Home is not here, a little something i wrote Options

[Rachel]

hey ya'll! im back and this is just a little something i wrote after i moved. its not a poem or anything, i guess you can call it an essay but i was just letting out what i was feeling! enjoy or whatever

I’m sitting here in my new house and it doesn’t feel real. Just a month ago, I was happy. I turn around and here I am, cold, lonely, and in Massachusetts. I don’t think it’s hit me yet, that I am not going back to Arizona. I mean I miss all of my friends, but not like I should. I fell like this is just a family vacation from hell, one that will never end. Sometimes, randomly, something will remind me of someone in Arizona. When that happens, my heart just breaks. I can’t stop the tears all the time.
Everything is just a blur. I get up in the morning, sit in class, go home and then do nothing. I feel like I’m wasting away here. I don’t feel like I belong. Nothing really makes me laugh or smile anymore. I’ve mastered the art of fake smiling. I’ve been pretending that I don’t really hate being here, but really I do. I force myself to smile and look open to wanting new friends and wanting to be at this school, when all I really want is just to go home. Home to me is Arizona, its just sitting there at someone’s house laughing about nothing. It is being with my friends. Home is not here. Sometimes I just want to scream at my parents and ask them why they had to take me away from everything I loved and cared about. I finally was happy. Happy with school, my friends, relationships, everything; then all of a sudden I must have f**ked up somewhere because I was forced to move across the country.
My dad and I got into a fight the other day. He told me that when I was 18 and if I thought I could support myself I could move back to Arizona. I wish I was 18 right now. I would do anything to be back in Arizona. They say home is where the heart is, I guess mine was left in Arizona. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I’m not passionate anymore. I don’t feel like myself here. I live for those conversations on AIM or those text messages from my friends. Being social and surrounded by friends was my life. I just cant believe I have to start all over again. I mean high school blows enough, but having to move and try to make all new friends and keep my cool around my family is hell. I fell like a freshman again, trying to work my way up and find a group that I feel comfortable with.
Every day feels like a new challenge, just waking up is hard. I feel like I have been gone for soo long already, that I’ve already lost some of my “friends”. My heart just hurts, there’s no other way to describe it. I wonder if my friends even miss me like I miss them. Guess I’ll never know. All I can say is Winter Break cannot come fast enough.

[Chaos13]

prety good!! good job!

[miss barnes]

really good! you seem to have some of the same similarities of me:

just moved
new house
act like i am happy
nothing to do
wasting away
etc

[Rachel]

ugh doesnt it suck???

im living for one reason, i get to go back home for 2 weeks in december