I'm 19 and in college. My parents still don't let me see my boyfriend without one of my little sisters., What do I do? Options

[TearsOfAPhoenix]

As I stated above I'm 19 years old and in college, away at college as a matter a fact. I'm attending Duke now and about to finish my first semester. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now, on and off. We didn't try the long distance thing at first, but ended up going back to each other and were very happy and excited about spending time together during Thanksgiving break.

My parents are very traditional Hispanic parents and my boyfriend is Caucasian so it doesn't really help any there. My mother hates him because they've caught me lying to see him (like saying I was going to work, when I was really going to spend the day with him for his birthday). My father doesn't seem to hate him, just dislikes him because he's a boy and well "What do all guys want from girls?".

So as a result of this, they make sure that I have to take one of my little sisters on dates with me. One of them is 9 and the other 17. Of course, I mind and he minds that this has to happen, but when I take my 17 year old sister we usually drop her off with a friend or her boyfriend so we can have some alone time. But, this Thanksgiving break that didn't go as planned and she had to stay with us through the entire date. We were both very frustrated and wanted to just spend some one on one time together after enduring the long distance, but that wasn't possible. He fought through it and granted me the promise of going to a quincenera with me and my family. I was so excited that they were finally going to be able to get to know him and see a good side of him. But, of course, my mom denied him the opportunity of coming and said that she didn't want me bringing any boyfriend to family events unless I'm going to marry them.

When I told him this that was it for him. He couldn't handle being treated like this. Countless times he tried to tell me that the best thing to do was to leave my house and that I was welcome to stay with him and his family, but I have to think of my college education, which my parents are helping me with the very little that they can and the rest I'm paying with scholarships. My mother didn't even want me to leave Houston for college, but I went to Duke anyway, but that's another problem.

So what should I do? My boyfriend is tired of dealing with my parents after a year and a half, but we love each other very much. I know that the distance may tear us apart, but I'd prefer that to happen in due time and not let my parents tear us apart.

[fathomlessdame]

Wow, your parents are incredibly over protective of you.

Have you tried talking to them about how you feel?

[TearsOfAPhoenix]

I have and they insist that if I don't like their rules that I can just leave their house. Over Thanksgiving break I was ready to walk out of my house, but before I did my Dad asked to speak to me and he talked to me about the consequences of my actions and how he was going to help me pay for school next year, but if I leave that he won't do that anymore... As of now my boyfriend and I broke up over break because of all the conflict with my parents, but I don't want to give up and have convinced him to talk to my parents with me and express how much we care about each other. Will that work? What if it doesn't? We really love each other and hate that this is still tearing us apart.

[SuckDickNSaveLiv...]

Well if you guys love each other like you say you do, then maybe you should get married, or at least pretend to be engaged, something along that line so that your parents accept it, since I was reading in your first post that he would only be accepted if he married into the family.

I mean if you pretend to be engaged how are they going to know?

Since your siblings have to supervise you, maybe you or your boyfriend should try paying one of them to pretend to be watching and go do something on their own while you two enjoy yourselves.

[batman]

I'm sort of with you on the whole "if I don't do what parents want, they'll stop paying for tuition" boat, although they're much more lenient when it comes to friends and boyfriends. However, if I decide to not go the premed path, their financial support will disappear.

I know you say you really love each other, but if it's really love, I think it should survive this. Just suck it up and do things the way your parents want until you're through needing their monetary help. If your boyfriend can't understand and breaks up with you because of this, then he's obviously not worth it. If he cared enough, he'd stick it out with you.

[fire]

THE TAMING OF THE SHREW?

[edit] I admit, I didn't read any of the posts.

[Castaway]

he needs to deal with it. You should not choose him over family at all. I can't believe he insisted that. Family and education is important.

But love is important too of course. Do you two love each other?
Well it doesn't really matter (but if you two did and it's real then it will kinda change things a bit..)
If you two don't, it's still unfair how your parents are treating you. Atleast they are letting you two go out though. I think that this problem will solve itself over time. Your parents might start to accept the fact that you two are together over time.

Just hang in there.
Does he like you enough to put up with all of that stuff? Do you like him enough to endure all the problems? Do you two like each other enough to overcome these obstacles?

[Insurmountable]

I agree with your boyfriend, you need to leave home and get a life of your own. Your parents are to over protective and I think its a bit ridiculous of what they are doing and your 19.

I think you really need to ask yourself whether you really want to be in a relationship with this guy and if you could ever see yourself marrying him in the future. If you answer yes to these questions then I really think you need to move out and even though your parents are helping with college and you respect them. I think between loans and scholarships you can pay for college, and then as for respect, they should respect you as well. Your a adult now and need to be treated like one.


Also as long as your not quiting school to be with him, I'm just not seeing a problem here with moving out and disconnecting yourself from your family for a while. *shrug, do keep in mind that my family isn't close at all and I'm moving out the week that I turn 18, or even earlier than that.

good luck!

[hypnotique]

I agree with your boyfriend, you need to leave home and get a life of your own. Your parents are to over protective and I think its a bit ridiculous of what they are doing and your 19.

I think you really need to ask yourself whether you really want to be in a relationship with this guy and if you could ever see yourself marrying him in the future. If you answer yes to these questions then I really think you need to move out and even though your parents are helping with college and you respect them. I think between loans and scholarships you can pay for college, and then as for respect, they should respect you as well. Your a adult now and need to be treated like one.
Also as long as your not quiting school to be with him, I'm just not seeing a problem here with moving out and disconnecting yourself from your family for a while. *shrug, do keep in mind that my family isn't close at all and I'm moving out the week that I turn 18, or even earlier than that.

good luck!

Hai holly.

Any hoo I agree with this.Im latina and Bisexual who strictly dates white lol so I mean I think im slowly killing my family inside.
You need to tell them to kiss your ass and do your own thing its not fair to your boyfriend that your parents are completly closedminded s**cs if your parents continue to act this way this will sabotage your future relationships because NO MAN will ever deal with this drama.Its just not worth it.You need to leave the nest wheather your parents like it or not.


Besides girl I would get up all on those minority scholarships and the ones designed for women.They have plenty of them out there and thats how i am getting through school without my parents.You can make this work but you have to balance out thats right and whats wrong.

[fathomlessdame]

Pretending your engaged sounds like a good idea, especially if you really love eachother. YOur parents will never know unless you tell them. And maybe it wont be so much like pretending if you two feel like even though its not time for marriage, marriage might be in your future. Maybe not for ten years, but theres no rule in how long you can be engaged.

If you really love eachother, I'm sure you will get through this.

[Castaway]

Pretending your engaged sounds like a good idea, especially if you really love eachother. YOur parents will never know unless you tell them. And maybe it wont be so much like pretending if you two feel like even though its not time for marriage, marriage might be in your future. Maybe not for ten years, but theres no rule in how long you can be engaged.

If you really love eachother, I'm sure you will get through this.

Being engaged is a big thing for family. They will eventually find this out (unless u guys get engaged sometime in the near future) and you will be in deep trouble. Your family will probably have less trust in you.. you will have to deal with the questions they will ask and have a relationship based on a lie.

like i said earlier.. your situation could be worse. My friend isn't even allowed to date the person she likes and she's over 18 i believe.

You two can get through this without lies.

[TearsOfAPhoenix]

He lives in my hometown and we had been doing the long distance thing. It had been working out great and we were just very excited to spend time together when I came back from break and hoped that my parents would be different, but they weren't.

The conflict was so great that he couldn't deal with it anymore after a year and a half of trying.

We still love each other very much, but don't know what to do.


I don't think I could fake an engagement. Marriage is very serious to me and I don't think its something that should be toyed with. Yes maybe I could have see it with him in the future but in due time. Also, I wish I could leave home but my college expenses are not something that I can handle alone, I have a lot of scholarships, but eventually they will run out...

[InfectedOctober]

I deff. know how you feel here except it's a little bit of a diff situation.

I live with my father, who is also hispanic. He drives me nuts half the time.
I wish I could move out half the time. But, then again I am only 16 and that wouldn't work out. Anyways, my problems with this is:

I was/am never allowed to have guy friends or boyfriends. Earlier this year I got
pregnant by my secret boyfriend(at the time). Holy sh*t I was terrified to tell my father. I had to have my mom and my grandma tell him for me. He was pretty mad but also really hurt and upset at the same time. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT - - I've already had my baby and my boyfriend isn't even allowed to stay the night with me to see/ help my with our baby. I think that's pretty stupid. Even when I was pregnant, I was not allowed to spend the night with him or vice versa. What more could've happened? LOL. Although, my dad and my bf get a long so I guess that's all that really matters now. Hispanic fathers/mothers are really protective and strict...and though I f***ing hate it..I'm really thankful that my father is like that because who knows what could've happened to me through the past..lol...

[Comptine]

You need to have a serious sit down conversation without you lying or pretending to force anything out of their hands. Blackmailing your parents will backfire. Lying and saying you're engaged will only anger them because you're young and making a big decisions.

Things you need to include in the conversation:
1) That you respect them and understand that they care about you and want the best for you.
2) Your boyfriend respects them. Use examples. He doesn't treat your sisters badly even though they are with you guys constantly. He puts up with the rules and still is with you.
3) Tell them that you feel unhappy about the amount of distrust that they have. And that they are blackmailing you and forcing you to abide by their rules by using your college education against you. Tell them that makes you feel as if they don't love you. Ask them if they are really willing to risk your future and education at a GREAT school that you worked hard to get into because you want to watch a movie with your boyfriend alone. Your parents are older but this is unreasonable. It's financial abuse and blackmailing.
4) Also, explain to them that right now, all their actions are forcing your boyfriend away from you. While you might get over it, you would probably resent them for awhile. Remind them that you could very easily lie and betray them but you care about them and hope they respect you enough to make decisions yourself.

If all else fails, you just need to suck it up and move on. Your family will be there forever, if you're willing. Your boyfriend probably won't be since it's getting rocky.

In the end, if I were in your position, and they still won't listen, I would say: The only reason why I listened to you was because I wanted to stay in college. Not because I love you. Not because I respect you. But because I need your money.

[*cakedout*]

In the end, if I were in your position, and they still won't listen, I would say: The only reason why I listened to you was because I wanted to stay in college. Not because I love you. Not because I respect you. But because I need your money.

You parents might beat the shit outta you for saying that, or they might be like whoa. Its a bit of an extreme, but it could work.

[Be-Faithful]

Shame.

[Comptine]

^It's true though. The main reason is because I would need their money. When they the hand like this, the reason isn't because, "Oh, parents love me and know better. I should listen to them." It's, "Shit, I can't pay for college myself."

I've heard so many parents threaten their kids with college tuition, thinking it would prove their power and authority. In reality, they create a seed of resentment they can never be forgiven for. The children aren't respecting them. They just want the money.

[previouslynumber...]

Jesus Christt. Is your boyfriend f*cking serious?
You're about to choose your boyfriend of one and a half years over your parents, who has gone through so much shit to raise you for the past 19 years.
You're ONLY 19. Do you know how incredibly young that is? Sure, you may consider yourself mature and a young adult, and think you can take care of yourself but here's a reality check: you can't.

Albeit your parents are very protective of you, they want the best for you no matter what. If your boyfriend truly loves you like he says he does, then what's the problem? You guys should be able to get through it. Tell him to stop being a f*cking sissy, or to just walk away from the relationship if he really can't deal with it.

I cannot believe you even for a second contemplated walking out of the house on your parents. The audacity on kids these days..

[*cakedout*]

Well times change and parents aren't really up to date with young adult society, so they pull a desperation move, not that I don't agree that their wrong, but its shit like this that separates good parents and ok ones.

[Impressive]

if his grades are good enough have him transfer to duke... other then that you're screwed.

[redpeony]

I'm not saying I agree with everything your parents are doing, but in the meantime your bf needs to man up and be the mature one and encourage you to not lie to your parents.

[TearsOfAPhoenix]

Just as an update he ended our relationship. He said that he felt that he was creating a wedge between my family and I and didn't want to be the cause of that. He said he loved me very much, but couldn't deal with the fact that after two years of knowing me my mother still hasn't said one word to him or that they still don't trust me to make my own decisions. He understands that my education comes first and doesn't want to stand in the way of that. Its been almost of month since this and I really don't feel like any resolution was met. I miss him terribly and resent my parents for it.

[SuckDickNSaveLiv...]

It would suck if that n*gga make it big, and years from now you see this n*gga in a Lamborghini Murcielago or a Ferrari F430, and you be like damn I f*cked up. Dude going to be laughing at you like [Shawty Lo] HA HA HA[/Shawty Lo]