Am I taking advantage or is he just trying to make me feel bad? Options

[loveneko]

My boyfriend and I have been going out now for close to two years, and we've set "minimum requirements" for each other; call in the morning, after school and before I go to bed. No female friends (which he's repeatedly broken so eventually I just got over it), no male friends, no parties and we tell each other everything. I know that he loves me alot, and I mean alot, and I love him very much too. He moved away from me after our anniversary so our relationship is distant and some of the rules have had to be stretched.

Here's the problem: At least on my side
He broke our minimum requirements. For months I've been used to him calling me all the time, at a certain time, every day. He started going out with his friends, playing soccer, and doing other crap that I cant be involved with because he lives so far away. He works the night shift and Im an early sleeper, so our time alternates, and obviously since he was doing all this stuff he didnt have time to call me anymore. When he did that crap started happening to me, I mean like stuff that hurts ur feelings not your body and we'd been talking for so long that he became my best friend and I told him everything that happened to me because he would always make me feel better even when I didnt want to. But when he started hanging out with his friends he wouldnt pick up the phone, or if he did, he had to go immediately. I was hurt, and I didnt have anyone to talk to, and one night, feeling distanced and tired of asking him to pay attention to me i took things

My Solution
My old boyfriend before him was the guy he stole me from for pretty much the same issues. My old bf and I had a strong friendship just like my current bf so I had no issue finding someone to listen to me in place of my neglecting bf. I went over to my old bf's house and spent the day there, we didnt have sex or anything we played video games, basketball and I did his hair. My bf was raging mad and I loved it, I wanted him to know that I wanted his attention and I would get it one way or another. I wasnt going to do anything with my old bf, he has it in his head that I'm above sex with him anyhow and thats the way it really is.

My bf said that I took advantage if the fact that he would never leave me, but all I was doing was trying to get his attention. SURE I used my old bf who he's not comfortable with, but who else would he have responded to like this. Now he calls me all the time, sure he's accusing me of hanging out with my old bf again (and Im not) but he sure as hell got the point eh?

Am I taking advantage of him? This is only my side he'll put his up later

[queen]

playing games in love is so juvenile. there's so much wrong with that post that i'll have to make a list.

- you both need to adjust to the new time schedule. this means compromising and sacrificing.
- you shouldn't need to have "rules" --you should do things for each other out of love; not due to force.
- he should have made more time for you, but on the other hand, you should let him live his own life and have his space.
- if you had a problem with his lack of attention-giving, you should have told him so instead of intentionally hurting him.
- he shouldn't need a scenario like that to pay attention to you; he should've been doing that consistently on his own.

you're both at fault, but honestly i think the main problem here is lack of trust. you wouldn't need that much attention from him if you trusted him, and he wouldn't feel the need to give you as much attention if he trusts you. you both need to understand that a significant other does not make a person whole; one should be whole on his/her own.

[only-tuesdays]

It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship at all.

[katebaybayy]

well i understand where youre coming from.
me and my bf have the same "rules" bc he moved when he went to college and weve been together for almost 3 years now.

first of all, trying to get his attention didnt necessarily have to go to the limit of hanging out with your ex. Would you be mad if he hung out with his ex even though you knew he wouldnt cheat on you? I mean, there are other ways to get to him, trust me. maybe you should have talked about it to him first. Like call him up one day and plan to spend an hour on the phone on a certain day. Like a phone date lol. and if he loves you like you say he does, he will talk. just make it convenient for both of you and remind him of your different schedules.

second, maybe you should just meet someone on the internet and talk to them. then, you will get an honest answer because the person has no influence on their respons from not knowing you personally. if hes seriously the only person you let your feelings out with, find a good friend or cousin or something. or post a bulliten like you did here!

and think things through and if you feel like maybe you shouldnt do it to him, dont do it because its probably not a good idea.

And I know this may not be something you want to hear, but sometimes its best to let someone go if youre not happy in the relationship. Sometimes its whats best for each other. But if you do decide to break up, dont take it as a waste of time, rather an experience that will help you grow and know that youre next relationship will only be that much better.

good luck to both of you!

[Just_Dream]

Aside from agreeing with synkro and the whole lack of trust deal, I honestly don't think you're as "in love" as you say you are. That's just my impression on what you've said so far. Rather, it seems that you are the clingy and attention-whore type, considering the circumstances that you are in and how you decided to "solve the problem."

WTH you two call each other that much every day? lol When I was still in high school, I would only call my boyfriend at night to talk and then say goodnight to him. Fortunately we both went to the same high school, live near each other, AND we're currently going to the same college...


Lack of trust and lack of communication are a bad mix.

[loveneko]

Well we don't have communication problems. We speak alot actually, he practically IS my phone. But trust is a bit of a problem for us. We're a lot better now and we've moved on. These replies were kinda harsh in my opinion lol but you guys were sharing your opinion.
Thanks.
In any case, we're still together and hes coming to stay with me woo hoo!

[only-tuesdays]

Talking a lot does not necessarily mean communication. Just like hearing someone doesn't mean you were listening. But good luck with everything. Trust issues can be hard to work with.

[Just_Dream]

Well we don't have communication problems. We speak alot actually, he practically IS my phone.

But when he started hanging out with his friends he wouldnt pick up the phone, or if he did, he had to go immediately. I was hurt, and I didnt have anyone to talk to

LACK OF COMMUNICATION. Maybe you should stay consistent with what you're saying, otherwise you're just going to be full of contradictions. The reason why you even took action with that "solution" of yours is because you aren't communicating with your boyfriend, so you ran off and communicated with your ex-boyfriend. DUH.

lul @ harsh

[sixfive]

TBH, you sound like you're holding him back from having fun. He's probably a nice guy who doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but at the same time wants to live life. That doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you. That means he wants to have friends. I like having friends. Friends are friendly. Friends are good to have. Are you getting the point? Relax and don't be such a bitch about him not being allowed to be friends with girls. Listen up, if you trust him and he's trustworthy, nothing will happen and he'll appreciate the fact that he's allowed to be friends with more than just you. If he cheats on you, he wasn't worth having anyways because he's a cheating f****t. It'll hurt, but you'll be happy later on that you're not dating a cheater.

[ReggieM]

No female friends (which he's repeatedly broken so eventually I just got over it), no male friends, no parties

is there anything that he can do?

[Melissa]

TBH, you sound like you're holding him back from having fun. He's probably a nice guy who doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but at the same time wants to live life. That doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you. That means he wants to have friends. I like having friends. Friends are friendly. Friends are good to have. Are you getting the point? Relax and don't be such a bitch about him not being allowed to be friends with girls. Listen up, if you trust him and he's trustworthy, nothing will happen and he'll appreciate the fact that he's allowed to be friends with more than just you. If he cheats on you, he wasn't worth having anyways because he's a cheating f****t. It'll hurt, but you'll be happy later on that you're not dating a cheater.

you're so insightful.

[outragedhope]

omg me and my b/f have the same rules, iam glad i read this, now i know iam not the only one whom has to obey thoses rlues.

what he is doing iis 100% wrong no doubts about that.

anyway,what you did is a no no,you went to an ex's house even tho you said you guys did nothing, what would happen if your b/f didnt believe that and thought you cheated, if i were him i would have thought about dumping you.

getting attenion that way is the worst, if the issue is that bad talk to him, if it doesnt get any better then you got to decide what to do from there, prehapps breaking up even if its only for a liitle while,this will show him your not playing games.

[NoSex]

Pretty much everyone in this thread has already covered how unhealthy and idiotic this whole relationship sounds, but:

How f**king insanely insecure can you be? A single individual will never be able to completely and exclusively satisfy another person emotionally, intellectually, and sexually - it just isn't possible. Learn to have non-romantic (male and female) friends - it helps make a romantic partnership less exhausting and more comfortable. The sort of rules you are building and imposing upon one-another are insane - restrictive, paranoid, and obviously jealous. You're deluded if you think that that is what "love" is.

[Melissa]

A single individual will never be able to completely and exclusively satisfy another person emotionally, intellectually, and sexually

Wait, so you're saying that one single person couldn't satisfy you sexually?

[DeviantShadows]

Sounds like there are a lot of trust issues between you two. He isn't allowed to have friends who are girls?! If you trust each other that shouldn't even be an issue. I certainly wouldn't make my boyfriend give up his female friends. And I wouldn't expect him to get pissed about my guy friends.

Bad, bad idea hanging with your ex. You intentionally hurt your boyfriend. How is he supposed to trust you after doing that? It makes you seem like a spoiled brat, it really does.

[NoSex]

Wait, so you're saying that one single person couldn't satisfy you sexually?

Notice that the co-ordinating conjunction that I used was "and," and not "or." That's significant.

[imnoxonesmemory]

no offence but your relationship doesnt seem very loving. your rules are crazy. having set rules about when you call each other?
and i can understand what you did about hanging out with yor EX. i would've done that too, but it is mean. haha

long distance relationships can't have rules. because you'll never know when they're broken. and having rules makes them feel even more trapped.

goodluck though

[Sandraaa]

Great, you have his attention. But not the kind of attention you wanted. You're a bitch, he's a bitch, your rule's a bitch. I wonder how you stayed together for 2 years. >< Anyway, playing soccer or hanging out with friends isn't a crime. He should DO that. He should just learn how to balance things. Knowing that you're an early sleeper and all that, he should call you earlier.

Hanging out with your ex is idiotic. Like your relationship right now.

[marzipan]

What the hell?
I think you need to stop being so clingy and needy. These rules that you guys have for each other are pretty stupid too, and it doesn't look like they're out of love. More like selfishness.
Why can't you both have other friends outside of your relationship? :/ It's not healthy to devote so much time to some guy who you don't even seem to have a trusting, solid relationship with.
I think you may need to lay off these "rules" and stop wanting so much attention.