...not solely me but i'm part of it and i'm sick of making these mistakes. i want to make him happy and him being sad or angry or whatever makes me feel horrible...and me being the cause, even if only partially, tears me up inside.
i don't deserve him. he's so good to me and i just keep doing stupid things.

[silver-rain]

Dear cb Diary,
He asked for a break again last night, 2 weeks before our 1 year. But, luckily, I managed to make him forget about it. But still, it made me uneasy. I don't know why though: I trust him but he's such a personable, charismatic, friendly person that... I don't know. That's how he got me, but he was actually interested in me. Blehh, and sometimes, it just feels like he's using me. I don't even know how much he loves me, I make it clear about my feelings towards him, but he doesn't seem to care... I'm just hoping for a miracle that he manages to surprise me in 2 weeks...
I hate lying to him, but sometimes, that's the only thing keeping us from breaking up. And, they're not really lies, just little things that I might mean later...

Bleh, in other news, I need to finish my Umich app, and hopefully my parents will let me out after it's done. Blearg.
I had so much fun yesterday at my track party without him, and then I come home and we start fighting. Bleah.

[*lolita kitty*]

dear cb diary,

these past two days have been shit. pure shit. im becoming one of those pathetic emo-ish kids that never says anything. never wants to talk because they are afraid they will get tuned out with the rest of the crowd.

no one ever listens to me. i noticed that just now.
i was realizing how, there are those times, when im with my friends, iw ill start to talk, and then cami or some other loudmouth will yell something out, and they all ignore me.

they always do that.

stop it. its not funny.

i want someone to listen to me. when im mad. no one cares. my dad.
i alays try to tell him stuff. he is my daddy. i want to talk to him. what does he do?
he yells at me for complaining too much. im a teenager under 34834789378489 stress, and all he can say is "shut up, im tired of your complaining"

mom. she never listens. she just nods her head and stares at the computer screen, as if the cares. she just says "uh huh. right"
when i tell her she isnt listening, she yellas at me to go away.

they both favor her.
carrie.
that brat.
my sorry excuse for a sister.
yesterday, when we got in a fight. my dad. he went over and hugged her. then he looked at me..

and yelled at me. again.
im tired of him. he always punishes me. he always grounds me from whatever i can get my hand on.
the last time he punished carrie, i dont even remember.

patrick. he never liked me. patrick maloney. that person ive had a crush on since 6th grade. he always gave everyone else a chance.
he went out with angie, and danced with her at the school dance. right in front of me.
they broke up.
then abby. he really liked her.
and then amorie, twice.
but none of them truly liked him like i ever did. they just had puppy love for him at the time.
me, why not me?
is it because im not as pretty as them? am i too skinnmy? is my head too big? ami too pale?

tell me that, patrick.i want to know.

and. those kids. them. the ghetto ones. the high schoolers. she 8th graders.
the really mean ones.
the asian ones. the mexican ones. the black ones. even the white ones.
them and their insults.
i was always sp,ewhat rocker, and even preppy. however uyou label it.
they dont like that
im skinny. very skinny. they dont like that.
i have blondeh air and blue eyes. they hate that.
i... am white..... they hate that
they never like my type. they hit me, then push me. they tell me to gain weight. they point and laugh at my skinny body.
they tell me to get a tan. i am too pake. i look unhealthy. too white for them. i need to gain weight. when was the last time i ate? whats with my blonde hair?
i look like one of those cheap magazine chicks that starve themselves 24/7 just to look pretty.
my jean size. its a 1. thats not cool. thats unhealthy, and ugly.

brandi. she tells me i am not good looking. she tells me i am lame. she tells me i look really bad with my bangs, and that i should never get them again. every day. in dance class. brandi bozeman, one of my best friends, trying to parent me as if i am her little barbie doll who has to be perfect.
look miss. i know you are pretty. iknow you are normal looking, and have pretty tan skin.
this does not mean you have to rub it in.

patricia. thats it. you win. you are cooler than e. i have more insecurities than you. i dont have a boyfriend.
i like you. you are one of my bestest friends. but us two, we always competed. who has more boyfriends. who has the best avatar on cb.
you. and jenny. and riana. you all win. you are all better looking.

i wonder if anyone will bother to read this at all.
im am going through a bad stage right now.
i have bad thoughts.
im not emo. im not a wannabe. im not unhealthy, dammit, SHUT THE f**k UP.

i dont care anymore.

im going to ea, eat until i am pretty. im going to go outside and tan until i look okay.
i need bigger boobs, and a butt.
i cant have bangs anymore.
i need to be perfect, otherwise they will not like me.

all of this teen stress, peer pressure.

its got to me.

- cassie

[*mzkandi*]

Cassie - :[ I'm sorry to read that you are going through those things. With your family, people at school, etc. Its sucks....I remember a time when I was always made fun of for being too skinny "haha...Kiera, I hope the winds doesnt blow you away you skinny twig" I laugh at it now but back then comments like that made me so insecure. I wasnt even told one time I was "black enough" . As much as I brushed it off, words can hurt, so I know what your going through. I'm not the best at giving advice but be strong. Be better than those people that talk down about you. And why change.....?? What in the end is that really going to solve? One of my favorite quotes is "You were born an orginal, dont die a copy". Peer pressure is tough but changing the outside does nothing for the inside....After high school......none of it really matters.

Dear cb- Ahhhh...I want to be done with school already :/

[mzbbc]

cassie: damn i am so sorry you are going through that shit. we all have issues, i know it, but people can be so mean. don't even listen to shit like that. we love you for being CASSIE, for being who you are, not anybody else who you aren't, so don't you forget that! cB has your back we're gonna jump those mofos next time they hurt you, k? MWAH.

dear cB diary,

god, the parents again. i will try to be better, i really will. i know i am not in any situation to complain, but please just somehow let things work out.

and then i think... if he was here in my life things would be even more messed up.

wth...

xoxo
Maia

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary,

eff. what is wrong with me? why the fcuk do i feel like this!? i am sick and tired of all this bull.

[toodlepops.]

Cassie - I'm really sorry people are treating you like that. Those people aren't even worth it. Don't even listen to them. You're pretty the way you are. Be strong, dear. ILU. :)

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
what has been wrong with me this entire week? feeling like shit. f**k pmsing. i hate it. it makes me so emotional.
today i almost cried. twice. i rarely cry.
i thought about how jonathan and i used to be so close when we were little. but as we were growing up, we grew apart, and we hated each other. with a passion. and we still do.
immature, right? i agree. he was so mean to me when we went to the same school. it made me feel like shit- like my best friend hated me. technically though, he wasn't even my best friend.
then today, at the dinner party, i saw amy. we were close friends when we were small.
then everyone mentioned how pretty amy was. how gorgeous she was.
then my mom said that i was the ugly one. how i used to be the pretty one when i was little. and how ugly i got. just because i got fat or something.
does my physical appearance matter that much to people now?
will be not love me because of how i look? does my personality not matter anymore? not even to my own family? i'm guessing not. every time i go back to taiwan, my relatives always ask me if i lost weight. f**k you. how i look is not supposed to matter to how much you love me.
i'm not even that fat. i'm trying to lose weight. i'm trying to go diet. but it's not good enough. nothing's ever good enough.
then i thought about something in the car...
i'm nothing special. just because i go through shit like grandpa getting cancer or something does not make me feel different from other kids, right?
but then i thought...everyone i know has something unique about them.
evelyn's pretty. rosaline's smart. ashley's pretty. evelyn t's athletic. kaileen's gorgeous, pretty, and f**king athletic. everyone has something special about them. every one of them is f**king smart, and has brains and isn't fat or shit.
but i'm none of that. and my mother wishes i was. all my relatives wish i was. i used to be that smart, pretty, skinny little girl. but i've turned into a worthless piece of f**king shit. i'm not smart, i'm not skinny, i'm not pretty...i'm not anything.
i'm just a worthless piece of nothing.
you know...i try so hard. i try so hard to be perfect. i try to study, i try to excell in school. i try to lose weight. i try to be a better person. i try to be kind. i try to do everything a perfect person would do. but it's impossible for me. i'm never going to be good enough for my parents. never good enough for my friends. never good enough for anyone.

[*danielle_x3*]

dear diary,
i hate when people spread rumors about me, and people ACTUALLY believe them. if they were really my friends, they would defend me and say that all that sh*t wasn't true. i guess they aren't my friends then, what the f*ck. why don't you just ask me if you have a question, instead of going behind my back. why would people do that? whaaaaaatever.
i hate when people constantly remind me that my father isn't here anymore, like i don't already know. whenever i'm happy, they ask me, 'how come you're not depressed'. it's not like i want to be depressed 24/7, if i was depressed, emo, do all that bs, that wouldn't bring him back, no way no how.
i just miss my dad so much, he left me so early in my life. i remember when i graduated 8th grade, he told me how proud he was of me, but when i graduate high school, he won't be able to do that. i know the pain will never go away, but it won't hurt this much later on . . not a day goes by that i don't think of him and have many regrets
i feel like i was a failure as a daughter . . for some reason . . bleh . . daddy do you hear me?

love, d

[aera]

dear cB diary-

damnit. i was one point away from straight a's. i actually worked for it this quarter, and i know myself that first quarter's the only chance i have.

after this, it's going to be hard... i don't know what to do with myself anymore. there's just too much to do, too much i want to do, and not enough time to sleep. sometimes i feel like i'm pushing my limits too far, trying to do too much in a day, not getting enough sleep, trying to mend every little problem in my life. there's just not enough time.

i want time to myself, away from everyone. maybe spend a week in a forest away from the rest of the human population, by myself, in a clearing. where i can reflect upon this pathetic life i've been leading. all i ever want to do is to have fun, and i have never really though of the consequences of intervening with other people's lives. i'm incredibly inconsiderate, yet, everyone says i'm really nice and care about everyone and everything. don't they understand? i've cared... but not that much.

i want to start over. i want them to know, i'm not who they think and wish i am. i'm not the sort of person that goes to parties to be part of it, to be with them. i go because it might be fun, just for laughs. or maybe away from my parents, it's just away time. sometimes it's just to hang out, but just sitting around and eating lunch. maybe i don't deserve to be living like this. there are alot of people in 'the group' that want to be in my place. be invited to the parties, movies, everything. to be liked, trusted. to hang out with the 'cool people.' they're stupid.

there's just times that you have to be by yourself.

there's just times that you wish dreams were reality.

there's just times that i just can't wait to get away from this dratted place.

on a brighter note, i'm getting a cell phone soon. of course, it'll be easier for everyone to annoy me, though sometimes their calls are nice. it's weird. when i'm away from them, i think they're annoying, but when i'm with them, i'm happier then when i'm at home. i guess i understand myself less than i though i did.

[mzbbc]

dear cB diary,

yea when i get that money imma buy myself a new cell phone charger and some sneakers. damn i can't wait. money=material happiness.

i am still in love with him, but i think it's always gonna be like that until the situation changes around and someone else comes along. sometimes i think i just love to love more than anything else.

i will try harder. i will be a better person. i will be more responsible. ok?

Maia
xoxo

[pbear]

Dear CBdiary,

Like Meredith said,
"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But -------, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love. So pick me, chose me, love me. "
That's what I say.

Linda

[Rachel]

cB diary,
I cannot wait to get out of here. I am tired of all the high school bullshit. I need to be around mature people. These f**kin bitches here are soo...arghhhh.

I also need my boyfriend to understand that I don't want to break up. I need him to keep me sane. He is what makes my world bearable.

I also want to feel pretty again. Lately I have just felt ugly and fat. Yes, fat. I know that being 130ish is not fat esp. because I have an ass and big boobies, but I still feel like a cow when I put on my size 5s.

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
whoa. that was an emotional night. but then jose called me, and we talked and such. he's a good friend. i appreciate him a lot.
i feel like i'm at a loss for something. like something's missing in my life.
you'd think...i'd want a boyfriend, no? at times, i really do want one. but all that worrying...stress...pressure..i don't think it's worth it sometimes. i can't handle relationships very well. but i think that before i become satisfied with someone else...i have to become satisfied with myself first. and i'm definitely not content with myself yet. plus, i don't even like a guy right now. i haven't for almost 1 or more years. pathetic? probably.
i'm angry with myself for feeling like my life sucks. it doesn't, and i know that for a fact. i have wonderful friends who are always there for me- no matter what. the only thing i don't understand is why i don't feel like talking to them as much anymore..like, i want to be alone. i don't know. kaileen and evelyn's are supposed to be my best friends, no? but we are fading awaay. drifting, so much. but something makes me not want to be all close with them again. i feel selfish. i just don't think i believe in best friends anymore...
i'll go do more thinking later. i have homework to do.
-julia.

[xTINAA]

Steph, Julia, Cassie, Rachel

Dear cB diary,
I'm still struggling.

Today, I got my hopes up for seeing him. I knew it wasn't going to happen. Driving there I kept saying to myself, "Christina, he's not going to be there. Stop thinking about it. He's not going to be there." I never listen to anything or anyone. I really should though.

I don't like when I go to those functions. When I feel and get left out. Especially because it's over something stupid; the fact that I'm only half Korean. I'm sorry but it's not like I chose to be this ethnicity, I just am. They don't accept it. They're nice just so people won't talk shit and say they're being 'shady' but they aren't sincere about it. No one talks to me. Even when I try to talk to people or get to know them or ask them questions about themselves they don't do anything. They don't want to be my friends and honestly I'm sick and tired of trying so damn hard to get them to accept me.

I'm ready to leave. Leave this house, leave my highschool 'friends' and all the drama that goes with them, leave him, leave this city, just leave. I want to get away from all of it. I'm done. I'm sick of it. I'm ready to graduate, I'm ready to move out, I'm ready to find new friends, I'm ready to start a different life, I'm ready. I'm just done with everything, done with the trivial drama and the tears and the fighting and the bitching and the liars and just everything.

I really miss him. A lot. Still. I got my hopes up today but it's not like I don't get them up everyday. I get them up by thinking, "oh, maybe he'll call tonight", "maybe he'll finally IM me", "maybe he'll show up at my school to surprise me", "maybe he'll come to my church to see me", maybe, maybe, maybe. Nothing happens. At all. I have to intiate and so far it has gotten me nowhere. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Why I can't let go, move on, like someone else, forget. I just can't. Everything reminds me of him even when I'm desperately trying to push him out of my mind. I've tried to talk to other guys, tried to like other people, it doesn't work. I want my heart back. And I want my heart back whole, not broken into pieces like it is now.
-Me.

[*stephinika*]

aw chrissy...thanks so much. now you feel better too...

dear cb diary,

today was actually pretty good. too bad that store wasn't open...oh well. i'll go another time...sometime...lol. hmm...what else was i gonna say...sigh. i don't know. feeling better about everything with him though so thats good.

[*lolita kitty*]

kiera. maia. sarah. chrissy ..

ilu guys =)

dear cb diary,

i just. i dont care.
i dont even know why i bother anymore.

today i got yelled at. twice.

does he ever give up?

i dont get it. all thefat people. they always think that skinny people have it so easy.
um. no.
fat people. regular people. LUCKY PEOPLE. they have it easy. they can go in the two degree pool in themiddle of winter and have a good time.
i was never able to do that. i always got in and froze to death and started to shake.
when i dont eat a meal, i start to shake. if it gets real bad, i pass out.

do you guys remember back in september when it old that story about me having to go to the nurses office because i faintedi n the middle of dance class?

yeah. no breakfast = doctors appointment, fainting, total embarresment.

oh, and my favorite one was " at least you can wear things "

wear things? AHAH! i was never able to wear shit. i cant wear t-shirts. they're always very baggy and loose on me. tank tops? no. they make me look flat, which i am. i was never able to wear those cute tunics, or any of those shirts. they always revealed my pale skin and flat chest, which would result in boys making fun of me and making me cry. all the time.

jeans. cant wear them. the tight ones show that i have no butt. being an 8th grader, guys stare at my ass all the time. its never good. they always laugh at me for having no ass. yeah cb members, go ahead and laugh. im skinny, pale, ugly, and HAVE NO ASS OR BOOBS.
this is probably why guys never like me. all they care about is a nice tan, pretty face, ass and boobs. i never have had and never will have that shit.

even girls make fun of me. online. my friends. "haha cassie, you will never catch up to us"
my friends. they are all so pretty. they are a nice height. they can wear things. they can look good. they get hit on. they have guys that .. like them.

no one has had a crush on me since the beginning of 7th grade, antonio. *sigh*

it dosent matter. all i can do now is wear baggy clothes.
today at church.
o wire sweatpants, my hair down, and a sweatshirt. i was convinced that that was the only thing i could war that made me look the slightest bit "normal"

all the little kids kept laughing at me. i had 8 year olds. laughing at me. they kept ppointing and saying "why is that pale teenager person wearing pajamas?"
i started to cry. OHMYGOD.
8 YEAR OLDS MADE ME CRY.
i really am pathetic.

and whats worse is my family. they are all fa. but me. my sister. fat. my mom. fat. my dad. fat. none of them look like me. i was always the ab-normal one. even my f**king mom made fun of me.

i remember in 4th grade when i bought this really cute bikini, and she told me i couldn't wear it because i had no boobs and .. didnt weigh enough .. to .. fill it out.

i admit it. all i want in sympathy. yeah patricia. you were right. i want sympathy so bad. i hate to admit it. im an attention whore, and i always was. im so selfish. when im sad, i always do the stupidest things to get attention. i just sit there and cry until someone says something.

i am an attention whore. i just want sympathy. im a selfish person. im too pale. they say its because i dont eat anough. my parents are rotten bitches. i hate everything.
i am ugly. my face. i hate it. my head is too big. my feet are too big. im too pale. i need a tan. i am too skinny. i always was. i need boobs and a butt. i wish my friends cared.

my friends. they never listen. you would expect them too, right? but its not like they get it. they are all normal looking. pretty. yesterday i was going through my bithday photos and i saw this picture of cami. se looked so pretty. when we go out in public, they always get hit on.
i havent talked all day today and yesterday.
all i want is a hug. patrick. him. what about him. why wont he ever hug me. he never liked me or gave me a chance.
all i want is someone to listen to me cry.
my mom wont. my dad wont. my friends wont, no m atter how much they love me and say they will.
all i can do now is type it up in an online journal, feel pathetic, and hope that someone will read all this and say something.

isnt that sad? go ahead. all of you people. laugh.

- cassie