How to Poop at Work |
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 Jul 29 2004, 05:25 PM
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#1
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 Senior Member  Group: Member Posts: 675 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 14,822  |
lol my friend sent me this in the email and i thought it was funny
HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANAOMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. AUNTIE A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Auntie makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. |
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Jul 30 2004, 09:47 AM
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#2
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 TheQuietThingsNoOneEverKnows Group: Member Posts: 75 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 35,721 |
lol....poop....
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Jul 30 2004, 12:15 PM
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#3
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 s a r a h r o s e <3 Group: Member Posts: 575 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 12,944 |
lol woah- i didnt realize how many different things ppl do to poop at work x]
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Jul 30 2004, 12:20 PM
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#4
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 3,826 Joined: Jan 2004 Member No: 2,330 |
interesting.. haha
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Jul 30 2004, 12:25 PM
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#5
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 freedom Group: Member Posts: 844 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 31,358 |
 ... That's nice to know!
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Jul 30 2004, 01:19 PM
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#6
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questions make me blue. Group: Member Posts: 2,608 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,796 |
my mom has a good excuse. she can blame the patient.
 [she`s a nurse that takes care of patients after critical care]it sucks to be a nurse, because you have to clean & give medicine to your patient...and the situation depends on what the patient recovered from..[drugs, alcohol..etc..] 
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Jul 30 2004, 03:09 PM
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#7
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 doot doot doot Group: Member Posts: 1,803 Joined: Jan 2004 Member No: 1,954 |
lmao i gotta try these at work!
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Jul 30 2004, 10:02 PM
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#8
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 ..::i<3 POonSKi::.. Group: Member Posts: 1,268 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 22,022 |
omg!!! dis is gross...but funny*lolz
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Jul 31 2004, 02:12 PM
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#9
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 Ah, mon Dieu ! Group: Member Posts: 2,274 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,587 |
lol
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Jul 31 2004, 06:26 PM
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#10
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 N.CARTER Group: Member Posts: 1,709 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,742 |
hahahaha. ways to poops. lmfao!
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Jul 31 2004, 08:24 PM
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#11
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 something more Group: Member Posts: 2,468 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 8,808 |
hehe.....i have to try this when im at my dady's work(since im always there).
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Aug 1 2004, 03:09 PM
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#12
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 dizzy me up. Group: Member Posts: 3,191 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 11,139 |
*ahem* i'll keep dat in mind.. LOL
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Aug 1 2004, 10:28 PM
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#13
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 Hi! I'm Dani :) Group: Member Posts: 5,637 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,369 |
lol thats realli...interesting
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Aug 2 2004, 01:18 AM
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#14
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 Your love is a razorblade kiss ♥ Group: Member Posts: 1,794 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 9,959 |
o wow, those r helpful
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Aug 2 2004, 01:22 AM
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#15
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Brie Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 10,172 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 20,548 |
Hehh.
Quite funny.. I've heard those before. 
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Aug 9 2004, 05:50 AM
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#16
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 GREEENROCKS Group: Member Posts: 1,393 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 10,624 |
Poop is poop. It'll all come out anyways. Just poop, plain and simple...
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Aug 11 2004, 01:51 AM
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#17
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 1,384 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 37,337 |
hopefully im not going to need those
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Aug 11 2004, 01:55 AM
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#18
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 1,989 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 10,691 |
Oh wow.
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Aug 11 2004, 02:39 AM
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#19
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 ÖÐÎÄÈí¼þ Group: Member Posts: 2,072 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 10,655 |
Great advices, thank ya!
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Aug 11 2004, 02:46 AM
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#20
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t-t-t-toyaaa Group: Official Member Posts: 19,821 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 11,270 |
cooool *(:
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