createBlog Diary., Version 3. Options

[inthemudhole]

Okie. The other one was getting really long. @_@
So here I am.. making a new one. :P

Credit to faithin_felix for the last diary thread.

Guidelines/Rules/Format

-Please do it in diary format. (Example: Dear createBlog Diary,)
-Talk about your day, or anything else like that.
-Don't post in here solely to comment on someone else's day.. you can quote them, but don't make that your post.

(That's all I can think of right now. Another mod can add onto this if you wish to.)

--

I'll start it off, then.

--

Hey.

Things have been.. shitty again..
Well, I was absolutely ECSTATIC yesterday.. and I still am.

Just things with my personal life have been getting me down a lot lately.
There have been a lot of feuds in my household lately, I got bad grades for the first semester, my parents are going to freak about my grades, my friend keeps ditching me for her boyfriend, my other friend is going to ask this guy out who I've been liking since the beginning of this school year.. and other assorted things.

I'm extremely stressed out right now, believe it or not.
I'm SUCH a procrastinator. I REALLY need to break that habit.
I'm going to do MUCH better for the second semester. That is my main goal right now.. to get really good grades to make up for the crappy semester one grades.

I'm still kind of.. discouraged.
>< Bleh.

I don't even know what I want to do with my life.
I know I'm only 13 and only in the 8th grade, but it just hit me today.. I need to start thinking about a career so I can take the appropriate classes to help me with getting that career.
We had the school counselors come into English and talk to us about setting goals and crap like that for our future.. that's why it hit me. I NEED to get a back-up career, too.. since who knows if my band will make it big by the time I form it?

Oh well. Maybe I should focus on the positive part of my day.

eEeee! Schedule change. Cody's now in two of my classes. <3

Now I have clay and sculpture instead of wood.. eEee! Josh is in that class. <3 Crap. >< He'll probably end up sitting by me, too.. since he was absent today.. and the only open spots in the classroom are at my table, and at the table next to me.

Anyway, I typed out a lot today..

See yah.

-Brie

--

Alright! Resume posting!

[Teesa]

Dear CB diary,
Wow, school has gotten me so stressed, I don't know what to do. I hope I will get good grades and stay focused, although it will be very hard for me..I don't know why, it all seemed so easy at one time..well, until I write again..
<3 Teesa

[miss barnes]

Dear CB diary,

Before i start off, i must say ABOUT DAMN TIME! The last diary was several pages long. Ohh, now I'm on the first page.

Anyways

Patrice still looks sexxxy as hell. What the f**k am I going to do about this? I don't want to be bisexual. Usher is too fine to give it all up. She is too, though.

B.J. is cute too. His fade makes him look a lot better. Haircuts do wonderful things to black boys

reekah

[gigiopolis]

Dear cB diary,

This week has to be one of the best of the whole school year =] Just yesterday I was freaking out about English, and today I feel tons better because I got almost all of it done. Also, my Socials project was postponed til next week! =p Also, I got hired as a part of People Staff this week. I'm beginning to think I'm doing a bad job, though. Brie's totally kicking my bum at this modding thing. Haha. I finally got my piano exam over with. Hopefully, I'll get a good mark.

[EXPLO5ION]

dear cb diary,

Today sucks. My throat itches, I am getting terrible headaches, my nose is blocked, and I am ready to ram my head into a wall. I stayed home from school today.

I missed Wednesday and Thursday of school last week too. Convenient that there were 4 tests to take that day. I was going to take it today, but i didnt go. If i take the tests tomorrow, I have to get all the stuff that i missed and on friday, my teachner failed to give me the sheet for the format of my essay I am suppose to write that is due TOMORROW. Its really likely that I will skip school tomorrow 'cause I am slowly getting worse. So if I go on thursday, I have to take the 4 tests, get all the homework, take the science tests scheduled for that day, get the vocabulary sheet, and get caught up on the current events journal. honestly, i am so surprised that i havent burst yet.

[Nicolatofu]

Dear cb diary:

Well you wanna know what? Well of course you don't but i'll tell you anyways. I think I start to hate school with a passion more and more everyday (as if it wasn't possible.) But the people here get on my nerves! It's like they have no common sense! I wanna go back home. My mom had a date on Sunday. Thank God he was moving. He wasn't her taste anyways. We gave away my pomeranian for free! I'm lonely. Kay bye.

Nicole

[miss barnes]

Dear Cb diary

I'm so happy about my spanish recitations. I was so scared to go first but, i did it anyways and got a 97! I think it should have been a 98 but, hey i'm just glad that its over with.

Today I was late to school again. I just dont know whats wrong w/ me. I lost my nokia so i didnt have an alarm to set and the alarm on my new phone doesnt wake me up. I'm late at least 1x a week. So glad they havent given me detention yet

g2g be back later

reekah

[inthemudhole]

Also, I got hired as a part of People Staff this week. I'm beginning to think I'm doing a bad job, though. Brie's totally kicking my bum at this modding thing.

Silly Gigi! :P

--

Hello again.

I was faced with a really difficult decision to make.. I still haven't made up my mind on it..
I don't know. =_=

Anyway, today really sucked... but Josh was back in school today. <3
We made eye contact a few times. [giggles] I'm so lame..

Grr, I have a lot of math homework.
Eh, it's actually not a lot.. but rather a tedious assignment.

-_____________________-
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Both ends of the problem say they're okay if I go with the other end, but I still don't know what to do. Yes, I'm being vague about it..

Anyway.. I think I'm going to go now. I don't have anything else to say.

-Brie

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary...

i always come here when i have something to say that i can't put in my xanga because my friends from school read it...i don't need them to ask questions.

i don't know what to do...i love mark. really, with all my heart. but this 'love' for adrian seems to be growing...in a bad way. not really but...yes really. whenever mark is there i'm fine...but at school when i'm with adrian...i always want to be with him, talking to him, touching him (not in a perverted way people! ) but i don't know...he's my best friend in the world other than mark...so i can understand my close relationship with him...but this is too much.

damn me. damn my feelings. damn them all to hell.

on the other hand...life isn't all too bad at the moment. still stressful but...its okay.

thats it for now...........


steph*

[inthemudhole]

It's been nice knowing you, cB.

[damn]

dear cB diary,

this week has been one of the worst week in my life.

- i lost one of my contacts
- my friend ditched me for her boyfriend
- im having this huge row with my other friend.
- i made a boy cry because i told him to pay me back the money which he owes me.
- this guy wouldnt stop calling me names.
- i just realized that i still like the guy which i've liked for more than a year.
- my best friend seem to be getting annoyed by me.
- everyone seems to be against me.
- my best guy friend hates my guts because i told him how i felt about him going back with his girlfriend.
- i cried in school because i was so pissed.


this totally sucks and im dying for this week to end.




yours,
jasminL

[happy endings]

dear createblog diary,

i went to the park after school today. there was this big group of people just standing in the parking lot. then one of them confronted this other guy that was walking on the sidewalk. the first guy just PUNCHED the other guy.. the guy that was just walking on the sidewalk didn't want to fight, but after a few seconds of being harassed by the other guy they started fighting. there were a whole bunch of people watching, like the one guy's friends. the whole time, i was just wondered.. why isn't anybody trying to STOP them??? is this like entertainment to them??? and i'm pretty sure they were fighting about a really stupid reason too.

i just hate it when people fight. it bothers me SO much. why can't they solve their problems another way??


anyways, off that topic.

is it wrong for you to be REALLY REALLY REALLY annoyed by your best friend? well i am.


- happy endings

[Gypsy Eyes]

Dear Createblog Diary,

I am currently typing this wearing 3 sweatshirts, a winter coat, a scarf, 3 pairs of sweatpants and 4 pairs of socks and I am still freezing. I hate snow, well this much snow anyway.

Things with James have not improved, actually they have steadily declined, and still continue to decline. We havent talked since we broke up in august, and that is killing me. There is a lot I really want to tell him, but he would never listen or believe me. I've regretted the desicions for 6 months, and thought about it every day. Isn't that enough? I am still afraid to tell him. I really am. Though he really does deserve to know, because it would've been half his, I doubt he would believe me so why would it matter anyway. I really have to think about that. Madre found the godamn pregnancy papers, as well as the miscarrage ones. I am afraid to go downstairs and unlock the door of my room. I really am. If she got that pissed to break my godamn nose and take a chunk out of my thigh when I had james over when she wasn't home, imagine what she would do if she found out I was pregnant for 5 months.

eugh. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Love,
Jackie

edit:// oh wow. this is my 2000th post.

[Nicolatofu]

Dear Createblog Diary,

My mom went out on a date last night or tonight whatever you wanna call it and slipped on black ice... She says it feels like she broke it but it's not broken. I've been waiting on her hand and foot. Aren't I just generous? haha but I think she finally fell asleep after trying to get comfy. Well nothing great happening...Valentine's day is coming up and this year, it's on a weekday...just to make me feel even lonelier to see all the couples together.....oh well. Well I should get to bed but I'm not even tired....So I will stay on cB!

Nicole

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog Diary,

Why won't he talk to me? Why is he avoiding me? Or is it the other way around? Am I the one avoiding him? I can't tell anymore.

I wonder if he still cares. I try not to think about him, and what scares me is that throughout the school day, it mostly works. I don't know what I do during classes now. I don't write to anyone, I don't focus, I don't get anything finished. I'm just there. I never accomplish anything anymore; I can't even bring myself to write anymore.

This is the exact reason I told myself to stay out of online relationships. I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know if he still cares. I don't know if he misses me the way I miss him. I keep telling myself that it's over, that I don't care. But that's a lie. I miss talking to him. I miss his voice. I miss him.

However, I refuse to be the one that strike up a conversation this time. I refuse to be the one that apologizes. I was not wrong this time; I was not wrong. I will not admit to something I did not do, I will not apologize for something I believe was right. It was not my fault, I told him to stop, but he didn't. He never does.

I feel so guilty though. Lately, in order to get my mind off of him, I've been hanging around and talking with so many guys, not even because I like them in that way. They're just friends, but they're attractive. They're gorgeous. But each one has his own individual quirks. And quirks, if big enough, I just can't overlook.

He's got a crush on someone else, and I know myself well enough to say that I think he's hot but that I don't like him in that way. He's hilarious, but very flirtatious. He's young and I don't know him well enough. I bump into him randomly around school, but he's a too naïve for my tastes. His voice is dramatic, his body built, and his mind deep; I could never get involved. A surfer and an artist, how different can he be? He's a fast-paced guy and it wouldn't work. His hair is fabulous, he's a bit odd but we're friends.

None of them would ever like me, that I'm sure of, but I love calling them up or chilling with them. I'm not a likeable person; sometimes I wonder why people even put up with me. I'm amazed that I've ever even had a boyfriend, much less two serious ones. Sure, shallow guys come up to me once a blue moon to ask for my number, but I hate that; I never give it out. But how do people put up with me?

I'm such an a-hole; if I were someone else, I'd probably hate me. But the point is, I'm not very likeable. I hate people, I'm a misanthrope. I'm mean and sarcastic, I'm bitter and cynical. But I'm a whole lot of fun to hang out with, at least I think so, from time to time. I'm obnoxious, I whine every chance I get, I'm a lazy bum, I'm selfish, I hate many of my so-called "friends" that I see everyday. What good is there to me?

But maybe that's why we get along so well. That's why I'm so drawn to him. We're both the same sort of person. We believe, love, and hate the same things.. I love everything about him. His name, his voice, his laugh, .. I miss everything. God, I miss him so much. It's a searing want that's spreading. I can feel it, it physically hurts.

I can't do this; I can't put him through this. I'm much too loyal, that's true, but to even think about it, it's just wrong. I hate myself for thinking it, but sometimes it just drifts in. But I can't. I'm not the sort of person to betray one's trust in me. I know how much it takes to trust in someone, and I would never just throw someone else's trust away. Never.

I feel empty, I really do. Every time I have time to myself, I begin to notice a feeling I can't quite place. And then I realize it's loneliness. I can't bring myself to tell anyone how I feel, so I lock myself in my room where nobody can reach me, nobody can hurt me. It's peaceful there. Great. I got myself into a crying mess now. Ugh.

And on another subject, I'm really bitter. It shouldn't be a big deal to me, I wasn't even that serious about it, but it disappointed me. I got upset over such a trivial thing, it was becoming a mod. I'd be lying if I said I weren't let down when I found out I wasn't modded. I'd be lying if said I weren't jealous of everyone else. I'd be lying if I said I'm happy for all the mods. Some of them don't deserve it. Some of them don't deserve it all.

What sucks, though, is that everyone else believed that I would be modded, and I doubted them. I was right to doubt them, but they kept telling me how qualified I was and such, and I started believing them. It was a stupid mistake that I've made so many times before. I need to learn to stop setting myself up for disappointment. It's starting to get old.

But why wasn't I modded? I can't say. I've been meaning to ask an admin, but I keep forgetting. I heard many mods put in good words for me and wanted me on staff, but that wasn't considered. People said I was extremely qualified and asked me to apply. Why should it be that admin decides who is modded and who isn't? How many out of the three people who chose mods actually got to know the candidates? All of them? None.

Yeah, I'm fucking bitter. I have every right to be when Kristin was modded and not I. She is my friend and everything, but I haven't even seen Buttskin around cB that much anymore. I remember back in July and August, she'd actually post. I haven't seen much of her in the past five months. At all.

I'm resentful. I'm not the only one that was disappointed with the new mods. Everyone I've talked to has told me that they were surprised at some of the mod decisions and even momre astonished that I wasn't modded.

But I suppose I don't deserve it at all. After all, I'm not qualified enough, am I? I don't have a 5 post-per-day count. I'm not of official member status. I'm not dedicated. I don't like helping people.

What bullshit. I'm more than just committed. I'm on here every chance that I get. I can't help that I don't have a post-per-day count of over five. I can't help that the official member requirement goes hand-in-hand with the post-per-day requirement. I'm not a kind person; I don't take things lightly. But I am helpful enough. I'm good enough. I fucking better than you all. I don't need a fucking mod status to know that I'm superior. Because I already am. I'm more competent than any of you will ever be. Go choke on a condom and die, bitch. God, what the fuck.

Ignore me. I'm just a selfish, angry little prick. Seriously.

-Me.

-----

Dear createBlog Diary,

I can tell now. I'm on the phone right now, and it just hurts. It burns. I hear the indifference in his voice, and I can tell he doesn't care anymore. It made me cry. I couldn't bear how I couldn't keep it in, I had to put the mic on mute because I didn't want him hearing me cry. I hate when people hear me cry. I hate crying.

-Me.

-----

Dear createBlog Diary,

It's over. I know it. I just don't want to accept it.

I can't say that I didn't try to be the bigger person because I truly did. I wanted it to work but it didn't. It wasn't supposed to, anyways. Everything that I've ever truly wanted, everything that has ever made me happy has always just slipped out of my reach. Why should this be any different at all?

Today has been utterly horrible. As if six hours of SAT class weren't enough, my emotions were fucked with so damn much, it wasn't even funny. I'd rather not talk about the foremost item, but wow. Mother-dear has never failed to make me miserable and kick me down when I'm low. Just wow.

She makes me hate myself, my life, my family, everything. She makes me not want to live; every time we go through this, the thought of suicide wanders back into my head. I know better than this. I know. It's wrong. It's painful. It's not the answer. But I always wonder how people will react. I wonder if my "friends" will miss me. I wonder if it'll make mum feel guilty about always treating me like shit.

And it scares me, because it seems like nobody would even notice.

- Me.

-----

This is not fair. This is not my home. This is not my family. This is not my life. I hate this.

[Tinkerballa]

Dear cb diary,

why do i fear he will go back to his ex? i'm so worried and scared but yet then i think about someone else who i would rather be with but i let myself stay trap in this repeated circle. he would rather do stuff with his friends and other people then me.. he forgot our 1 year anv. my last birthday. christmas all the holidays... now my bday is coming up, will he remember and not be selfish for once? or will he forget and go to his friends or stay on his stupid ass computer and talk to his friends on teamspeak. i hate my life. i have no where to go and i'm holding on to something that will never happen. maybe i'm scared to let go because i know if we break up, i will have to find somewhere to live. i know thats a gay ass reason, but i really do love him........but its just sometimes i wanna hate him too, i wish it was how when we first got to gether.. it makes me cry....

Sincerely
love
and Peace
Yours truely.

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary:

this is where i come when i have stuff i can't say on my xanga. why? because people i actually know read it now...i don't really know anyone personally here. sigh. i love him. i really, really do. but lately i've been questioning myself...i may have fallen for the other him too...not that i don't love him. but i might love both hims. BLAH. how complicating. and depressing. but yeah...i sometimes get a twinge of jealousy when the other him hugs other girls or flirts with other girls but i shouldn't...i'm with him and not the other him though i feel rather strongly about the other him...i hate my feelings and emotions. they are driving me crazy...
what am i going to do though? nothing. obviously. i love him more...i think. and besides the other him doesn't love me the way the first him does though he does love me...though differently. but i'm starting to question which him i love more...and thats not a good thing...

why must this be so complicating?

[xGlovex]

Dear Createblog Diary,

Im really sad. I wish my dreams should come true of being part of the Xanga staff. Im an official member. I dont even know if i need a certain amount of posts. What do i do. Im clueless right now. I am just lost. What do i do. I dont know.

I Fell so unloved right now. No ones pming me. Iv just ben soundless, not talked to anyone for like 4 hours. What do i do, bark with my dog..atleast some one loves me..

Chris..

[ichiban]

Dear CB Diary,

There's too much going on in my life right now.

First off, I'm PISSED. It took me three damn hours to think up of a science project, and I go up to my science teacher with my idea and dyou know what she says?! "It's so uncreative that the highest grade you can get is a C." And that is really not what I need right now. Ugh. So I have to think up of a whole new idea.

History has been hell. No, not the WORK. It's who I sit next to. Yeah, sounds childish but no one understands. I sit next to my best friend in elementary school, a guy that I liked for two whole years, and then he suddenly just stops talking to me and turns into a fag and a player. And talking to him again is just IMPOSSIBLE. We havent spoken for one and a half years. And mrs bell just decides to toss us together. this isnt going to work.

I miss Chaun. I miss him a lot. And i probably wouldnt be missing him so much if it wasnt for my cowardice and stupidity. JUST ASK HIM FOR HIS SCREENNAME. How hard was that? But it was too hard for me. I tried to find the words, but they wouldnt come. Now the next time I would have a chance to see him is yeah, TWO YEARS LATER. Would I still even be living in California two years later? THen i'll NEVER see him again. Chaun was just becoming a really good friend. And now, it's just impossible. Ask him for his stupid screenname... I couldnt even do that ... why? i dont know. I was scared. Shy. Embarrassed. Inside of my head, I was screaming ... but a whisper wouldnt even come out ....

And to make matters worse, I think I like PJ. Of all the guys in the world, PJ ... its kind of on and off feelings. one second im in love with him, and the next, i have no idea what im feeling. Maybe because its ... PJ. I met him exactly one year and six days ago, at a violin master class. Man I thought he was crazy at violin. My first impression of him was a hard working smart guy .. teh kind of guy i'd like to MARRY rofl. yeah. I didnt even know he went to my school beacuse he was a grade higher than me. the next day, i see him at school, in ORCHESTRA. yeah its about time he signed up. and i found out he was from taiwan .. a fob lol .. but he spoke english kind of well .. and we just kind of talked, and he was really nothing to me. kind of nonexistent. and then we got into a huge fight .. for no apparent reason lol but we really were at each other .. cussing each other and stuff. and then that ended suddenly. we started talking more ... became kinda better friends. and i realized that .. ive always felt something weird towards pj. ive always had feelings for him .. i jus never realized it. but it wasnt like that i had a crush on him. it was just feelings, thats all. we would talk online a lot .. mostly about orchestra lol .. we really had nothing else to talk about ... and then scsboa began .. he was in string orchestra, i was in full orchestra ... during break and everything, we hung out along with everyone else that went to our school .. and yesterday, january 23 .. i felt something stronger towards him than ever. we were watching band play .. i was next to you .. and then that weird feeling overcame me. you arent cute or hot in any way. you kind of look funny as a matter of fact .. but .. it was just YOU, thats all. and i fell in love .. for the first time ever..

But how would you ever understand? we werent ever meant to be anything more than friends. it wasnt the way God planned us. i'm an immature twelve year old, and youre this violin masterminded fourteen year old who hasnt liked a girl since he came from taiwan. well, he thought around 10 girls were pretty but he hasnt had feelings for any girls personality ... if i ever told him i liked him, he'd think i was insane .. and i dont even want to know what'll happen next.

You know, guys should be more .. hmm .. OUTGOING. everytime i meet a new guy, theyll always be quiet and ignorant. but yesterday, i meet a guy ive never spoken to before, and he smiles and says hey. thats just cool. guys should be more like him lol.

i have even more things on my mind. ill continue ...

so hey eric. we still friends? lol i guess not. oh well its okay, im over it. ive accepted that we can never be friends again. but guess what? i dont even know why. and i just have to blame it on you, im sorry. but ill explain. IVE BEEN TRYING TO TALK TO YOU EVER SINCE THE SCHOOL YEAR STARTED. Youve just been ignoring me for some reason. I've been trying so hard to make us the close friends we were just half a year ago ... and ive given up. im not gonna try anymore. im not gonna try and convince you anything. and just to tell you, i dont care if you never forgive me for going out with him. because if you dont know im sorry, then maybe youre just not meant to know me. i dont hate you, i just wish i never met you. i looked forward so much to talking to you and becoming even closer friends this year, and i guess thats not going to happen. whatever. but i do miss you. ha.

My life = Pathetic

- Just me ..

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog diary,
Today the most exciting thing happened to me. But I nearly died.
The end.
-Me.

[PurchasedRebelli...]

Dear cB Diary,

Somebody took my bottle of Patron and I want it back.

-Joyie

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary...

its 6:30 and i leave for school at 6:40...in the morning. i woke up at 5:15...godammit why!?

[weirdness]

dear cb diary
i'm addicted to cb games
need to post more
hey i'm ont he front page hahas ^____^
< el boringo person :p

[*Azarel*]

Dear createBlog diary,
I'm over it. Fuck being a mod. I love insulting people too much to ever give it up for a stupid mod position. Wewt. As for other things, I'm not boding well.
-Me.

[*stephinika*]

dear cb diary...

this sucks. i've come to a realization. which sucks. but whatever.