read thyy poemm :PP |
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 Feb 20 2008, 12:06 AM
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#1
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Senior Member  Group: Member Posts: 114 Joined: Dec 2007 Member No: 598,863  |
I can't find all my other poems I saved em on my flash drive and I can't find it at the moment, I wrote this one when I was pissed off
 Black Sins My mind fluctuates Like a rollercoaster on a never ending trip Thy face, thy eyes, thy lips still haunt my every thought This is not a reassured glance of lust Clenching life’s heart with a rugged hand I bid thee, please take my life now before all turns black I listened to you, Your words brought sanity and guidance to my complicated life But where are you now, When I need help? |
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Feb 20 2008, 12:18 AM
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#2
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 Padfoot Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 1,084 Joined: Sep 2004 Member No: 50,413 |
The third line is my favorite; I like the repetition of the "th" sound. The fourth line seems out of place to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get out of it. The rest looks good to me.
I suck at critiquing literature, sorry... :( |
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Feb 20 2008, 12:21 AM
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#3
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 Resource Center Tyrant Group: Official Member Posts: 2,263 Joined: Nov 2007 Member No: 593,306 |
Well, I don't know if you want a critique or not, but mixing up ancient with the present does not work at all, and it makes your poem sound tacky. I'm referring to the second line and then the random usage of "thy" and "thee's."
You need more work on word choice, it's relatively poor when it comes to getting your point across while trying to sound professional at the same time. "Complicated life" and "I bid thee." It's like Avril Lavigne's version of Shakespeare. |
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Feb 20 2008, 12:29 AM
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#4
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 114 Joined: Dec 2007 Member No: 598,863 |
Yeah, I was thinking the same.
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Feb 20 2008, 12:44 AM
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#5
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 114 Joined: Dec 2007 Member No: 598,863 |
Hmmm...I can't think of what to replace "complicated life" with...anyone have any bright ideas who want to help :P?
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Feb 20 2008, 04:14 AM
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#6
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Eternal Syn Group: Member Posts: 398 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 24,000 |
hectic life? or maybe just shorten that line to, "your words brought sanity to me" but that may denote the fact that you were insane and that it's not about your life being crazy. it's up to you, you're the writer, whatever sounds good to you is good to you. please yourself before pleasing others :]
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