GETTING OVER IT...just ain't that easy Options

[hautepanther]

I never thought I'd actually use a blogring chatroom to release my thoughts and feelings--I mean of course there are journals, xangas, and friends to talk to. But when you've already written in your journal in an effort to release certain feelings and thoughts that have been bothering you, are unwilling to release your feelings on an online journal afraid of people you know reading it, and are living a routine life where it's just so difficult to meet new friends [other than those who've you already lost touch with after high school]...the options of posting on a blogring is quite appealing.

So anyway, it's been 9 months since my last relationship..and I was with the guy for a little over a year [since senior year of h.s.]. I was the one who did the damage I guess...but it was only because of the complicated situation I have with my mom. Living in a single parent family and having my mom as my best friend...I tend to put her and our needs as a family as my first priority in life. At the time, the guy and I were going through some really harsh times--we spent the majority of our time bickering, crying, and arguing with each other...but what sparked those moments were usually my needs, wants, and conditions. I'd just started my first year in college and with my mom opening a clothing store for the very first time..I had so much on my plate. I couldn't stand to have another thing on my plate that made me stress. Not only that, but my mom didn't like the guy very much either..I guess she felt that he wasn't "mature" enough for me and considering that she IS my mom and "mother's know best," i guess that kind of swayed my decision also.

It's funny how now that I think back and read back on my entries from those times...I forget how bad things were. I forget those moments of crying and arguing over and with this boy...and simply remember all the good times we had together. All the sweet things he had done for me..how innocent and sincere our relationship was. And because I was his first girlfriend, he really treated me like a princess and did everything he could to please me...and yet I often took those things for granted at the time. I guess this is what you would call, regret?

He and I still chat now and then...but maybe that's what's holding me back from moving on. I know it's suggestive that after a breakup, in order to move on, one should cut off all contact. But it's hard...I mean I still care about the guy so chatting with him is a way of allowing me to see how he's doing and stuff. A few months ago, I was going through a really bad depression stage where all I could feel was the feeling of being ALONE. And so being stupid me, I called up this guy and told him how I felt...and coincidentally, I'd just finished watching THE NOTEBOOK which made things even worse! I told him the plot of the movie and how it related to how I felt...maybe I shouldn't have let my mom interfere with things. I asked him if there were any chance of us getting back together again..and all he said was to not hold onto the past and try to move on. Coming from him, that was a really surprising response because when we were together, he acted as if I was his life..his one and only..and the thought of losing me was unthinkable. I remember when we broke up, he literally begged me not to do what I was doing and to at least considere time apart but not a complete break up. But I guess that's all too late now.

Have you guys seen Eternal Sunshine? Some days, I just wish there really were such a procedure as to allowing you to erase all the memories of a certain person in your life. I've thrown away every single material thing that reminds me of this guy and believe me, there was a heck of a lot. But I'm the type of person who keeps EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING..but with this certain guy...I felt that the only way I would forget about him was to throw it all away. Well I don't understand what happened? why are the memories still so vivid? I hate it.

I mean, I don't even know if I'd get back with the guy today even if I could. Maybe I'm still feeling lonely. And what's funny is that I'm "kinda sorta" seeing someone right now. Isn't that another aspect of an after-breakup that should help you get over someone? HA, I guess not..I feel incredibly low though because this person is actually a close friend of mine.

Shit, I hate being this fickle and I hate being a girl. These emotions and feelings are just too much for me to handle. All I ask for is the ability to know what I want in life because it's obvious that I don't. If I did, life wouldn't be this complicated.

[xbladeoffire90x]

I think he's going through the same thing your going through. He probably wants to still be friends, but said no to getting back together because he's afraid. By breaking up with him the first time you probably hurt him a lot, and he's afraid of being hurt again.