Murder, Give this poem a chance, please? |
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 Dec 16 2004, 05:44 PM
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#1
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 Crying Behind Blind Eyes  Group: Member Posts: 257 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,967  |
Murder
By: Savannah Harrison Words written on the side of the street, Neverending, without a beginning, Like the shadow of yourself that never seems to weep. There's this screaming, mind-numbing silence, Echoing through the hall, Calling us to something that could be considered violence. And someone innocent just cried from the corner, Looks like she might be dead, And then there's a boy, who must be a mourner. Now it must have been a murder, And you can't deny it, No, you can't deny it, because you were the one who heard her. Cause she was screaming and crying, Begging the Lord to come save her, And she must have known, like you knew, that she was the one dying. And who would have thought that he was the one, Such an irony that now unfolds, That the one who has killed her was her very own son. His defense was that she beat him, But who would believe it, Because alive she was just so proper, just so prim. He's just a boy, not yet a man, Trapped in that jail cell, Lost in his treachery, unable to stand. You saw it all with your own two eyes, Never let anyone tell you differently, What you saw were two people, taking out their anger, living their lives. |
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| *Kathleen* |
Dec 17 2004, 06:12 PM
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#2
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Guest |
I like the concept, but I don't know...it doesn't seem to have a consistent rythym.
 That's just my opinion, though.
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Dec 17 2004, 08:00 PM
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#3
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 Dark Lord of McCandless Group: Member Posts: 2,226 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,761 |
Yeah the inconsistent rythmn makes it a little hard to follow.
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Dec 17 2004, 10:06 PM
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#4
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 my <3 is in Ohio Group: Member Posts: 899 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 27,599 |
good rhythm. i liked it.
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Dec 18 2004, 12:18 AM
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#5
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*Influential Guitarist & Inspiring Writer* Group: Official Member Posts: 1,217 Joined: Sep 2004 Member No: 51,134 |
ehh hmm its good but the flow is awkward
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Dec 18 2004, 12:21 AM
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#6
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 The Secret Hacker. Group: Member Posts: 1,780 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 18,712 |
QUOTE(dispn0ygonekrazy @ Dec 17 2004, 9:18 PM) ehh hmm its good but the flow is awkward thats true. i attempted to rap it a lil and it is kinda awkard, nice rhyming though. |
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Dec 18 2004, 01:50 AM
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#7
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 define our lives for us. Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 11,656 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 43,293 |
violence & silence.
i pronounce violence viiiolence so it dont rhyme fer me.
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Dec 22 2004, 03:45 AM
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#8
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 Senior Member Group: Posts: 8,274 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 8,001 |
is it about the mother's child kill his own mother an the child went to jail ? i sort of get it thought.
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Dec 24 2004, 02:46 AM
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#9
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Brie Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 10,172 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 20,548 |
I like that.. even with the inconsistent rhyming, I like it. :D
Nice job. |
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Dec 24 2004, 11:27 AM
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#10
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 blahblahblah. Group: Member Posts: 690 Joined: Nov 2004 Member No: 67,045 |
QUOTE(azn_r4pf4n @ Dec 18 2004, 12:21 AM) thats true. i attempted to rap it a lil and it is kinda awkard, nice rhyming though. ^poems arent' ment to be rapped to... lol in my opinion but its good.... nice try 
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| *not_your_average* |
Dec 24 2004, 04:25 PM
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#11
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QUOTE ehh hmm its good but the flow is awkward True, but I like the concept. It was a little hard to follow, but it's still nice! Keep it up! |
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Dec 24 2004, 07:00 PM
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#12
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Eternal Syn Group: Member Posts: 398 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 24,000 |
QUOTE(violini @ Dec 24 2004, 11:27 AM) ^poems arent' ment to be rapped to... lol in my opinion but its good.... nice try He probably tried rapping it because raps have flows and doesn't usually have bumps. But anyway about the poem, It's good, does have inconsistent rhyming but good job nonetheless. |
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Dec 25 2004, 02:30 PM
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#13
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 LunchboxXx Group: Member Posts: 1,789 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,810 |
i like it. very somber. atleast that's how i inturpret it.
christmas is a hurt piece. |
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